Nursing home guilt, any advice?

In your profile you write that your mother was difficult to care for BEFORE she broke her hip, due to her cranky disposition.

And now she needs 24/7 care.

You are aware, aren't you, that one person cannot do 24/7 care without break or respite? Young parents do it with newborns, but only for a short period of time. And that's when we are young. And usually there are 2 parents, and perhaps a grandma at hand.

Your mother is being unreasonable in saying that the fact she is in a nursing home means no one wants her. I hope maybe she's lost her filter due to some cognitive decline, but if this is her usually mode of operation, then she is using a technique called Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.). Look it up. Frequently employed by folks with Narcissistic tendencies or full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing matters but what SHE wants.

I take it that if your mother is 90, you are no spring chicken yourself.

You have an important role to play here as your mother's advocate for her to get the best care possible. If you become ill from 24/7 caregiving, or from beating yourself up out of guilt, shes not going to have you looking out for her.

If she tries that line again, I'd say "nonsense, mom. You need far more care than can be given in a private home. We love you and THIS is what the doctors say you need". Be brisk and forthright in shutting down her self-pity.

Is her PTSD being treated by a psychiatrist? Is there depression as well? Getting my mother good psychiatric care was key in helping her remain calm and unagitated as she aged.

Guilt is for folks who've done something wrong. You haven"t.

We often choose guilt so that we do not have to look at grief. It is worth grieving that we live so long that people honestly are unable to care for us in a home and still maintain their own lives and health. You might tell you Mom that honestly you DO feel guilty and inadequate, and that you are so sorry that you are not able to do what she would like, but that--in fact--you are not able to. And that you have cried over your human limitations more than she can know. Hon, I am famous for saying we are not Saints. We are human beings, flaws and full of limitations and inadequacies. If we are decent human beings we spend a good deal of our lives thinking of the many ways we have failed our parents, our siblings, our spouses and friends and children. But we do the best we can at the time with what we have to work with. Saints get shot full of arrows and killed, then we pray to them to fix everything. A bad job description, that one. It is worth grieving over, so allow yourself you grieve what life has come to with all its losses for your 90 year old Mom. We will, most of us, experience this if we live so long. It is worth grieving. But unless you are a felon, then guilt is honestly not the word for it.

I know feelings of guilt can feel unbearable. My mother passed away almost a year ago, I was her primary caregiver for several years before placing her in first a memory care then a nursing home despite promising her years earlier that I would never place her. Maybe guilt is a measure of love when you can't take a different course. Maybe guilt is the price for still caring when you can't meet their needs yourself. I don't know. Perhaps guilt, painful as it is, is an attempt to not accept how life has become, of staying connected to our loved ones as they go through this part of their life. I do know that forgiving ourselves is not being disloyal nor is it lack of love.
I hope you are not too hard on yourself and come to terms with the loss and take some comfort in the caring and good that you have done.

Your mother's statement was awful and made to make you feel bad. Shame on her for that. By placing her in 24 hour care you are doing the most loving thing you can for her. You and your sister cannot dedicate every waking moment to your mom's care. Go back to being her daughters rather than her caregivers.

First of all your mother’s statement is one many elderly use when they are moved into a nursing home. She’s not unusual in that regard.
Also realize you yourself are allowing the guilt to consume you. You can’t feel guilty unless you want to. I would suspect you are wishing you could just make her happy, but sadly that truly isn’t possible.
My dad never adapted to living in the NH the 2.5 years he was there. It made me sad that was where he had to go but I was realistic. I knew it was the only way he could get the care he needed. Are YOU being realistic?
We are not responsible for Covid, or how NH are isolating our family. My dad died during Covid from age and dementia. It was very sad, but I feel no guilt for things out of my control.
please get counseling if it is causing you this much angst.

First off - STOP THE GUILT TRIP ON YOURSELF. Your Mother is in the best place for her. Unless she can do part of her assistance for herself, she is where she needs to be.

My mom tried some of the same tactics with me. I just reassured her that I loved her and explained that I was the one that was unable to give her the level of care she required ( i.e., lifting, bathing, etc.). Then I changed the subject.

Mom fell on Mothers Day at her assisted living facility (totally her own doing). She stayed on this earth only six additional weeks (she was 98 years old). Covid-19 has made life for our elderly a real nightmare. Bless you for all you have done for her and take the time to celebrate her life.

Do little things that can be given to her to show how you feel - cards, notes, tiny gifts, flowers, if possible -- anything you can think of. She is lonely and feels forgotten, just who wouldn't under todays world.

Don't worry about "boundaries" at this time, just let her know you think of her often and that she is exactly where she needs to be for her care and her safety at this time.

Good luck and God bless.

You are doing the best for your mom. There is no way you could bring her home. Actually trying to care for her at home would probably cause her more pain. Please tell yourself that you are a good daughter and are making difficult decisions for her best care. This is a common complaint among the elderly whether they are injured or not. I have been a caregiver for my dad , who just passed, and now have my mom and a very elderly aunt. They are demanding and manipulative. Take a step back and enjoy a mini break even if its just one day. I wish you peace and joy.

Dear "CindyLin,"

Boy, I felt your mom's gut wrenching statement pierce my heart and it's no wonder you are obsessing over the guilt.

I'm sure it's difficult on everyone's part after rotating her between you and your sister's and now being in a nursing home with the COVID-19 lockdown. That certainly did not help with how your mom views her life in general.
Not only could you no longer care for her because she fell and broke her hip but, that realization is even more true now that her condition has worsened because of her present situation - she needs 24 hour care and you can't seem to set the appropriate boundaries I'm guessing because they weren't there to begin with. So at it's worst, you find it would be "nearly impossible" to set them now.

Since I don't have any answers, can you ask yourself if the guilt would still be there if your mom hadn't vocalized how she feels? Did it feel like she said it hoping you would feel guilty? And even though I can't tell you how to handle it, I can at least reassure you that many of us feel guilt at some point(s) when being a caregiver for our loved ones. We don't like to see what is happening to them and we want to somehow be able to "save" them from the inevitable. What would have to happen with your mom/situation for you not to feel guilty? Is the scenario perfection? If so, than you could never attain something that doesn't exist. None of our situations are perfect, we're just doing the best we can as each twist and turn occurs. I hope you can somehow ease up on yourself along with the expectations you may "think" your mom has for you as well as the expectations you have for yourself. Also, I'd be curious if your sister is struggling as much as you are with feeling guilt.

I wish you peace within your heart and I hope someone else on the forum will provide you with the suggestions/guidance you are seeking!

When somebody falls and breaks a hip, it is usually osteoporosis and the reality is the hip broke and then they fell. It is very hard to heal broken bones when osteoporosis is that advanced and moving those people usually requires at least 2 people. So, please do not buy into the guilt your mother is trying to lay onto you. Instead, tell your mom that you love her very much. Let her know that you are unable to provide the type of care she needs and that is why she is in her new home.

You did not cause your Mother to get old.
Neither can you cure it.
You, your sister & your Mother all have your own life journeys to live. You can share wonderful times together but no-one has the right to expect another to give up their life journey.

A Social Worker told me that.

If your Mother needs so much help you have to give up so much of your life to live only hers, it's time to look for more help. A nursing home is just that. More help. You still love her!