Moral dilemma!

Boy, do I understand the dilemma!

For my mom it wasn't booze, it was salt. Salt, salt, salt, salt, salt! About the single worst thing she could have with her CHF. It made her swell up like a Macy's Day Parade balloon. And she constantly, constantly asked me to pick up salt-filled things when I did her grocery shopping. Pickles, and olives, and cheese, and cold cuts and Fritos. "I won't eat a lot of it" (as she would plow through a big jar of olives a day, or a family sized bag of Fritos at night.)"

I told my husband about the dilemma. I mean, who am I to tell a grown woman what she should and shouldn't be eating? He suggested I not buy the stuff - if I didn't get it, there's no way she can get it in the house, because she has absolutely no idea how to use Instacart or any other grocery delivery service - she doesn't even really "get" Amazon. But I sort of argued - as I said, who am I to tell her what she can and can't eat? I had no desire to be the "food police". I told my husband, in essence (and frustration, too) "hey, if she wants to kill herself with this stuff, who am I to tell her not to?" to which he replied "she might want to kill herself; doesn't mean you have to provide the gun."

Boom. Dilemma solved. And since her health directly affects me, because I'm the one dealing with the fallout, I think I have a right to say - within reason - "no, mom, I'm not getting you all that salty s**t. Deal with it." And you know something - for the most part, she has.

So I wish you well in this. If the booze will do more harm than good, then you don't have to provide the "gun". Good luck, and (((hugs))), especially with your upcoming surgery!!! Surround yourself with positive energy, and let your mom throw her tantrum - and take Lea's advice and turn off your phone!!

Don't go tomorrow. Tell her your doctor has you in traction.

Send the Depends via Amazon or Walmart.

Inform the DON about mom's requests for alcohol. The geri psych needs to adjust her meds.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

I know someone now drinking mouthwash and hand sanitizer when nothing else can be found, so I think question here is about alcoholism. Are you the POA for health care and able to discuss this with administration? Because alcohol can worsen mobility by a whole lot, lead to a broken hip and there you are. I would discuss this, the levels they are seeing of the drinking. The person I spoke of above was in his Assisted Living screaming, shouting and hiding diapers at night and the person next door didn't want to report and "get him in trouble". So what I am saying is that this perhaps needs to be doled out by the facility. Whether she likes it or not. As to hubby, this isn't about him. She isn't his mother. She isn't in his home. So no, there is no need to discuss this with hubby. Discuss this with the Assisted Living, and if necessary with Mom and the Assisted Living. Certainly hubby will have an OPINION, and every right to give it. Free speech. Free country. But as I said, not his mom, not his assisted living facility, and not his home. This isn't about your husband until he is the one, or you are, with the drinking problem. This is about Mom and about her safety and her health. And as I said, watch the hand sanitizer. Some of it is methanol based and can cause blindness. Rare, but possible. I am no tea-tottler, but this may be something where the Assisted Living rations out a nightly cocktail for more.

I was also asked to lug boxes of Depends over as a regular thing. Nope. Get 'em delivered I said.

So you could take the Depends THIS time, as a one off, but state we'll get these delivered from now on.

When she asks about the booze, laugh & say "oh I thought you were JOKING about all that!!". If she kicks up, add "if YOU want all that, that's YOUR business, not mine".

OOOHHH and the FUN that alcohol and medications have together!!! WHOOPEE!! WE are either bouncing off the walls or so sedated that we sleep on the floor. What fun!! 😃 🍺 💊 

You have received some excellent advice. Talk to the DON before you deliver your Mom's "groceries" and tell her about your Mom's request for alcohol and that she is (supposedly) getting wine delivered from a local liquor store.

Peace--what peace?!? Let your Mom have a complete meltdown. She isn't living with you. Tell the AL what to expect since you won't be shopping for your Mom any more. Let the AL take care of your Mom-that's what they are there for. Quit letting her run your life. You have plenty of your own problems and issues right now. Take care of YOU!

No need to tell your husband about your Mom's problems. He needs to focus on you and support you through your cancer and upcoming surgery. {{{HUGS}}}

I see the irony that I am reading your post as I sip a glass of wine, but my response is I do not buy booze.

My eldest's Dad is an alcoholic. My Granny was an alcoholic. My ex started drinking heavily before the end of our marriage. I flat out refuse to buy alcohol for those who cannot handle it. I do participate in their drama. Walk away.

You set your boundaries and stick to them. Mum I will not purchase alcohol for you. Then walk away if she acts up. You are not responsible for her acting up, that is 100% on her.

Heck, if she gets wine delivered from the liquor store, then she knows where to get it herself.

You need not participate in her self-destruction, nor do you need to feel any guilt or stress about it. Tell her you're done enabling her addiction, and if she loses her temper, smile, say "have a nice day," and leave.

Remind us, Xray, before your surgery so we can send in an army of good thoughts and prayers for you.

Instead of buying her a bottle, buy a bottle for you! You’ve earned it.

Just wondering...how many caregivers become alcoholics?

I’m just being a smarty pants. Hope you realize that. 😊

Sorry you are dealing with this situation.

Just an update!
Had the window visit with Mom this morning.
As promised, I took her her requested Depends and her beer.
I did not take the Vodka!
I told her in the future I will not bring alcohol period!!
She was very upset!!
Not sure why?? She had been getting it delivered!!
I told her that if I didn't care. I wouldn't bat an eye at her alcohol abuse! And as one of you stated, I told her I refuse to be the bullet!!
This is especially poignant as my brother took his own life via gun shot to the head well after her detox stint!
It fell on deaf ears!!
She cried that it's the only thing she has!!
I feel good that I went to visit!
I think that's about all I can ask for!!
Thank you all for the great advice!!