Why is my loved one not talking with me except to ask for what she needs?

To be honest with you, I do just like your mother. When someone in my home acts like they are grumpy or expecting too much from me, I literally go stay in my room. My "peace haven."

I would hope no one would think they needed "a pat on the back."

The KEY is ..... "Your mom is staying in her room." If she wanted it all about herself; she would be out of that room doing everything she could to seek your attention.

I agree with peace216. As folks get older they tend to be more myopic and see their needs only. Thus imo they become more self centered and lack empathy. And it could be mom is somewhat jealous of the attention you give your toddler as others said.

It’s the aging process. She probably wants more attention than you can give her, and rightfully so as you are the “mama bear” now and not the center of your mother’s universe.

Maybe lowering your expectations will help as you recognize the issue and realize mom just doesn’t have it in her anymore. It’s frustrating for you but focus on you and your toddlers needs (goodness knows the baby keeps you busy!). Don’t look for support from her because she is not capable of it.

Wishing you peace and good luck!

As my mom slipped into her forgetfulness she stopped caring about my needs for a little while and only had demands. She would catch herself, though, apologize and try to pass on something helpful. The thing was, she really no longer knew how or what would help because my circumstances have always been very different from hers. For you perhaps it is that parenting in different generations changes a bit and your mom may feel that she really just does not know. Also, as others suggest, she may be concentrating on her own needs because that's all she's capable of now. It's really hard to have a parent not be that same parent they've been and even to eventually have the roles switched. Perhaps your mom needs more contact with others her age and you need more contact with others in your situation with children. Or maybe ask her why she is not entering into family matters.

I'm willing to guess your mom was probably always this way to you. It's called being a selfish narcissist. Her needs and wants have always been first in her life and always will be. My mother is exactly the same way. She couldn't care less what's going on with me. If I'm ill or in pain, or anything. So long as I can produce and make sure she gets what she wants and needs. If it's your house that she's living in, I'd throw her the hell out. You've got a baby to take care of. Don't feel guilty about it either. Think of your situation like this. Give as much to mom as she gave and gives to you.

Dear Sandwiched -

I feel for you. I do. But it may be that as your mother's world is contracting, she is focusing more and more on her immediate needs and less and less on anybody else's needs and feelings. It's understandable that you want her to still act like she's your mother and you're her daughter. But it may not be possible for her.

I had a very good relationship, a friendship really, with my mother until I started taking care of her. At that point, I stopped being a loved one and started being treated as simply a resource. I was angry about it, honestly. My mother never really "mothered" me - and I never wanted her to. But she always related to me as a separate person with my own feelings, needs, etc., until she became dependent on me for help. It just seemed that anything that interfered or competed with her access to me as a helper was unwelcome in her world.

I know this isn't the answer you want to hear. But it may be the reality. There may be no way to get what you need from your mother, even if you could have in the past. Try to find other sources of support to rely on. That's all I can suggest.

I would absolutely NEVER say anything to intentionally hurt anyone, never. I have no idea where you are coming from.

The OP stated in her post that her mom says "I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME" but that she needs her mom to say "XZY"? She stated she needs her mom to "comfort her."

All I am saying is "If she is a grown woman with a child, she can't expect her mom to still baby her." It is time to grow up.

I am not trying to knock her, I'm just being REAL.

"My opinion" is just that, "my opinion."

Your mother is aging, physically and mentally. She is losing the capacity to empathize which goes hand in hand with becoming a bit more selfish. Maybe years ago she would have been able to say " I know what you're going through..why don't you try this.... but it's all about her now. Maybe an Assisted Living facilty would be good change for her . New friends, activities and 24/7 care. Your # 1's are your child, husband and you.

It is possible that your Mom is having trouble mentally and emotionally coping with your toddler (3 years old?) due to some physical changes in her brain. Has your Mom been evaluated by a doctor since this behavior started?

According to past postings, your Dad and Mom moved across country to where you live about 3 years ago (while you were pregnant.) Apparently your Dad was placed in a LTC facility and your Mom came to live with you. Is your Dad still alive or did he pass away recently? Is it possible that your Mom misses her interaction with her husband and seeing you interact with your husband and child reminds her of what she has lost or is losing because of old age or due to COVID restrictions?

Your relationship with your Mom is changing and will continue to change as she becomes less and less able to care for herself. You are becoming the "Mother" because you are the one giving the care, and your Mom is becoming the "Daughter" because she is the person that needs to be taken care of.

I think you are asking too much from your mother. That is probably why she is kind of like hiding out in a room.

I don't think you can teach a person empathy; they are either able & willing to understand your point of view or they're not, plain & simple. Now, the question is.......did something happen to turn your mother FROM an empathetic, nurturing, caring individual INTO the polar opposite? Or has she always been this way? Is she developing dementia, for instance, which creates an 'all about me me me me me me' persona, or did she suffer a stroke, or is she depressed as a result of not being able to get out, and maybe that's why she's acting odd and hiding in her room?

As a rule, people don't change their entire personalities on a dime. Something happens to change their personality, especially with the elderly. It's going to be up to YOU to figure out what's really going on with your mother by getting her in to the doctor for a physical, and by letting him or her know ahead of time about her change in personality. That's what I'd do. And, in the meantime, I'd sit your mother down for a heart-to-heart talk and I'd tell her that "when you stay in your room all day it makes me feel like I'm not worth your time"............phrase the statement in a 'when you do this, it makes me feel like that' sort of way. Which is non-confrontational and doesn't lead to a defensive rebuke from her. Think about the statements you want to make to her and see how she responds. If she flies right off the handle and gets angry and very upset, that's a bad sign ........... that maybe something is going on with her cognition levels or with her brain mechanism.

You are a human being and as such, entitled to YOUR feelings when being treated this way by your own mother. Please try not to beat yourself up during this process, but to take time out to pamper yourself instead. When mother asks for things, tell her to please leave her list on the kitchen counter and you'll get to it in the next few days. Figure out how to deal with her needs without driving yourself crazy, you know? It's hard, I know.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

Dear "SandwichedAt40,"

I'm sensing some type of resentment regarding you having a toddler to take care of that is interfering with your full attention to your mom's own wants and needs. She doesn't want to acknowledge or comfort you because of those feelings. It reminds me of some first born children who get all the attention from their parents and then new baby sister or brother comes along and they have their pouting sessions because now they have to share their parents attention.

With that being said and since I don't know your mom's age or what her illness is, it could also be she doesn't want to deal with all the things that come with raising a toddler. She may be too impatient or tired to go through all that added stress for herself so she may be disengaging to keep it at a distance especially if she's hiding in her room and just coming out for her meals.

You have already tried the best thing there is - telling her the truth that you would like her to express some appreciation and empathy for your side of the situation. I think she does get it, she's just not going to do what you have asked her to do and unfortunately, you can't keep forcing her to do so. It seems like she already does know just by saying "I know you're having a hard time..."

So since you have kept trying to use the same tactic over and over and are getting the same result, I would try going about your business very nonchalantly and see if that changes her tune once she's sees she's not pushing your buttons. I just sense she's trying to not only get her way but, trying to get your "goat" so to speak.

And of course, I think the pandemic plays a role in all our lives in one form or another and in varying degrees. But, we all have had to adjust in how we deal with it.

Bottom line, I think she wants to be the "one and only" in your household.

I wish you luck!