Need help dealing with a toxic mother...

So, what's new?
This is what you always dealt with and you are still dealing with it.
If you are waiting for her to tell you how mistaken she was, what marvelous, beautiful, competent and wonderful women you ALL are, you will be waiting a long time. She will be dead six months and still criticizing you. The important thing for you ALL is to find folks who WILL tell you what wonderful women you are. You have kept contact with this person for all your grown life, so you MUST be wonderful. More wonderful than me. I would be down to a 5 minute call to her on Sunday morning; that's where my partner ended with his Mom.
My advice for you is to understand she won't change, accept it so that forgiveness for her limitations can enter, and distance yourself.
You have dealt with this long enough to understand what you are dealing with. Deal with it less. She will be perfectly happy ragging on you to all the residents where she lives; you don't need to see and hear it to know she's happily at it.

You have allowed Mom to get away with this for years. Going to be hard to change her now. So, she won't change you have too. I would not tell her anything that she would feel was immoral. Ur sister dating before her divorce and the grands living with significant others she did not need to know about. I would keep my conversations general. I may not block her, maybe just not answer the phone letting it go to voicemail. When she gets started, tell her ur not discussing it. Try to change the subject, if it doesn't work, say goodby. Cut down ur visits.

For now, let her be miserable. In a few days text her saying your just checking in. You can always call the Nurse and ask how they are doing. Tell her Mom is a little put out with her family so she has blocked communication. This way the Nurse is aware if there are mood changes in Mom and if so why. Treat Mom like youvwould one of your kids. Don't play into her tantrums.

All of you step back. Block her phone number. She is in a facility with your Dad. Let the staff know that you have blocked calls from Mum, but it something happens to Dad could they please call you.

You will never get your mother's approval, it is best for all of you to stop trying.

It's very sad that your mother can't find happiness within herself. Or contentment that her children are happy themselves.

YOU can't fix that. At best, you can encourage her to seek some psychiatric help for her sadness. But YOU can't make her happy.

And yes, you should step back, all of you. If she thrives on the drama of arguing and accusing, it is time to withdraw that source of narcissistic supply from her.

Triggering her does more harm than good. To both of you.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too have a very toxic mother. My mother was was also abusive. My take on this is that she will never come around, and there will be no Hallmark moments. If she does call you to apologize it will be some sort of manipulation move until the next time she lays into all of you. I recently had to block my mother’s calls for awhile. She’s also in a facility and they will call me if there’s an issue. I sometimes hear “oh she’s your mother and she’s the only one you have.” I don’t agree with that at all. I have created my own chosen and loving family. They don’t say cruel things and they make me feel good about myself.

You say you love your mother, then maybe it’s time to deal with her directly and let her you love her but won’t put up with her constant criticisms and will be out of touch for awhile. Don’t feel guilty. It serves no purpose. You need to live a happy fulfilled life and stop worrying about what she says and if she will ever change. If she starts in with you, then tell her you need to go. Don’t fall for the bait! You are not responsible for her bad childhood and shouldn’t have to take the brunt of her anger. And don’t use that as an excuse: “well she had a bad childhood...” Many of us did and we don’t torture our children. As you say she’s been doing this a long time and it’s time for it to stop and for you to have some relief. And it will only get worse if you don’t deal with it now.

I don’t love my mother. But I still have chosen to oversee her care and insure she has what she needs, is safe and protected from the people that were taking advantage of her. I now do it from a distance with little communication. Set strong boundaries - it’s not easy!!! And if you need to talk to a counselor I can say I did and it helped me greatly.

You could be describing my mother. She also had a bad childhood and has never gotten over it. She has had enough therapy in her life that she should have come to some resolution by now but she hasn't. She is never happy with ANYTHING!! I never knew what a narcissist mother was until someone gave me the book "Trapped in a Mirror". I read it and it was like someone finally confirmed what I had been feeling my whole life. It was there in words. You will never be good enough for her and she will never give you the acknowledgement you so desire. You are lucky that she is in a place and you are not totally responsible. This gives you the ability to limit your time with her and if she gets nasty then you can walk away. I think of it as a spoiled child. If my mom starts the negativity, I say I need to go to do something else and will leave her house or hang up the phone. I am not going to sit there and let her say whatever she wants to me. Look up the gray rock method. This is what I have to do when I am around my mom. There is no excitement, no giving of anything outside of what she physically needs. It is the only way I get through it. It is very sad that our own mothers cannot get over what has happened in their lives and tell us they love us and how proud they are of us. I think even on her death bed, my mom would still find something to complain about!! I love my mom because she is my mom. I don't really like the person she is and would not have anything to do with her if she wasn't my mom. It is very sad to say that. She has created this not me. I am now and adult and can see through her personality that I could not see as a child. My only hope now is that she doesn't suffer in her alzheimers and that she doesn't outlive me. To be able to live and not feel the guilt of her after 50+ years is something I would love to experience. Sorry if this all sounds harsh...it is my current situation. I am an only child and my dad has passed. Her family does nothing and it is all on me. Even though I am the only one left to care for her, she still finds ways to try and guilt me and make negative comments. You would think she would be thankful since I am the only one who cares what happens to her, but it would be a cold day in hell before she would thank me. I am sorry you are going through this.

During my moms last silent treatment I reflected on my life and realized I did not want to talk to her anymore. She had said too many awful things and a line was crossed that can not be uncrossed.

Now I am using gray rock to keep up very low contact. Do you still want contact? Gray rock will let you have some contact but for me I am emotionally detached. It’s not easy but better than the alternative. Guilt trips are emotional abuse and not okay.

Good luck. You deserve peace!

Usually people who are unkind like that are very unhappy people and want you to be just as miserable so these are the tactics they use. You need to come to grips with her behavior not changin just because you wish she were different. That will help you accept it even though it can be hurtful at times. You can go Gray Rock on her (google it) a DNR I have a great little book for you written my a psychologist who counsels adult children of difficult parents. In it he gives tips on how to understand it and deal with them. I underlined the heck out of mine. Author is Paul Chafetz title is Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents
He also does therapy sessions on Skype. My sister did one with him.

Beachgirl,
There are so many of us that are in the same boat!! You're in good company!!
Are Mom and Dad in the same room?
Is it possible to see Dad without seeing Mom?
My opinion is that you should respect what Mom said "I'm done with all of you "
So be it Mom!!
If she does reach out to you, then you can choose whether or not you want to communicate.
There are tons of videos on YouTube that talk about dealing with narcissistic parents.
A little research may be helpful.
Hang in there!

Totally empathize with you. My mom, also, had a difficult upbringing, specifically with her Mother. Interestingly enough she has become just like her. Verbal abuse damages relationships and individuals’ self-confidence. I am sure you know this. Sometimes you have to be firm but respectful. I have had to stay away but stay available if necessary. We do not have the ability to choose our parents but when we become an adult, we can choose how much time we spend with them. It hurts when parents say hurtful words but try hard to not let it define who you are. I have learned how NOT to treat my children. Spend time with people who lift you up, appreciate who you are and most importantly- pray! Our Living, Heavenly Father is available to to you in your day to day struggles and celebrations!