How to talk about a long term care facility?

Dear "Goldenrex,"

Welcome to the AgingCare forum!

First, I will say nothing will be easy about any of it. My dad passed away in 2004 leaving my then 79 year old mom alone in their home where I grew up. I'm an only child so there are no siblings to help me and her five remaining siblings all live in other states and are not supportive and do not help with her care.

My mom wanted to stay in her home forever. I tried to go back and forth from our house to hers for ten years until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89. I just couldn't do it any longer. After taking her car keys away, my husband and I sat down with her and told her she couldn't continue to live on her own. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do as we moved here in 1968 and that was the only place she's known since my dad's employer transferred us here from Illinois.

What I ended up doing with help from my husband (when he wasn't at work) - we went looking at facilities on our own. After I narrowed my choice from 8 down to 2, I asked my mom's friend to come with my mom and I to look at the two choices. I was enthusiastic and pointed out the good things they had to offer like activities, a beautiful courtyard/garden and I kept my mom involved instead of in the dark. This helped her feel like I was doing something for her not to her behind her back. So I think being as open and honest with her as well as doing it in a calm manner would be helpful to all of you.

Was it hard on moving day? Yes, but I made sure to visit her daily for a period of time until she got adjusted.

I wish you well as you navigate this situation!

Not that it will work, but if you explain that you're concerned for her health and know you can't provide the care she needs, that might help her realize WHY you're making the decision.

My dad lovingly cared for my mother for four years until he suddenly became sick and died. Unfortunately, my dad let her nap all day in a chair because it was tough to be 88 and take care of a house, do all the cooking and shopping AND keep Mom stimulated. She'd fight him on taking showers (she smelled awful), and she developed terrible edema from spending all day in a chair with her feet hanging down.

After Dad died, I had to move Mom to a NH. After a hiccup at the first place, I moved her to a memory care, and her health improved immensely along with her cognitive abilities. She doesn't sleep all dy because there's always something going on to engage her. Best of all, she's clean and well-cared for, and all I have to do is love her. I'm certain that had my dad continued to try to care for her alone, she'd be dead by now. One untrained person can't do it all.

In short,

Your profile says MIL has Dementia. Depends on how far into her journey she is. My Mom was to the point that she wouldn't have comprehended what we said. We just told her she was going to a new apt where she would meet nice people and have things to do. If u have POA you can place her.