Lives in home alone. Both knees and back surgery in past 5-6 years. She is overweight (as are many folks including myself), has only a bathtub, and is very weak. She has fallen often and can't help while you help getting her up. Cannot get knees under herself to help. Uses a cane. Has trip hazards to include throw rugs. Multiple items delivered to home for water, ensure, coffee, creamer. Boxes are left until housekeeper comes or we stop by. Can't get boxes from mailbox if left there. Has to rely on a neighbor coming by (in condo) or calls to ask us to come by. A friend suggest assisted living...which she thinks means "a home". No family. We (husband and I) have had to leave work to get her off floor. I have gotten her up once with another assisting and it took some time. Husband can get her up fairly quickly ( I am 5 feet, he is 6'2"). But we can't leave work constantly or when we ever get to travel. Last time she feel getting out of shower and crawls army style to phone, called, crawled to door to unlock, and was naked on floor. I got her in t-shirt and undies but still had to have husband get leave work too and get her off floor. Husband recommended life alert. We suggested contacting VFD to help. She doesn't seem open to any. I recommended considering walk in shower, and to put up handicap bars which are secured to wall. She has used towel rack. She ordered suction cup type.
I mentioned that assisted living would have someone to respond 24/7. She ordered a bath chair but limited space can't use chair and keep water out of face directly. I can't lose my job. And I already have an elderly father, a brother with CHF who call upon me quite often. I am out of energy. She has called no less then 8x a day. I can't even take all the phone calls and get work completed. I try to limit pick up but of course panic that maybe she is hurt or fallen. Which adds to anxiety.
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She should not be using just a cane. They are only good when one leg needs support and the other is still good. She should be using a walker. The Rollators have seats. If she feels her legs are giving out, she then can sit. She can scoot around on it too.
I agree, she needs an alert button. She should be as independent as possible. You and your husband should not be helping up someone who is overweight and dead weight.
I am going to be criticized for this, but she needs to lose the weight. This is why her knees are bad. Her weight does not help. I know, this is not easy for someone who is homebound but it would make her life so but better. She doesn't have to be skinny, just enough to be able to do more for herself. It becomes a catch 22. The more you gain, the less you can do. The less you do, hard to get that weight off. Maybe if she used a walker she could go out and get her mail. Just small changes could get her started. Cut back on sugar and starches. Each day do something, cleaning, cleaning out. See if a stationary bike would help with her knees.
Bathchair and limited space. This does not make sense to me. The ones that have no back can go across or side ways. Sideways maybe a little awkward but can be done. The PC Pipe kind may not fit if her tub is not wide. Those suction bars are OK but would not hold her weight if she tries to keep from falling.
Your friend is depending on too many people because...you allow it. Find out what resources are available to her and then sit down and have a good talk with her. Explain that things have changed. You are now responsible for 2 family members. With working, you cannot spread urself this thin. You have no idea what will happen with Dad as he ages or brother as his CHF worsens. Its time for her to take advantage of what is out there. And the calls have to stop. I was very strict with my family about calling me at work. It better be an emergency. With her, she needs to find someone else to help during working hours. She needs to understand you could lose your job.
I have a friend who because she didn't get help she is now in a NH for probably the rest of her life. She ended up in rehab for the 3rd time in a matter of a few months. It must have been determined she needed 24/7 care and there was no one willing to do the care. One son is estranged the other lives in a bordering state with a new baby. Because the NH is not allowed to do an unsafe discharge, she had to give up her apt and her dog. All this during COVID. She also is 71. Does your friend want to end up like this?
I know some of this is it is her home, consideration for limits on income, clearing and going through all her items, and just something new as we get older. She doesn't want to be older. Or limited. She still drives and goes to grocery store, pharmacy and lunch dates here and there. And moving would not take that away. And would allow her to interact in person and maybe some additional exercise. Getting her from here to there...and me from here to there. She cried last fall when we mentioned VFD. We had planned, before COVID-19 to be on vacation at that time.
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Unfortunately, you are past "encouraging options" with her. It's obvious she can't keep living like this, but she has no reason (in her mind) to seek assisted living since she has you to do for her. 72 is not terribly old, and while she is frail, she could live another 5-10 years. Could you keep doing this for that long?
First, she can't call you at work all day. I don't know where she is mentally, but if she can remember, tell her something like this: "My boss really frowns upon personal calls at work, and I might lose my job. Please don't call me there anymore, okay?" Puts the blame on boss, not her.
She depends on you now to rescue her and take care of her. This has to stop. As others said, tell her to call 911. If she calls you instead, tell her you are hanging up to call 911 for her. It may seem harsh, but it's the best way forward.
It is time now to provide her with all the numbers she needs. A fall alarm company. The Emergency Services in her area (some have lift teams), 911. And to tell her with all love that you cannot now continue to field all of her calls. That you have gone beyond the limit of what you are able to do. And that you are stepping away, and hope this will bring rapid recognition that she must now get help for safe placement.
You are going to have to stick to this. When she calls you you are going to have to tell her that you are calling EMS. You may consider a report of elder at risk with your local Adult Protective Services.
Do know now that every single action you take to "help" is merely endangering this woman who should no longer be alone. It is at this point endangering you ALL.
When she calls, call EMS for her. I understand, as you have increasingly taken on more and more and more you have become more entangled and that you will feel you are deserting her, but at present you are co-ing someone in much the same way as someone bringing a 5th of vodka to an alcoholic.
And the fact that you are only her friend and are doing all this for her, well God bless you. Are you her medical POA or durable POA? If not who is, and why aren't they taking more of an active role in her care? You know that things cannot continue like they are, or you wouldn't have posted your question. You already have your hands full with your job and other family members, and you're only one person. I'm not sure what you are trying to prove. You're only human. We all have our breaking points.
Now as far as her falling and calling you and your husband to get her up. You need to stop that immediately, and tell her she needs to be calling 911, as they will either send out EMT's or firefighters to get her up at no charge,(unless she's hurt and has to go to the ER). She can prearrange with them ahead of time where a key will be hidden, so they can get in the house without having to break the door down.
And if she really is your friend, please tell her that she can't be calling you when you are at work, and if she does that you will have to let it got to voicemail and you will listen to her message/s when you're on break or lunch. I don't know of too many employers(unless you work from home), that allow personal phone calls when on the clock.
You've allowed this behavior for what sounds like quite a long time now, so it won't all be fixed overnight, but baby steps my dear, baby steps.