My FIL went in to hospital about a month ago is finally home. We knew he would be basically bed bound when he got home, husband works full time, we have a 1 year old, and a teenager. We asked her to line up private care and she won’t. She is saying she can’t afford it, but she’s a multi millionaire owns several homes and they’re all payed off. She just built a huge house by a river for us all to vacation in the summers, She is living there full time with FIL. She expects us to come live there with her and care for him with her. She says FIL will only listen to his son and no one else. My husband has been sleeping there but I think it’s hard on my teenager and I’m trying to make life normal for her.
She gets some assistance from nurses for a few hours a week but I feel she needs more. He fell yesterday, and she is threatening not to feed him or change him if he doesn’t get up or do what she wants. He is embarrassed for me to change his diaper and doesn’t want me to see. She said she doesn’t want to pay someone to just sit with him, and she doesn’t need help. She told us that if we don’t come help he’ll just have to live in bed all day.
We love him very much, and we want to spend time visiting with him. Caring for him is stressful for him and us and I know she can afford the help. A few years ago she spent upwards of 15,000 doing quack holistic cancer therapy for him and hired two people to help me make juice and give him enemas around the clock. Now she won’t hire anyone when he really needs it. I’m so frustrated I want to keep boundaries and hold our ground so she’ll hire help but I’m afraid he’ll get hurt or suffer in the meantime. She keeps playing manipulative games saying she’ll hire someone, but then saying she’s afraid they’ll steal or she only wants someone 2 hours a day, and to do very specific things. She asked me to help her find a WiFi camera so she can leave the house and watch him while she’s out. We told her she can not leave him alone. I know it will kill her to stay with him and she’ll eventually get burned out and hire someone, but I’m afraid she’ll cause so much drama and punish us all in the meantime. Just need to vent thanks guys.
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I don’t do threats well, you are so much kinder then me.
I would tell her she has 1 weeks to hire an agency or you will be calling adult protected services, they will remove him from the home and force her to liquidate half their assets.
I would also ask her which house she likes the best because that will be the only one she is allowed to keep.
that’s neglect and abuse. I might also take her to court over it to get control over his care. Since she really don’t want the responsibility anymore.
there I vented back !!!! 🤪
A social worker can help too to guide you what to do.
I know how it feels when someone has me take care of them instead of using their money for help.
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The bottom line is that FIL needs and deserves more care than he is getting. He has the funds to pay for good care and is being blocked by his wife who holds POA for him. That is abuse, plain and simple.
Has she consulted with a certified elder are attorney about the optimal strategy to preserve her funds while paying for his care?
As to her creating drama, so what?
Is that how she manipulates you all to get her way? If in person, walk away. On the phone, hang up. Resolve not to give in to her tantrums.
If she threatens you or her husband, call 911.
Maybe your husband should file for guardianship. Dads money can be used for this and lawyers fees would be paid when husband is able to get control. A lawyer could make this easy and maybe help in setting up some kind of trust for Dads care. Your FIL is entitled to his part of the marital estate.
They won't take him back to rehab. The State COULD step in and take guardianship. And take half their assets for his care in a nursing home, if that is the level of care he needs.
Is MIL dealing with cognitive or mental health issues? She really needs to see an Elder Care attorney to determine the best course of action.
If it's determined that MIL is being abusive, FIL can and should be removed from her 'care'.
You need to be a little aggressive to get them to follow through.
Sounds like MIL is trying to save as much $$ as she can for her own inheritance.