Looking for advice on a very recent loss.

I'm so sorry about your mom. It's been 4 years since my mom passed. She was my best friend as well. It takes time but it does get better.

I felt better knowing she was reunited with her brother who she loved very much, and who passed 8 years earlier. Also, 2 of the places she was unfortunately at, closed down permanently last year, ironically within 2 months of each other.'

Prayers and Blessings to You.

Seeking, my mom was my best friend as well so I feel you. She died five years ago. I can tell you that in my case the grief is still there but the impact of the grief is far less than it was. At first I thought I'd never get over it but I think knowing that my mom was not suffering anymore helped a lot. I never wanted her to suffer and her suffering always became my suffering cause I loved her so.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Getting exercise, eating right, going to grief counseling. I think now all you need is time. It's cliche but time does heal most wounds. You'll still probably have days where you hear a song, smell something that reminds you of your mom and it will sting but I've found that now I almost look forward to those moments cause it feels like she's with me when that happens. Sounds weird but if I go too long without thinking about her I want these things to happen.

You'll get there. Give yourself time. There's no schedule to grief. It's personal to everybody.

Dear "seekingsupport1,"

You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother and I know how difficult this is for you. Rest assured, "nothing lasts forever - this too shall pass" including the grief.

I applaud you for what you are doing - trying to get a good night sleep, walking every morning, seeking out people to talk to, eating regularly and trying to find something to laugh at. Many, many people can't even attempt those things while lost in their grief. Try not to feel guilty about taking time off work as most companies have a bereavement policy for a reason. Would it have been a distraction? Maybe, but at what cost? Would mistakes be made, would someone say something that triggers you? Who knows.

You said the grief has lessened a bit over the last week and that you are trying to devote a part of your day to grieving which is great. But, please be prepared that it can come and go like the wind. There will be times it will hit you harder than others - it's completely normal. Also, it's great that you began grief counseling twice a week. You've done so much for yourself already in such a short period of time. Try to remember too that it isn't something to try and "get over" as much as trying to find healthy ways to integrate it into your life. You have a year of "firsts" to go through with holidays and birthdays. Try and make it special as you will only go through the year of "firsts" once. If you like writing, maybe make a journal in a pretty book which is what I did. If you like scrapbooking, make a little memory book. Both of those can be cathartic.

Your mom was your best friend and for those who have had a good, loving relationship with their mom there's nothing better. Embrace that as there are also so many who did not have that type of relationship with their moms.

The part you seem to be struggling with the most is the feeling of being "lost."
I'm very close to my 95 year old mother and I know my turn is coming as she is under hospice care. I've already had the anticipatory grief at least half a dozen times since April. As an only child (although she had a daughter from her first marriage but, she passed away at the age of 60 in 2007), she said it's "You and me against the world." I never forgot that and there is a song by Helen Reddy with that exact title. Tough to listen to.

When I lost my dad in 2004, I felt detached from the world which is like being lost. Time stood still while life was still rushing by me so I understand feeling "lost" especially when people began to shun me as if my dad's death would bring death to their family. Certain people who I had known for a long time didn't even come to his funeral which added to feeling "alone." Yes, I had my husband and my mom but, they were handling it more within themselves. Have you ever heard when people say they can be in a crowded room and yet still feel alone? That's what it was like.

I promise you - you will come to a place of acceptance and you will move forward. Keep doing what you're doing!


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I’m so sorry for what you’re feeling and in many ways feel I’m right there with you. I feel that I lost my mom twice, first with a stroke that took her in most ways, and then again with her actual death. We were very close and I went through much like you describe. Now I’m doing it all over again after losing my dad a few weeks ago. The last person who knew me from my start is gone. He was very ready to go, got to leave this world just as he wanted, and that’s brought me much peace. Already, it’s gotten better. Grief comes in waves, and hits unexpectedly. I woke up two nights ago, startled that I’d forgotten to fill my dad’s pill case, wondering why I’d forgotten, then cried remembering why I wasn’t doing it anymore. You are doing all the right steps, we both have to give ourselves the gift of time. I’m glad we both share the gratitude of knowing our parent is at peace, that in itself lightens the load. I wish you grace and comfort

I was ruined by my father’s death. It was about 3 years before I began to pull myself together.

At around that time I began to have dreams about meeting my father in a beautiful park. He was standing near a fine strong tree, and everything was EXACTLY as it had been between us except that he didn’t talk to ,e.

Some time after having the dream, I realized that it was a metaphor that described what was happening in my time- he was SO CLOSE to me in that park, but we were separated, he was there, in that place of peace and beauty, and I was here.

After that realization I came to notice ongoing incidents in which he was so near me. Something lost would be inexplicably found, someone from his past would appear.......my mom lived for almost 25 years after he died. On the day she died, I sat beside her holding her hand, and realized so strongly, that he was there, standing in the doorway behind me, wearing his tweed suit.

With the strong sense that she would soon be leaving with him to go Home, I left her. A little after midnight I got the call that she was gone.

Although I have deep faith in the ongoing life of the Spirit, I am definitely NOT a fanciful person, but the presence of those who have gone on are as certain to me as anything in my current life.

Be at Peace. Your mother will want you to realize that all is well, and that she continues to hold you close to her.

You say your Mom was your best friend. My brother was mine. He died in May at the ripe old age of 85 leaving me, his sister, who is Gretel in the woods of life without her Hansel. I know the feeling of losing your best friend. I have also known great and enduring love. Aren't we both lucky?
I am an atheist, so for me there is no "Heaven" to place my bro in. He was an atheist as well. Yet I have entered the "Year of Magical Thinking" and must own that I am loving it. I celebrate my brother and our love by writing the same long letters we wrote one another in life when not in the same city. I tell him things I would tell him, I share what's up with my life. I make collages in it. Roses. In his ALF he decorated the tables with cut roses from the gardens. His old Truck. I talk to him.
As to giving you comfort it will get better? It WILL. Those of us who LOVED and resolved most "issues" during life are left with the easier grief, believe me. It comes down to feeling sorry for our own loss, from feeling so shockingly alone.
Make your diary. Decorate it. Write your Mom thoughts. For me, as the months pass I go there a bit less, then less yet. I can "feel" him moving from me, or feel myself letting go of him. His life was good. He saw much. He had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's and he didn't want to/was afraid to "go there". The oddest thing I feel is "relief". That he doesn't HAVE to go there. Nor worry. Nor fear.
I wish you so much luck. And again, aren't we the lucky ones? So much love to celebrate.
Allow yourself the time off. Allow yourself those moments when you curl into a fetal ball on the bed, depressed, and just utter to yourself and to her "Oh....Mom. Oh.....Mom." Be easy on yourself. Give yourself the gift of permission to feel whatever you want to feel on any given day. Even doubt is allowed. There is nothing that's not allowed.
Hugs out to you.

Of course you feel lost.
You lost the person that raised you, that taught you to be the person you are today.
You lost the one that held your hand and cooled your brow when you were sick. The one that held your hand on the first day of school, your first boyfriend, first dance, first breakup..
But she is still with you.
Every time you look in the mirror, especially as you turn you catch a glimpse of her. Every time you catch yourself saying something that she used to say to you, she is there.
Share her stories. Share what she taught you and she will truly never be gone.
As long as you speak her name she will never leave you.
The rawness will fade, the hurt will subside and become a dull ache that in turn will fade as well. It all takes time. Think of putting a stitch in your heart every day, soon it will be stitched up. But stitched does not mean healed. Once in a while something will happen to make a stitch rip and you have to sew it again. The stitches will take a while to dissolve but they will.
Do not let anyone tell you how long to grieve. Grief is personal and it knows no timeline. Go back to work when it is right for you BUT getting back to a "normal" routine does help. When you return, if they allow it once in a while bring in one of your mom's favorite cookie or brownie recipes and share with your friends. It will be another way to keep her close.

Dear one - so sorry for the great loss of your mum. What you are going through is absolutely normal. I think you are doing the right things. Considering that your mother was your best friend, life will probably never be quite the same again, but that does not mean it cannot be as good, After losing someone significant we go through a great change and need to develop a new "normal".

Please be assured you are OK, but feeling the loss and the emptiness. In time you will feel better. Remember there are certain occasions which are harder like birthdays and holidays, and at 3 months, 6 months 9 months and a year after, etc we feel our losses more.

Good job on taking care of yourself. Keep letting us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))