When you no longer exist as a daughter?

Your mom IS gone. She is not the mom you have known. Dementia steals everything. Unfortunately, it is the caregiver child that sees the worst of the behavior. You need a very thick skin to the point nothing she says or does can hurt you. Learn to ignore this behavior, no telling how long it may continue. One day she may wake up and know who you are, and have no clue who sis is. That is dementia. Unpredictable and unfair and hurtful.

Understand that with dementia they lose all of their social filters. It is not intentional what they say and do. They cannot control their minds any longer. The worst thing you can do is try to reason or explain to them. You will be fighting a losing battle that will only increase your frustration and mom's agitation.

I am so sorry for what you’re going thru. My husband has a much clearer memory of his first wife than of me, even though we’ve been married 31 yrs. He knows he got divorced, but it’s like he’s in the middle of the breakup, not 35+ yrs later. He says he loves me and thanks me for taking care of him, but has absolutely no independent memory of our life together. He’s even asked me when his wife is coming back. Your mom might be fixating on the child who isn’t there because the absence lets her think of this person as a young child. You, on the other hand, are a grown woman. To her mind (or what’s left of it) you could not possibly be her child. For goodness sake, you’re an adult! It’s preposterous! One time, when I explained that his first wife was NOT there (with movers, no less) to take the furniture and kitchen things and that he had been divorced for at least 35 yrs and everything was settled, he looked at me like I was nuts and said “That’s impossible! That would mean my kids are older than 25!” His kids are 43-52. One is a grandfather. It’s possible that you, a grown woman, simply do not fit into her view of her world. This disease is just miserable for everyone involved. My mom used to say of her MIL, people with Alzheimer’s don’t have stress, they give it. I used to laugh at that line.

Alzheimers takes those we love away from us, leaving us the shell of a person they once were. The truth is often our love ones are for all intent and purpose dead to us before they die. It is very sad. If your Mom is living with you it is indeed time for placement now, away from you. You can visit her. Know that you are not alone in this, and that you must go on and make a life. Your Mom has been taken from you. It is time to on with your own quality life; it is the only one you will get. You are grieving and it is the more difficult in that the shell of your Mom is still there. Seek help to work through this, and know a licensed social worker who deals with life changes is often best to comb through all of this. Many many people have gone through this. I have know a woman who went into care, could not remember her husband, and thought she had another husband in her care facility and heard of the same happening to a woman who thought another woman was his wife. You might consider a support group; know that your story is a common one, awful as it is personally. I am so sorry.

Dementia is a cruel disease. A friend’s mother told her, “ I feel like my mind is going to sleep”. Good description. After a hospital stay the dr. Told me she could not come home so I finally had to put my mom In a SNF. She said to me as we were putting her clothes in the drawers etc of her room, “I never did this to you when you were a child”. Painful, but I was teaching full time with a husband and three children. We had become 5 people captive to one. Anyway, later on in time when I was visiting with her she told me she had a daughter like me. And another time she told me her dad had come to visit. She was 80 about then, so that didn’t happen! The point I’m making is that the person you knew, your mom or your dad or whoever it is, is no longer that person. You need to reconcile yourself to that and try not to be hurt. Please, remember the good times, not the now because it is so painful a time and you are helpless to change it.

As an answer to your question, you NOT only do not have to see her as your mom from now forward, but for your welfare AND HERS, you need to STOP thinking of her as that now lost person.

You have been ushered into a horrible position without having had the time for yourself to process the devastation of what has become of your family constellation.

Whatever events caused you to regard your sister as “her favorite” are now totally off the table, because your mother no longer has the capacity to deal in anyway with her emotional reactions to EITHER of you. Are you and your sister able to communicate reasonably outside of your home? Are you able to discuss your feelings with her, or someone else, without concern that your own feelings will be criticized?

It MAY be of some help to you at some point to learn some things about the science and dynamics of dementia, but for right now, it seems from what you’ve said that you didn’t have too much control over being designated as her caregiver. Is your father willing to provide time everyday for you to get away from your care giving chores?

Towards that result, you might want to try a couple techniques when you deal directly with your mother. You have already learned that it is rarely successful to challenge the verbalizations of anyone, relative or not, who has been diagnosed with dementia. As you read questions and answers from others who post here, you will find that this simple but often difficult to use technique is basic. If she is insistent, make some neutral comment (“That’s interesting!”) and move on to another topic.

If you refer to her as “Mom” and she reacts negatively, ask quietly “What do you prefer me to call you?”.

Bear in mind, doing this is for your own comfort, not to “help” Mom. When questions hurt you, answer in a non-challenging way- “I’ll go home in a little while“. Sometimes, people turn on caregivers whom they love very much, with no reason. It happened during the tragedy of my grandmother’s illness, lasted for several months, then went away.

Your mother CANNOT reason. She no longer is in possession of that skill. You have the intelligence and wisdom to consider her, and your relationship as her caregiver, in a different way, that can hopefully allow you a more comfortable way to move forward.

If you need changes to be made in your role, please attempt to consider coming up with some ideas that will be safe and comfortable for both your mother and yourself. She is now a victim, suffering from a situation that no one can cure for her. You are in a difficult to manage situation as well, but resources exist that may help you move forward in a more productive way for yourself.

Know that there is understanding and support here for you.

If you are on disability, then you don't have to worry about your retirement. So discard everything I am saying here.

If you are not on social assistance, you need to get your own life. Fast. How do you cope? You just have to. Your mother is gone. Her body is alive, but who she was is gone. Since you are only 37 years old, you really need to try to forge your own life. Work for a living, maybe get into a new relationship..get married. But don't be chained to your parents because caregiving over the years will totally destroy you. If your father can't cope then he needs to put your mom in a memory care facility. But you will have to live your own life..the older you get the more difficult this will become. Your father is probably 60s--he's old enough to care for his wife. Remember the years you are not working will impact your future social security--if you can get any at all.

My mom died nearly a year ago and I'm 60. All by myself. Years and years of caregiving really damaged my life beyond repair. The bills keep on coming in no matter what happens to you so imagine getting a job and "starting over" at my age. Yes it was a terrible ordeal. Did it but I don't advise anybody to do caregiving.

Caregiving can take YEARS to recover after your loved one dies.

I get your pain...my brother is the favorite in my situation and mom asks about him all the time and he is the one who does nothing to take care of her.  It's upsetting.  If you no longer wish to endure the pain associated with caring for someone who doesn't know you and doesn't want you around, tell your dad and your sister that you can't handle it anymore and would like to extricate yourself from the care giving.  Let them handle it for a while.  You are deserving of a life too.

Make sure you leave time to live your life. Thirty-seven is young. Make sure you have a few memories of living YOUR life.

I know this hurts you but that is your mom. Just please understand it is Alzheimers and she can not help it. Ignore it and love her with all your heart while you still have her.

My dad brought his mother, who had Alzheimers, home to live with us when I was younger. She did not know any of her children, not even her baby boy that was living in the home with her, but she knew me. It shocked us all. That is how their brain works. My dad did not take it personal.

Robinhsb, you are 37 which is pretty young still to not have the support of your mother who is declining due to dementia. It's the dementia that you are angry at and it's grief at loosing the mother you know. Accept her for where she is now. Maybe talk to her about yourself in the third person. I hope a moment comes when your mother recognizes you.

I remember about three years ago attending a group meeting for caregivers for the first time. I was so stressed at blame and harshness of treatment you describe that I cried in front of strangers which I didn't expect. Going to support group meetings and hearing others experiences helped me to cope and become educated about what to expect. It's a hard situation.