I'm an only child, so there's no one to help out but my long-suffering hubby. We've just moved into our new home, and we built her a beautiful, sunny bedroom with direct bathroom access. We painted it her favorite color, decorated it with her aunt's antique bed, new mattress, and her mother's quilt.
I had all these visions of us fixing wonderful dinners, watching movies, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch watching deer frolicking in the pasture, and sharing memories.
When we started planning this house, mom said her husband didn't get along with anyone, and he would never live with anyone. She said he didn't like his own kids and their spouses, and he didn't like my spouse, so we shouldn't plan on them living with us. When he died last year, I was sure she'd come live with us. But she's still rejecting us!
She's insisting on staying in her home, paying for a cleaning lady, yard man, and calling us to come over to fix her internet/tv, bring groceries, take her to the doctor or dentist, diagnose her aches, pains, and boo-boos over the telephone. I work from home, but recently she called me to ask what she should do about her chronically swollen ankle that was really hurting.
Instead of getting up from my desk and walking across the hall to assess the ankle, I had to alert my boss and my team I would be away for an unknown period of time to make a home visit and possible ER visit. My boss was understanding but tight-lipped, and I could imagine the eye-rolling of my team who had to cover for me.
The ankle was red, hot and angry looking, so I had to take Mom to the ER for them to officially diagnose cellulitis. Mom protested and argued with me all the way to the ER about why she didn't need to go to the hospital. I finally said, "Mom, this isn't working for me. If you lived with us, your ankle wouldn't have gotten to this state. I know you want to stay in your house, but that's placing an undue burden on us. During the work week, you're going to have to stay at our house, and then you can go home on the weekends." Mom agreed.
She stayed with us for four days after she got out of the hospital, but she refused to return when we went back to pick her up on Sunday! She listed all the reasons why she couldn't possibly live any where but her own home. The biggest reason? She has so many bills to pay, and 3 checking accounts to keep track of! She said, "When Lennie came by every morning to eat breakfast with me, it was easy to keep track of everything, because he'd double check my check-writting to make sure I didn't get my hundreds and thousands mixed up."
My husband complained bitterly about those daily visits because she always had a laundry list of things for him to do: replace a bulb, fix a screen, hang blinds, tote things to Goodwill, bring things up from the basement, chase down a phantom noise, fix the stove, chase off a gopher she hears under her porch, assure her there is no squirrel loose in her basement, put up a new mailbox, fix the storm door the cleaning lady bent..... you get the picture. My hubby complained, "It's always something! I can never do a quick check-in. She eats up half my day, everyday! She insists we eat breakfast. Even if I take her breakfast, she insists on forcing me to eat the eggs she scrambles. I'm not fond of scrambled eggs, but I force them down. By the time I leave, the day is shot. I can't get anything done!"
I totally empathize, but I'm still working. My hubby says this was not how he envisioned his retirement. He thought he would have time for his pursuits; he didn't plan on being mom's fix-it handyman/taxi/errand boy/accountant/exterminator/security force. He, very rightly, complains he can't keep up two houses.
I care for mom on the weekends, and I get stuck in the same situation. We do all her things, none of our own, and on Monday, I feel like I missed the weekend. We're tired! If she just lived with us, it would simplify our lives. Any ideas?
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And why do you think her living with you is going to be easier?
You will be on call CONSTANTLY. You will have no privacy. She will want your attention all the time.
It sounds like your mom's cognitive skills have declined. Are you aware of that? Are all the legal niceties like POAs and advanced directives in order?
I would be much more inclined to have her go to a nice Assisted of Independent Living Facility if you want your life back. (That may need to wait until COVID is under control in your neck of the woods). Right now, you and your husband are her only source of entertainment.
Tell your husband he has your blessing to cut his visits back to twice a week. Mom keeps a list of things she needs done. He tells her what he CAN do. The rest gets hired out.
Mom gets 1/2 of one weekend day from you. It's called having boundaries.
"No mom, we can't do that. You'll have to hire someone".
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So, “only child” - be careful about your decisions, else you will find yourself stuck in my situation. It would be easier for you to hire a part-time caretaker or prep your Mom to go into an assisted living, where she can have activities and other people to interact with and “have her own life” versus taking over yours. If you think your husband resents her now, just wait until she lives with you 24/7. Please heed the advice you are hearing here from others who made the “wrong” decision. Good luck.
She needs to hire someone to do her bidding. You guys do not need to be at her beck and call.
I would not put ANY pressure on her to move in with you! It is NOT easy having your parents live with you. Although she's currently being difficult, she would still be difficult if she lived with you. And you could not go home and get a break from her, etc.
She has been with me for over a year now. I had put her in Respite Care for 6 weeks for a much needed break. In all honesty I could have used more. She had been back only 1 day and all the stress and strain returned in an instant. I now have someone come 6-8 hours a day M-F and an occasional Saturday. But it’s still a strain. We have no privacy.
My hubby is a gem too. But it’s unfair to him. He may have signed up to take care of me “in sickness and in health” but not my mother. Find another way. You and hubby get your life back. Sounds cold and callous but your mom has lived her life.
Take care of yourself 1st!
Set some limits on time with Mom so that you and your husband have time for yourselves. It is entirely reasonable to tell her that you will stop by for an hour after work, once a week. There is no reason why your husband should become your mother's handyman. If she needs a handyman, she should find one through a referral service. If she needs financial help, she may want to see a professional financial manager.
You can't live her life for her and also have one of your own. Let her be for a while and let her figure out if she can really live on her own. As long as you give up your life to make hers work, she will not face up to the reality of her needs. After a few weeks while your husband has "lots of things to do" and you can only spare an hour or two after work, see if she is still adamant about staying in her home, unassisted. Then sit down and have a serious, factual talk about what she needs, how you might be able to help, and what other options are available.
Your marriage and your own family need to be your priority. Sometimes an emergency is the only way to get them out of their homes and into appropriate care.
It will not simplify your lives. Your lives will become centered around her even more than they are already.
I wonder if your husband is going to be any happier when he becomes your Mom’s caregiver while you go to work each day. Unless you hire someone from outside the home to take care of your Mom while you are at work, your dear husband (DH) will—by default—be the one who has to spend his day talking with your Mom, watching TV with your Mom, fixing meals for your Mom or eat food that your Mom fixes (which he already hates to eat), etc. And if Mom moves into your house, and she refuses to sell her house, your DH will still be your “mom's fix-it handyman/taxi/errand boy/accountant/exterminator/security force” because someone will need to keep up the empty house until it is sold.
Your last paragraph is quite “telling”. “I care for mom on the weekends, and I GET STUCK IN THE SAME SITUATION. WE DO ALL HER THINGS, NONE OF OUR OWN, and on Monday, I feel like I missed the weekend. WE’RE TIRED! If she just lived with us, it would simplify our lives.”
NO, your lives would NOT become simpler, they would become more complicated, because you have now added your Mom to your “immediate family” and you can NEVER get away from her unless you leave YOUR house. If you are already TIRED from taking care of your Mom now, how do you think you will feel when once your Mom moves in?
AgingCare.com website has some wonderful articles about caregiving. You can find several of them under “Care Topics” on the blue ribbon at the top of the forum webpage. I will list some articles that I think that you should read whether your Mom lives in her house or your house in my next posting.
I want to add that I see a huge red flag about your mother's cognitive skills with regard to her aches and pains.
15 years ago, would she have known to call her doctor if her ankle was hot and swollen? Probably. What is going on here is that she has off-loaded her reasoning onto you.
This happened with my mom, subtly at first. She could suddenly no longer make appointments. She couldn't determine if a symptom was important or not. She couldn't call a cab to get somewhere ("what if they get lost", she said?)
It was all a covert cover up for the fact that, to put it kindly, she could no longer reason her way out of a paper bag. Once we got her to a geriatrics doc, he referred her, after two visits, to a geriatric psychiatrist for her issues with anxiety. After ONE visit, the geripsych called me and insisted that we get my mother a thorough cognitive assessment. It showed that she'd had an undetected stroke and that she was functioning, in terms of reasoning skills, at the level of a 5 year old.
This was NOT apparent to her regular doctor, her children or her friends. She was faking at a very high level, and we propped her up for a year before I got called out of work 3 days running and I realized something was terribly wrong and told her I was no longer participating in what I now call "this charade of independence".