My mother passed away and I was not with her. I have a guilt and can't forgive myself. Advice?

I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I agree with other posts here. I also have a great fear of taking my Mom to the Dr or hospital due to Covid and have delayed care for her. This is unfortunately the reality that we are all struggling with. I would like to echo what AlvaDeer has said. She is a wise woman with years of medical expertise to share with us. I believe that a trip to the ER would not have saved your Mom as something severe was already underway. She would have passed away alone or with strangers had you taken her. That would have been very sad. Your Mom was lucky to have two people with her who loved her very much. That is a blessing. I know a family who lost their Mom about 10 years ago. The three children were by her side for the last 5 days of her life. On the day she passed away, one son had left to run an errand and was not by her side. It took him a very long time to get over the guilt he felt for leaving her side. The other two children were with her so they helped him finally to accept and be at peace knowing that she was not alone but surrounded by love. I do believe that when our time on this earth comes to an end the best that we could hope for is to be surrounded by love. Your Mom had that. You are such a loving daughter. I’m sorry for the loss of your Mom.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Your mother was fortunate to have such a loving daughter. She is at peace now. Please do not blame yourself, it was your mothers time to pass. I am glad she was with your husband and her sister, not everyone has that blessing. She did not die alone. As for not taking her to the hospital as she requested, she could have died in the hospital and maybe alone. My mother recently asked me to take her to the hospital, she was not feeling well, possibly a UTI. I waited one day and she had a TIA. I took her to the ER, she was hospitalized overnight. I should have taken her that day, but waited. Her heart rate went up to 114 during the night. I said to myself I should have taken her in. I was afraid of Covid -19 as well. Yesterday morning my mother had a coughing spell for 1/2 an hour from her thickened food, finally stopped, she is on aspiration precautions and first time she did this since her diagnosis in October, scared me half to death. Called doctor next day to report changes. We caregivers try to make the best decisions as possible for our loved ones, but our elders have so many health issues, I feel if we acted on all of them, we would be in the ER 24/7. I hope you find peace and strength in the days to come. Blessings to you.

You were there for your mother and you would not have been allowed to be in the hospital with her. There was no visitor policy. Let me ask you a question, with your mother’s preexisting conditions, would mom had rather passed at home with family or had been in a hospital with no one there and been put thru a painful few weeks Alone as they tried to save her. Still to lose her. You were there for her she lived with you for a few months. You husband was with her. Her sister was with her. She loved you she worried about you and your children. She didn’t drown. I have lung issues. The sacks that hold air are diminished. She wasn’t getting breath. She is still with you. Don’t feel guilty. She is your new guardian angel for your family. You will see her all around you. You will see her in your children and know she is there. Her love for you, and forgiveness for what you believe is your fault is there. She probably is happier to have passed the way she did. Love and hugs. I’m sorry for your loss. My story is I took care of my mil for years. She broke a hip. Went into congestive heart failure. I stayed with her for three days. On the fourth day out of nowhere I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I had to go home to change. She passed when I was a mile away from the hospital. She didn’t want to put me thru that. I felt guilty I left. I now realize it was her way to protect me. Loved her. Your mom loved you.

AnnReid, what a lovely heartfelt reply.

I was not with my mother OR with my father when they died.
If you wanted someone to be with her, you were fortunate that loving family was there.
My mother died in the middle of the night.
A dear family member had three very devoted daughters, who were staying with her in her last days. On the day she died, she asked each of the older two to get something for her while the third stayed in her room.
After resting peacefully for a few minutes, she asked the third sister to go and tell the others that she was going to take a nap, and that she’d see them when she woke up. All 3 returned to her room immediately, and found that she’d passed.
All at once they realized that she wanted them to be together while she was dying, and not at her bedside.

You have forgotten, just for this moment of loss, how dearly she loves you. She will ALWAYS be near you, and does not want you to suffer. She knows you did your best, and your reasons for leaving her at peace while you took care of your responsibilities were good and sincere reasons.

She gave you a gift of wanting you and your children to stay safe and be well. Accept her gift.

Be at peace. There is nothing for her to forgive. Your fear of taking her to a hospital during the Covid crisis was based on an honest and loving concern for her. Honor her by forgiving yourself.

Sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. We all do our best and make tough decisions in tough conditions. If you really can't get beyond this, you might want to see a therapist for some help making sense of this all. I suggest you stop beating yourself up. We do not have crystal balls and don't know what is going to happen based upon the many choices we can make.

We have ALL decided to NOT go to the doctor, or the hospital or to do X, Y or Z. For ourselves, our parents, our children, etc.

Take a deep breath. Remember your love for your mother and hers for you. Let yourself grieve. Forgive yourself for being human, for being fallible, for not being perfect. IMHO, it really IS OK.

First of all I am so very very sorry about the loss of your Mom. And the only thing I think that I can say of any comfort at all is that you did what you thought was best for her own good. You aren't a doctor; you can't make a diagnosis, and your fear about hospitalizations and covid-19 is something we are ALL dealing with. In fact an acquaintance I know had to go to hospital after a fall, then to rehab, and DID get covid. Luckily survived it, but your fears were not unfounded.
Without an autopsy you cannot know what was happening with your Mom. With the symptoms of the cough it might have been anything. I spent my life as a nurse, and she had so symptoms that could have been almost anything. It would be natural to fear it might be covid, as your Mom had been exposed with her dialysis. It might have been a blood clot in the lung with the coughing and the bleeding. It might have been abdominal bleeding with some aspirations into the lung. It might have been fluid in the lungs due to a weakening heart pump. Usually when the kidneys go there is also some heart and lung issues. The major systems play off of one another. My real point is that it was impossible to know.
I understand that with your hearing Mom say she wanted to go to the hospital, and your thinking she was better, your fears about covid made you take more a "wait and watch stance", you now have feelings that you should have listened to her. I think we would all feel that way.
The sad truth is that with the bleeding and cough it sounds most to me like it might have been major heart failure or a severe clot thrown to the lungs. Getting your Mom to the hospital right away is unlikely to have saved her life.
You were doing the best you could. ALL involved in Mom's care were doing their best, and were so loving and caring. That you weren't god or even a master diagnostician or fortune teller means you couldn't conceivably guess at the future.
Guilt can sometimes become a way to avoid grief, but always grief is where you end. I sometimes think nothing but time will heal it. You will get these feelings. They will come. But try also to celebrate that you gave your Mom the best care at end of life that you were able to. Perhaps it is only time that heals grief. Your Mom will be with you, within, forever. She will never leave you. As she is housed within now try to make it a home of joy and beauty for her. I wish you healing.