I need help- My mother is almost 77 years old and has now lived with us about 10 years.

You need to talk with the children first about grandma moving out so that they won't be so upset when the conversation happens. You should not feel responsible for caring for your mom as she ages, that's her responsibility. She's financially capable of living in an apt. or maybe independent living. It's important for your family unit to interact without the added stress. You can visit her, take her out to lunch, & call her to show that you love her & haven't forgotten her. I feel that you both (present as a united couple) should explain to your mom that the time has come for her to find a place of her own by such & such date. Offer your assistance in helping her look for a place & then as a family help her move.

We would fare so much better if we were truly honest with ourselves. I say this because I lied to myself for years. I convinced myself that I was fine. I wasn’t. I convinced myself that it was my duty to look after mom because I promised my father on his death bed to do so. Blah, blah, blah...fill in the rest. It’s a common story on this forum.

The truth is that I wasn’t happy. I had my mom in my home for 15 years. Am I sorry? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes, I do. Do I wish I hadn’t? It was fine for a short time.

My mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. Of course, she needed a temporary place to stay. That experience was devastating for her. It becomes unbearable when the living arrangement goes on and on and on.

The same with you, your mom may have needed a shoulder to lean on after her divorce but it has been 10 years!

My husband tired of it too. As daughters we feel caught in the middle but we have to be honest with ourselves. We wouldn’t like it if he had put his mom before us so it isn’t fair that our moms were placed first.

My kids adore their grandmother. She adores them. That is a separate relationship that I never interfered with. I want my children to love and appreciate her and I am glad that she loves them. I respect their love for each other and wouldn’t ever take that away from them. My mom no longer lives with us and my kids have still maintained a relationship with their grandmother.

I feel relieved that mom is no longer living with us. She is being cared for. I’m at peace with the situation.

I think you will welcome time alone with your husband if your mom moves out. She will survive and you and your husband will be much happier!

Best wishes to you and your family.

You've done more than enough for your mother and your husband has every right to be fed up. Her playing the emotional blackmail card is no reason to keep you from asking her to move out, either. Enough is enough. Offer to help get her set up in a senior independent living apartment and to do all you can to get her acclimated. You're not doing this from lack of love for her but from a strong need for alone time with your husband which you haven't had in a decade. She's very fortunate to have had Your hospitality for all these years now, think of it like that. You're not abandoning her either, and plan to see her often in her new place.

Fwiw, my grandmother lived with us for 25 years before my mother could take NO more and had her leave. She was fine and went on to carve out a new life for herself in the new place. Your mother is young and fit enough to do the same. You may be doing her a favor more than anything else.

I know it's hard to feel you're obligated to house your mother for life, but you're not. Time to give hubby some attention he may be needing now. Have fun and good luck!

Your priority is your husband and marriage. Frankly your husband has been very accommodating and kind given her divorce; but that’s over and time for her to move on and the two of you to reconnect. Who knows she may find a new life with friends her age that she can enjoy in her later years. You and your family will still be there for her but you’re a grown up now and your husband is your partner. Your mom will be fine.

You and your husband have contributed to this situation, so it's pretty brutal to tell her now she has to go. I'd be looking at assisted living for her, because to expect a nearly 80-year-old woman to live on her own all of a sudden isn't going to work.

No matter how much you think she can handle it, she's going to be less able than you believe. If she'd been independent-minded, she wouldn't have moved in with you and stayed for 10 years after a divorce.

Your Mom is well, but has become dependent on you. That won't be easy to address, and the only way to do so is honestly.
Step 1: You and your husband sit and come to hard and fast conclusions about what must be done, and what you can do to help (search for Assisted Living, or help with small apartment nearby and moving, etc.
Step 2: You and your husband sit with your Mom and tell her that you both now wish to live together alone. That you will assist your Mom in setting up a life nearby in the following ways. That your Mom has (give amount of time; say 3 months) to work with you toward a move.
Yours is certainly one of the easier posts, because your Mother is able. I am 78 and I am able as well. Were I alone, and without my partner I would be comforted by living nearby to my children, but I would not want to live WITH them; that is a very unfair burden for them to bear.
You have reached your limitations and your Mom has easily these days another 20 years of life in these times. It is time to start addressing this reality. It will not be without tears and sadness. Not everything can be fixed; perfect happiness is a myth.