Moving Dad and I from MD to AZ. Residential assisted living for him. So worried about it all. Advice?

"Barbara328,"

One more thing that has worked for me when I moved my mom both times. Talk to him in an enthusiastic way where even your face shows it. They can really pick up on our emotions. I found that it can help calm their fears and doubts when you show them your being positive. It might even help with your own!

Yes, Wickenburg - every now and then my husband and I would go down there and find a little place to have breakfast just to get out of the city. Haven't done any of that since COVID as being an only child, I can't afford to get sick. I'm now a homebody!

It sounds like you’re doing the best you can by your father. As an only child, it can become pretty overwhelming trying to handle all this by yourself. I’m doing the same thing with my mom. I agree with the advice jkm999 just gave that you should put the idea of moving him in with you out of your mind. It will put way too much pressure on you to provide all the care he gets at assisted living by yourself, and the stress will be hard on him as well. I also agree that if you can, you might try to find a place that’s closer to you. You will need to run errands—ALF’s don’t supply things like incontinence supplies, OTC meds, or just general comfort items and treats that make life nicer for your dad. You will also need to be a pretty regular visitor just to make sure things are going well and provide “family” stability and companionship. Little things like dropping in to eat dinner at the facility or play a round of bingo can do a lot for morale, and help cement friendships with other residents. He will be lonely at first because he’ll be a long way from the people and places he’s used to. Adding in a 40 minute (each way) trip will make it much harder on you to provide this stability.

My last little bit of advice is to go easy on yourself. Do your best and then let it go. It’s important that you keep your own emotional balance so that you can be helpful and a source of positive support for your dad.

Big hugs!

Dear "Barbara328,"

Wow, that's quite a haul. As someone who lives in Arizona, I was wondering if he will be going into a group home.

He sounds a lot like my 95 year old mom who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's related dementia in 2014. My mom knows who my husband and I are and her other siblings even though they all live in other states and aren't involved in her care. I too am an only child and I tried to help my mom for ten years in the home I grew up in after my dad died in 2004. I too was worn out and could no longer provide what she needed and she wasn't cooperative when I tried to bring some in home help.

In 2015, we moved her into an ALF where I had quite a few issues after the original husband and wife owners retired. Once my mom nearly died of severe dehydration and COVID, she then went to a rehab facility and we used their placement service and found a great place for her in their memory care unit as she had gone from being completely mobile before being hospitalized to being bedbound, not eating or drinking and losing 25 lbs.

Just as you know your dad best and I know my mom best, I went against professional advice of telling her about the move - that she would not be returning to her previous apartment. It was the right thing to do for "our" situation. I think you've done good to tell your dad things about the move in "small bites" so to speak so it's not so overwhelming.

We would have moved my mom a year ago but, everyone kept telling me not to because they can't handle their routine being disrupted. We've lived here since 1968, my mom only knew our one home, then moved to ALF and then moved to another ALF this May and she is doing much better considering everything she's been through.

It is normal to feel the way you do. It's a huge move for both of you but, it sounds like you have thought things through in an orderly manner and have as many ducks in a row as you possibly can. Just as "jkm999," said "Not easy, but fine."

Just keep doing what you're doing and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Change is always hard for the majority of us but, there always has to be an adjustment period that follows whether the change is good or bad i.e. like a job promotion or even just moving from one house to another house in the same city.

I wish you and your dad the best and welcome to Arizona!

Also, remember there will always be resources at your fingertips whenever a new issue arises -

It will be fine. Not easy, but fine. Keep breathing. Consider it like a child moving to a new school. There will be unhappy moments until he gets into the life rhythm of the new living arrangement and he may make it into all your fault, but eventually things will settle in. And put the idea that you can bring him home with you if he's unhappy right out of your mind. That's not a good decision for either of you. My only concern is that you are 40 minutes away. You may determine that is inconvenient and decide to move him closer to you.