I don’t want to care for my husband with Alzheimer's anymore. We’ve been married for almost 43 years and it hasn't been a happy marriage. Advice?

Thank you all for the caring advice and understanding. After reading fhe articles and Q & A on this site, I do need to contact an elder care atty. i would love to involve our kids more, but they havent been on speaking terms for 2 years. They see whats going on, our son more so I think. Our dtr seems to be in some denial. She’s on his checking acct and signed forms at the VA allowing her to be in charge of his medical issues. I retired a year ago to stay home, he needs more supervision than he thinks he does. He crashed our dtrs car 2 yrs ago in another state that required hiring an atty and going over 200 miles for court appearances. He’s resentful that he cant drive, but thats something we do all agree on. He’s incontinent of urine, a couple times of stool but that was related to meds I think. Its just a daily battle to get the attends on, make sure hes wearing clean clothes, not out of the dirty clothes basket. I know this is long & rambling, and I thank you all for reading and the support.

In agreement with the good information below.

I would like to add, when talking to the adult kids, you approach it by saying: "Your Dad needs more care than I am able to provide".

Get his doctor's advice, and on your side:
"(so his doctor has recommended he be placed for care)".

Leave your confessions of an unhappy marriage out of it when talking to the adult kids. imo. That emotional distance could help you get through a very difficult decision and burnout. imo.

If you are serious in placing your husband in a facility you may want to talk to a lawyer versed in Medicaid.

Medicaid will allow you to protect half of your assets. Your husband's half would be spent down for his care and when gone, u can apply for Medicaid. You will continue to live in the home and have a car. Not sure how your SS will be split but you will be able to live on what you receive. I am just giving u the basics here.

You can discuss this with ur children. Hopefully they will agree that Dad needs to be in an AL or LTC. I think though that daughter will not agree to it. Really, its not her decision, she is not the Caregiver. So, what I would do is get my ducks in a row. See a lawyer and research facilities. You don't ask ur children you tell them. "I can no longer do this, so this is my plan".

Dear "Bogartsmom,"

I'm glad you were able to find the AgingCare Website and have joined the forum. I hope you will find it helpful!

It is hard enough to take care of someone with Alzheimer's or anything else for that matter when you have a good, loving relationship with them but when you don't have a happy marriage, I can understand you feeling that way.

When my dad had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in 2004, he was 82 and my mom was 79. They had been married almost 43 years and did not have a happy marriage either. It was a second marriage for both of them. However, my mom did take care of him, I went over there six days a week to help them both and I brought hospice on board. I knew it was hard for my mom and there were a few times that my mom told me my dad would lash out at her while trying to help him. But, she persevered to the end.

I feel bad that your son has been left out of the equation and I don't know how he would feel about you asking for his help. Since your husband seems to be very close with his daughter, have you asked her to assist you in any way? If the answer is no to both those questions, it would still be a good idea if the three of you could sit down and come up with a way to care for your husband. Are you even considering having him in a facility in a memory care unit where they know how to deal with those types of behaviors and aren't close to the situation?

I can assure you that regardless of how the rest of us get along with the ones we are caring for, most of us - if not all of us, have those moments when we get tired of the whole thing and would like to throw in the towel. But, then we end up picking ourselves up and carry on with our never ending caregiving duties.

I hope as you get answers regarding your situation, you will be able to come to a decision on what to do or at least get you started in the right direction!

Bogartsmom, welcome!

What kind of doctor is following his dementia? Have you considered having him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who might prescribe meds for his moodiness?

Have you seen an eldercare attorney to figure out what your financial options look like?

Have a look at these people:

http://www.alzid.org/support/

I don't know how close their current groups might be to you, but it looks as if they might have useful local information - and certainly a few "like minds" who would understand what you're going through.

I am not certain if you are just venting or if you are honestly telling us that after long assessment you cannot do this anymore. I don't know about the general communication with your children? Are you three able to get together. Can you tell them that you feel unwilling and unable to continue in the caring for your husband? Is your husband suffering from dementia as well as bad temper and incontinence? Is there assets enough for you to live separately with your still providing some support? Are you troubleshooting options now, or merely saying you are having a tough day?
Welcome to the Forum; you will find a lot of information as well as a lot of sharing here.