Dad is 78 and recently lost my Mom after 55 years of marriage. Mom had a long and sometimes painful battle with Parkinson’s and trijeminal neuralgia. He was her primary care giver and I as an only child also helped as much as I could while working full time and taking care of my hubby and teen daughter. I arranged to have hospice care and home health aides in the last 4 months she was with Dad at home. Our focus was on Mom for a long time. Dad finally admitted to me he hasn’t been taking his medications for blood pressure, neuropathy and diabetes for months. He suffers from spinal stenosis and has and is going through procedures to help him. He’s also showing some memory issues. He does take his garbage out, makes his bed every morning and gets dressed, but will wear the same clothes for a week and lets dishes pile up for days. Most of the time I wind up doing the dishes when I visit on the weekends. I’ve been accompanying him with Dr visits and he seems to downplay his symptoms. I don’t want to step on his toes but I’ve spoken up and ratted him out regarding his meds. I do have POA and am his health care proxy but I’m finding it hard to not overstep when I want him to feel as independent as possible. I also want to be patient as maybe some of this stems from the stress of taking care of Mom. He’s also come into a little money after mom passed and wondering how best to protect it for him...put it in a separate account for him in my name? Also trying to decide if a trust should be opened or put my name on his bank and investment accounts?
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I took my POA to the banks, got the necessary forms so I could be signatory on their accounts. They had to sign the forms and I was really worried they’d have a fit. I told them THIS IS JUST IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO EITHER OF YOU AND I NEED TO PAY YOUR BILLS. They thought that was a good idea. I slowly took over all the finances just in the nick of time.
As for investing your dads money I’d advise being very conservative and keeping funds accessible for his care. Talk to a CPA and steer clear of investment advisors who are selling something. After selling my folks house I put it all in CDs, staggered, so I can replenish the checking account to pay nursing home bills on a regular basis. Mom died a couple years ago and dad is 90. It looks like he’ll have enough money to see him through.
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With this disclaimer that I am not an attorney nor a CPA, I will give you an example based on my personal experience. Under current law, Medicaid, will only pay for facility care if an elder individual has less than $2500. in their name. A home is not counted as an asset. My father is 91 years old and due to declining health, not taking his meds, falling, memory loss and increased confusion, moved in with me earlier this year. I intend to care for him to his dying day. He is not wealthy by any stretch but our elder attorney explained that we need to be "spending down" his financial assets because in the event his health declines beyond the scope that I can provide care, he will have to be in a facility. He explained that Pop should be paying rent to me as well as paying for the services I provide such as bill paying, transport to Dr. appts, laundry, meals, etc.
I do not want Pop's money. I want to preserve it to be used to pay for in-home aides to help me provide care in my home in the event I cannot handle it all by myself. So, with the advice of the eldercare attorney, we have a signed lease and services rendered agreement. I transfer payment from my father's account into another account with only my name on it but is designated as funds to be used for his care. This is legal. Given Pop's age, we probably should have begun this process earlier but here we are.
Your father's physical and emotional health is unique to him as is your relationship. Definitely do your homework, speak with an attorney then have a heart to heart talk with your father to learn more about how his is feeling.
Best wishes.
If there is money available, why not hire someone to go in for a couple times a week to do the things, like dishes, that he tends to let stack up. Making his bed is good mobility exercise for him as is taking out the trash - let him continue to do the things he already does. This person can also 'suggest' that while she is working, he can go get a bath. If you aren't comfortable with someone roaming the house while he is showering, then have a person go specifically for the bath a couple times a week - or more.
He may just be forgetting his meds. Try to set some kind of alarm to remind him
Also, if you are POA and you’ve helped your mom, it seems that some of these conversations have already been had. Your Dad is counting on you to be his advocate.
My father refused to make adjustments, possibly paralyzed emotionally but clearly insisted that he wanted to die at home in a town which was far away from all his kids who were willing to help him. He accepted light housecleaning I arranged but refused to let her even occasionally cook meals and instead ate meals on wheels which is great but it really is a supplemental food program. For a food lover and diabetic he needed more. He claimed he was eating well and regularly but it wasn’t true. He thus became weaker, had difficulty keeping up with his heart and diabetic meds, he got very weak and fell and was alone for 12+ hours on the bathroom floor. Subsequent hospitalization revealed he had lost a lot of weight because he couldn’t eat due to swallowing problems (probably stress induced over his own recognition that his health was declining or even simply motor related as his body started to break down) and developed pneumonia. We couldn’t afford 24 hour care as he now required help for all ADLs. Without any planning the only option was a nursing home on Medicaid. The hope to die at home was no longer viable. So, talk, plan, and MAKE choices, don’t let the circumstances overtake you until the all the choices are gone. Everyone will be the better for it.
Maybe start with small steps to help his daily life, then move on to the more important ones.
Also, how about getting a Med-Pack service for his meds, they are labeled with days and times to make it easier to keep track. Or get him a medicine dispenser with timers that can be scheduled to chime and open as needed.
Was Dad once a good housekeeper (in the last years) and has that changed suddenly.
It would be hard right now to tell if Dad is grieving and depressed and in the "Why bother to do the dishes" mode that can happen. I am 78 myself, exactly your Dad's age. And have full capacity (along with bad old nurse's back, pretty bad knees, and aging issues such as less good balance, less good site, less good hearing, and less good memory). I would be very resentful to have a child suggest I need more help with my accounts now, right after the loss of a spouse I cared for during a four years deterioration.
Just saying.
So I think you should watch and wait a bit. Talk with your Dad about the housekeeping issues, about depression, about whether or not he would like some help such as your managing bills (at the beginning of his probable early Lewy's dementia it was my Bro himself who asked if I would do his bills, his Trust, and be his POA). Have honest talks. Help. Watch and wait. Discuss depression.
The money? Is HE asking how best to protect it? Because a CD would "lock it up" a bit. It wouldn't earn a whole lot now, but this also isn't a time to risk to earn in elder years.
Wishing you good luck. You already have a lot in place. Have honest discussions with you Dad. Begin a diary now. Watch for changes. You are being a good daughter here, and your Dad was such a stellar spouse. This isn't a time for more sudden changes. Just keep eyes and ears open.
I'm in my late fifties, This is the best answer I have heard all night!
Spoken with care, and compassion.
I just found a new friend 🤗 nicely written.
When u go to the doctor's take a note with you listing your concerns. Ask the receptionist to give it to the doctor before the appt. This helps him in asking Dad the correct questions.
Any money Dad has should be put in an account in his name if you think he may need Medicaid within the next five years. A trust maybe good. Just realize that Medicaid may look at any accounts with Dad's name on it as his even with a cosigner. My Moms name was on my nephews Annuity account. After Dad's death, we went to the lawyer to make a new Will and have me assigned POA. It was recommended then that her name be removed from the account because of Medicaid. We had proof that it was a payee acct but you just never know.