My father has been in a nursing home for 4 years now. He has two kinds of dementia. Some days are good and some are really bad. There isn't much in between. I went to visit him the other day, and all he wanted to talk about is going home. I told him that I had to talk to the doctor. He yelled at me and told me he doesn't have a doctor and hasn't seen one since he has been there. So he said again he wants to go home. I asked him where home is. He said that he didn't know but it is wherever my mom is living. I said she is in heaven and he swore at me. Then he asked when that happened. I told him 4 years ago. He said that is impossible because he talked to her this morning. I told him that he probably did. He swore at me again and I told him that if he is not nice I am going home. That didn't last more than 2 minutes. So I ended up leaving. I know it is the disease and not him talking, but I don't believe I need to take that abuse. I am running out of ideas what to say to him when he asks to go home. Some things I tried, "You are safe here", "Maybe another day",
" you are well cared for here", ...but nothing seems to calm him down anymore. Any suggestions?
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She couldn’t handle it when I had to go someplace and she was to be left with her caregiver, I said “I have to go to work, so you need to help me out with this” works almost every time.
I like what lifestudent suggested...saying something like "that would be wonderful wouldn't it" and then pair off on another story like "do you remember when we used to blah blah blah" and tell him a story of when your family did something enjoyable that is going to take his mind in another direction. Re-direction is key, but it has to be something strong enough to divert his thoughts.
Nothing debatable or argumentative or nothing reiterating that his wife is gone.
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Fill his room with photo's and other memorabilia to make him feel more comfortable.
When he talks of going home bring out photo albums and talk with him about the experiences in those photo's. Play his favorite songs and ask him why they are so special. When he cries hold him and let him know he is loved and cared for. Crying is a good way to let out his frustration and pain.
I did that when I was a volunteer and it always worked.
As another responder said, "Be kind to yourself." And, stay safe.
Do not think logic. Think what will calm him down moment-to-moment.
Before he even starts the conversation, see if you can get him out of his room - perhaps a trip outside to sit awhile. If you can take him out of facility, go to lunch. My great nephew and I have 'parking lot picnics' where we do a drive through for food and sit in the parking lot to eat and talk. Maybe try that to avoid getting in/out of a car or exposure to covid by going into a restaurant.
On the other hand forgetting is part of the dementia. And the fear of losing control of one's life. It's OK to say what will calm him down, even if it's a lie. Tell him you will come in a few days to help him pack and ask what he wants to take with him. He will forget this by the time you leave. So even if you have to have the same discussion each visit at least he might be satisfied for a short time.
Mom is in SNC now and when she complains about being shut up I just tell her the president ordered it and she can blame him! Seems to work.
About the doctor's appointments. Where my husband was, a "family" doctor visited once a month, but once every week he would also visit--I think only so many people in one visit, prescribed what was necessary, like when my husband fell, made sure he got physical therapy and checked my husband over to see if all was okay. I saw these reports, but not every week, only when I asked for them. I was told they all do that, nursing homes. I wanted to know because my husband saw his primary before AL every 3 months as he was diabetic and experienced mini-strokes. He was seen by the NH doctor regularly. Check into that. I hope this has helped you understand white lies are OK. They are forgotten, maybe not, as in my case, his demand was every day at 3:00 pm, like clock-work!
Truth must be reflected through their eyes and cognitive abilities, not ours.
It was rather odd, but thankfully it happened, that mom NEVER asked me to take her home. I did all the pre-MC legwork, but told my brothers I would not participate in the actual move. My thoughts were that I would ALWAYS get the blame - it was a potential even if I wasn't there, but probably guaranteed if I was there! This had happened with the car - YB did ALL the talking and taking of the key. I only stood in the background and on the way out suggested disabling it, as I suspected she had another key (she did). Who gets the nasty phone call about the key the next day? Me of course! Nastier call the second day to fix whatever I did to her car (found that key!)
So, when I would visit her (stayed away for about 2 weeks, as suggested by staff), she didn't ask me. One visit, less than 2 months after the move, on seeing me, she said 'Oh funny you showed up. I'm going to have B take me home when he comes tonight'. When I left, I gave him a heads up. He wasn't even going to visit, she just got it in her head!
Even staff uses similar tactics. Mom's hearing is REALLY bad, and they can't get her to keep her hearing aid in (one went through the laundry, replacement #1 went AWOL.) So, when she wants them to call her mother, my brother, or find a way to get home, they have written notes. She hangs on to these and will cycle through them. Who knows how old they are! But it allows me to know that they deal with this the same way we do.
Anyway, every time he visited (at least when I was there too), she hounded him to take her home. Never me. That went on for about 9 months. Out of the blue, she asked if I could drop her off at her mother's. Urg? Quick response was it was late in the day and not on my way home, maybe tomorrow. That was sufficient, but immediately she asked if I had a key to the house she lived in prior to the condo (sold over 25 years ago and her mother has been gone at least 40 years!) Ummm, not with me, maybe at home... Who knows what 'home' means to her now?
Even if I could visit, I would not bring that topic up! (I did go this week, to "celebrate" her b'day, but 1) outside in the heat!, 2) not allowed to share the cupcakes and ice cream with her and 3) staying 6' apart with masks, I could only write quick notes on a small white board I bought. With some aides, she was able to look at the gifts in the bag, the reese's being the prized one! She was also eager to get back in, out of the heat and focused on the cupcakes and ice cream!
But, once the topic is there, it may take some effort to get off that topic. Even if it works, it will come back again, maybe even within minutes! We just have to keep saying something that works to "satisfy", even if it is agreement, but put off until tomorrow, next week, some vague time in the future. One of the last times I could visit before lockdown, she got into a rut (record scratch!), repeating the same thing over and over - not home related. I looked at one of the staff and asked how do I change this channel!!!!????
You are trying to make an argument for your side of things. That won't work. You can't argue with dementia. You can't convince dementia. You aren't responsible to fix things. And many things can't be fixed. This CERTAINLY can't.
The answer now is to protect yourself and be as realistic as you are able. For your father the answer is one, repeated "I am so sorry, but that isn't possible". Tell the truth. When asked for an explanation of "WHY NOT" don't go there; that is where the "no win" starts. Simply say "I can't explain", or "the doctor forbids it for now". Do not stay overly long after this begins. You are down to childlike behavior that "may" adapt by learning that "going there" means "Oh, sorry, I have to leave". Visit a bit less. It is unlikely he will notice that.
So sorry. Your experience, were you to be in a support group with others, if you read the forum here, is so NOT unique. But it is always sad. Take care of yourself and know that Dad is surely losing the "self" that made him who he was. I am so sorry for the pain.
Sorry means nothing to person with dementia EXCEPT STUCK in their misery. No need to add to that. False hope is best: "We're packing"
This past week, I've been learning a new dance with my 97 yo mom, called Jerusalema but she is so frail, that's pretty limited. Is there something, anything, that works with your Dad? It's important to explore new neural pathways and every time he wants to go home, it's an immediate challenge. Count fingers and toes, do hand games and clapping rhythms, A sailor went to sea sea sea. What was his profession? Bring a textbook to see what's new with his prior interests.
Bring fresh mint and lavender for him to hold and crush and smell. Citrus peels smell great. Read a book out loud to him, a book that he would have been familiar with, anything from great literature to nursery rhymes, just hearing you read would be helpful. Next visit, bring a list of things to do--don't hold back. Worth a try.
GI've him a foot or back massage, I know my 96 ye old Dad enjoys tgat when I visit him.
Play some of his favorite music.
Tall about the good old days.
Never bring up his wife being dead as he just has to relive the thought and he won't remember the next minute anyway.
If he brings it up, just talk about a good memory with him and your mom.
Put yourself in his shoes. I'm sure it's pretty boring, scary and depressing to be in a place by yourself with strangers.
I would also have a camera installed in his room.
Print them or use originals/copies of originals, put in binder/album and let him leaf through it, talking about who is in the picture, what place this is, etc. Maybe change up some of the pictures from time to time. Might keep him preoccupied AND you might learn something about his/your past!
She's not in a NH, she's in her own apt, attached to brother's home. So, in theory, I could visit her every single day. But due to the memory and behavior slips, I choose to go when I feel like I can handle her.
She's still pretty adapted to time and such, but she is hard to talk to for more than about 10 minutes. I trigger her anger like nobody else can.
I went to wash her windows for Mother's Day. (she sits most of the day at her kitchen table and watches the neighbors from there--so the windows should be clean, IMHO) I showed up and started working, and when I went inside to do the inside part, she said "Why are you doing this again already? You barely just did them!" I was so taken aback. It had been 5 years since I washed them and YB said no one had cleaned them since then. It was a real AHA moment for me. She didn't WANT me there and I felt it.
Haven't seen her since then--except for a drive by 90th birthday 'party' and I did not talk to her.
That's been well over 2 months. My birthday has come and gone and she didn't acknowledge that, although YB got a card and a call---so sometimes we just have to realize that we're NOT that important to our parents. It's a lesson I have to keep on learning.
As her mental state deteriorates, I am the one sib she cares for least, and I know it, so I respect that and only visit occasionally.
If your dad doesn't recognize you, needs to be reminded every visit that his wife is gone, that you are his daughter, etc., I'd cut myself some slack and not visit more than once a week. It's stressful for both of you.
Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself during this pandemic. My PCP said he is shoveling out tranquilizers like candy since people are so stressed and anxious.
If you get worn out and depressed over this, then who is there to really help dad with the things he may need.
If his anger is out of control, you may need to ask for a simple eval to see if a mild sedative would help calm him down.
When the visits begin to go bad leave at once. If that is in the first 5 minutes so be it. Just say "I wanted to say hello Dad; I will be back soon". And get on with your life.
I am so sorry you are daily having to live with knowing your Dad is trapped in his dementia and so dreadfully unhappy. This has to be so hard for you. But the awful truth is that not everything can be fixed.