How do I take take over my father's finances? He's on a limited income and has a gambling problem.

First thing is to talk to an eldercare attorney and get a Power of Attorney and control over all of his finances. And I would sit him down and tell him that if he continue this, he is on his own. NO HELP OF ANY KIND WHATSOEVER WILL EVER COME AGAIN FROM ANYONE. Let him know he will be fully responsible for all of his own care and will be on his own. If that does not work, then be prepared to walk. Sometimes that is the ONLY solution. Good luck.

I watched my father struggle with my mothers gambling addiction. She didn’t even start gambling until she was in her 70’s. She didn’t start hoarding until she was in her mid 70’s when my father died.

I was married and out of the house when he told me my mothers addiction was out of control. He took her name off all charge cards and took her name off the checking and savings account. She got sneaky. She took the back of the checks to cash money so he wouldn’t find out until he got the bank statement.

Two years before he died he was sick in the hospital. She went to the bank when he was in the hospital to take out money. They said the account was flagged and couldn’t give it to her. She turned on the charm.

She told them we have been married for 50 years and she told them her husband was a senior Vice President if the bank and she was his wife and there must be some mistake.

The bank gave my mother money out of my fathers account.

He put everything back in her name when he only had 6 months to live.

Addiction is H*LL.

Yes, addiction is addiction. My mother is a hoarder and a gambling addict. She won’t throw anything out and said she is going to die at home. She isn’t going into any nursing home she says. She is competent and 96 years old and makes bad decisions. She thinks her house is beautiful and she doesn’t see a problem with her gambling.

Live your life and let it go. Stop enabling him.

Addiction is addiction. My mother was a hoarder and would buy, for example, five identical clocks because they were on clearance because "they were a good deal," even though there was not a single cranny to keep them in. She died in her hoard. You cannot fix someone who will not admit they have a problem.

Talk to an elder care attorney if you can to find out if his spending money like this will affect his "look back" if he needs state aid for a nursing home eventually. But if you cut him off from a checking account, he may get high-interest credit cards and use them to get cash back or use to buy scratchers at the liquor store. As others have said, maybe just try to keep the amount of money he needs pulled out from the basic income so that he has food and funds for taxes and insurance on the house. But you really can't stop him from wasting his money or running up debt. It's a terrible, broken mindset.

"My fear is that once I confront him about his scratch off purchases, he'll not only be upset but he'll become more secretive about his purchases. In all likelihood, he'll open another checking account."
* Yes, he will be upset. What is your fear when this happens? My sense is that you need to face your fear(s) of your dad, and these feelings could go way way back into your childhood.
* If you cease the behavior that allow him to do what is not in his best interest, i.e., buying scratchers, he won't do it.
- he will either face himself and his behavior (and the effects it has on him and his family);
- he will continue and you will have to set your own boundaries and let him fend for himself and the consequences of his behavior;
- you will need to take legal action, if possible, if that is necessary to manage / maintain a roof over his head.
* Do deal with your fears and be open to all scenarios that may occur. He WILL be upset. What addict isn't when their drug is taken away?
* Do you believe you are an enabler ? a co-dependent (supporting him in ways that keep him on this treadmill of gambling)?
* If you do, how and what can you do about it?
* If you don't believe you are an enabler, why do you not believe it?
* Realize you have the right to a quality life yourself and be aware of what you can and can't do and what you are willing and not willing to do. It may be very painful to interrupt patterns over decades.
These changes are not easy at all.
Be prepared. See a therapist if you need to. Somehow your dad needs to learn that there are consequences to his behavior. As long as you contribute to his current gambling addictive behavior, he has no incentive to change. It is tough love. Gena.

If your father is competent, don’t treat him like a child. That’s what my 96 year old tells me if I mention her gambling. She yells “Don’t treat me like a child.” So I don’t. Her life, her choice. Any 12 step program will tell you that. Leave them alone. Mind your own business. Worry about your own life, not someone else’s IF THEY ARE COMPETENT.

A therapist will tell you the same thing. Stay out of it and don’t enable.

you seem like a nice guy man but you can't enable people if that means not giving him money for groceries so be it there are other ways to get groceries without using money I use EBT so I don't have to use my money from my college for example there are gift cards there are meals on wheels there are different ways for him to get what he needs to survive without him getting money don't enable people because in the end you're allowing them to destroy themselves and destroying your finances in the process the only way for people to understand that their addiction is destroying them is for them to hit rock bottom it hurts to watch a person hit rock bottom but it's the only way don't be an idealist because reality is cruel mistress who will slap you in the face

Dear David,

Watch out that he doesn't discover online gambling! He can feed his gambling problem in the luxury of his own home if he does and go bankrupt in a heartbeat.

Sorry, charK60

Imho, even if "you take over his finances?", he still will find a way to continue in his gambling addiction. The brutal and hard-to-hear truth is that he will require help to kick this crutch. There are many organizations out there, church and otherwise that can help, BUT he must want to change/correct this stubborn habit. "Scratch off tickets" are a ruse to get rich that typically do not work. But the user is almost certain that, with just one more ticket, they will be wealthy. The cycle is hard to break, but it can be done. Prayers sent. Good luck.

Unless your father has dementia, there is nothing you can do. My mother gambled all her money away and now goes to the grocery store and sits there all day playing scratch off tickets. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. If Dad is competent, he is free to make horrible choices.

You can try telling your father to go to gamblers anonymous. If he won’t go you can call gamble anon for someone whose loved one has a gambling addiction.

If you go to gamble anon, they teach you to stay out of it. They don’t teach you how to keep a loved one from gambling. They teach you to NOT enable someone. It’s a 12 step program.

I don't know if anyone mentioned this or not, but you would benefit from contacting Gambler's Anonymous, 1-800-522-4700. They might have a support group for children of gamblers.

When you pay for his things you are 'enabling' his addiction. Gambling money you don't really have is the same as drug use - they use the money for drugs instead of things they need. It may also slap him and you in the face down the road if he had to be put in nursing home facility - it may count against him to where someone has to pay for his care for a certain period of time.

It's time to show your dad how much he has coming in and how much he spent on gambling. He may not realize how much he is spending each month. Also create a budget sheet so he knows how much he needs to save each month to pay end of the year expenses like house ins and taxes and a little extra for emergency repairs- you might create an 'escrow' savings account so that he knows X number of dollars needs to go in that account each month so the money is there.

Since his money comes in once a month now, you pay all the bills in one sitting. Move some money to the escrow account so it's separate. The balance left over is gas money and groceries. After that - he would have a clearer picture of what he can throw away on casino and scratch off. If he is still together mentally, there's probably not much you can do if he chooses to maintain his own finances, but you can stop contributing to the cause so he has to use his own funds to buy things you pay for.

Just wondering if you have done a budget with him?

Making him list everything that he has to pay, including home insurance and property taxes might make him understand that he needs to gamble less money away.

I would not support him financially with one penny. He needs to feel the consequences if he spends his money on desire and not need. You actually enable his gambling when you pay for other things.

I would make sure there is a durable power of attorney in place, then make sure you have no financial connections with him. Such as shared mortgage or loans which may affect your credit when he crashes.

Start to work on setting up some healthy boundaries with him, as another poster suggested instead of giving him cash, give him gift cards for gas or groceries.

This is not going to be an easy time, and it may get worse before it gets better. You need to start looking for support groups for yourself to help you learn how to set up boundaries and to cope with the emotional baggage.

Is your father mentally competent or does he have cognitive decline? If the latter, is there a Powers Of Attorney (POA) for financial and medical care with the children? If he does not have POAs in place, please make appointment with lawyer to get those as well as will and advanced directive.

If he is mentally competent, maybe have a discussion about reviewing his finances so you know how to handle them if/when he does need your help. Reviewing the amounts he spends on different items may alert him to a problem with gambling. If he is happy with how he uses his money and all his needs are met - then butt out. That would also include not paying for his groceries or minor home repairs. Giving him money or items in lieu of money is enabling a financial problem.

If he is showing signs of cognition problems - decision-making, difficulty with math, short-term memory loss, losing the ability to handle current technology - please have his doctor evaluate him for dementia. If he is deemed mentally incompetent, then he will need assistance with his finances and can use that POA.

I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in. You might seek out an elder attorney, or the public fiduciary office for your county. You may have grounds to petition the court for conservatorship. But it is important to realize this is a very big step, and not easy. It will also likely damage the relationship between you all and your father. So though it may be an option, it would best be pursued with lots of good advice, both legal advice and perhaps from a family therapist. You are in an awful position, and one thing I've learned as my parents have aged is the importance of picking my battles.sending you warm thoughts for peace and strength.

Dont say anything to him. He'll realize it when he runs out of money.

At some point, you and yiur Dad can talk about cost of living and go over his total income coming in and what his total bills are monthly for food, utilities and saving up to pay his Taxes on the house.

There should also be a place for Savings.

He should save a little every month for things like tires for his car or a small home repair.

Let him live within his means.

Dont ever give gifts of money, just gift for a Restaurant or Walmart where he can buy groceries.

Remember to write down his Income Verses his Spending on bills, that way, written down, he'll have a better idea of what comes in and what goes out.

Maybe then, he'll realize that he needs to limit buying a scratch card to one a week.

But if he uses his grocery money on scratch cards then you buy his groceries, then he'll learn nothing.

David,
You and your sister are no doubt a good son and daughter.

You may be part of the problem by enabling your Dad.
"We prefer to assist him by buying groceries and covering the cost for minor household repairs."

Allow him to buy his own groceries. imo.

Take him out to eat with you, spending time with him.

It is interesting how some people treat money as if it is monopoly money and life is a game to them.

They somehow lose touch with reality. It’s terribly sad, isn’t it?

My parents were from the depression era also. My mother was always very frugal and never spent more then she could afford. My father, on the other hand, when he got older started giving money away like there was no tomorrow. It's hard to keep an eye on their spending, and I imagine even harder with gambling.

I agree with others that unless he has dementia there is nothing you can do.

Do you think he is lonely and bored? Maybe helping him find other things to occupy his mind and time would help.

So many people start gambling as recreation and it turns into a serious habit.

I have a friend that told me her husband mortgaged a house to gamble with. His games were blackjack and poker. Sometimes he would play slots with his wife. He was a Vietnam Vet and got a settlement from the army for his medical conditions. He blew it all at the casinos. He had PTSD and I think he self medicated with gambling. Same as people who have underlying issues like depression or bipolar. They use gambling to escape their pain.

It is insane to me to mortgage a house like he did. They lost the home and were forced to rent an apartment.

She gambled too but not that much. She did it for fun. She bet the minimum. He went for broke! He lived by the mentality of ‘Go big or go home!’

He died and she still gambles even during COVID. I think she does it out of boredom and loneliness. It’s very sad.

She will tell me that if she sees someone loosing she gives them money. I told her to be careful because people will take advantage of her.

I don’t have a moral issue with gambling as recreation but when it becomes destructive it is time to seek help.

Some addicts have to hit the bottom before stopping. I wouldn’t give any cash to your dad either but if you are paying other bills than he doesn’t have any motivation to stop.

Is there a gambler’s anonymous in your area? If not there are online self help sites. Does he use a computer? You can go to the meetings that are held for family members. I realize that isn’t a solution but at least you can express your concerns to people who are in the same situation as you are.

Best of luck to you in your attempt to salvage his financial situation. I am sure it is heartbreaking to see him go down this destructive path.

Some people have a combination of issues, gambling, drinking/drugs and smoking at the same time.

My mom has Parkinson’s disease and gambling is listed on certain meds as a possible side effect. Not everyone experiences those side effects but some people do.

My mom never experienced that and has never gambled, drank or smoked a cigarette a day in her life. Just not her thing, she never even attended a bingo game. She was so frugal all of her life. I suppose that came from surviving the depression era.

I’m sorry to say if your father does not have dementia, there is nothing you can do. It’s like trying to get a drug addict to stop taking drugs. It’s like trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. You can’t! They have to hit bottom and want the help.

My mother is 96 years old and literally gambled ALL of my fathers retirement money. She spent cut when he was alive and then spent the rest when he died in 1998. He was a senior Vice President of a bank and saved a lot of money. She gambled hundreds of thousands of dollars away. Now she looks like a homeless person still living by herself in the house I grew up in.

It is a sad situation and I wish I had better news for you. But unfortunately, if your dad is competent, he is free to gamble ALL his money away. It’s sickening, I know. But you have to let this one go. You can’t change him. I’m sorry you are going through this. Hugs 🤗 to you.

All you can do is talk to him. If he doesn't have a dementia diagnosis or can't be declared incompetent because of a mental problem, he is to allowed spend or gamble his money away.

With you and your sisters paying for his groceries and home repairs, he has no motivation whatsoever to stop spending so much money on those tickets. If he is truly addicted to gambling, he probably needs to be allowed to get into a financial pickle, and it would be easier to force help for him.

My mom was a train wreck waiting to happen with shopping. It wasn't expensive stuff and she could afford it, but it was ridiculous junk. Yet she refused to hire in-home help while slowly deteriorating, saying she "didn't have the money for help". She absolutely did. Eventually she fell enough times to do serious damage, and long story short, now she lives in a nursing home. It's hard watching your parents become a train wreck, but a lot of times that's all you can do. They also have a tendency to pull you down in the process.

Hi David
Over the years we have had others like yourself who have parents with gambling problems. Go to the search area and enter gambling to see what they have tried.
Any addiction can have peeks and valleys but generally progressively gets worse unless some sort of intervention occurs.
That intervention can be a health issue, a move, a “come to Jesus”, a financial crisis. Life, in other words, happens and when it does is the perfect time to make changes. Like the pandemic and the casinos closing caused him to have to seek his fix in another way. Is it worse now than it was before? Maybe that’s hard to know. Of course, all those trips to buy the tickets isn’t a good thing with a virus seeking hosts and old ones being especially vulnerable.
I have a friend whose sister has a lottery ticket addiction. She lost her husband and almost lost her home. My friend went to see her to find out what was going on. They hadn’t seen each other in years. Her sister was practically a recluse. Friend found stacks of losing lottery tickets and many more problems. She wanted to help her sister but wasn’t about to give her money for tickets. She finally settled on paying her sister’s mortgage with all the legal steps in place to recover her investment should the sister sell. The mortgage company notifies her of any issues. Of course her sister is fully aware that friend has access. Friend required it before she would help.
Her requirement was sister has to exercise daily and has to go to therapy weekly. She also can check her sisters bank account and see that her sister is fairly consistent on her expenditures. It’s at least three years now. She suspects that her sister still gambles but her budget is pretty tight. Friend went through a lot of angst on how to help without enabling. They looked at alternative housing and where sister is happens to be a perfect place for a Senior. She just can’t afford to pay her mortgage. Mortgaged her home more than once to continue gambling.
The sister from time to time wants to sell and rent an apartment in a less expensive local. My friend is afraid if she does that, she will gamble away any profit in a short amount of time.
So her situation is different from yours but you can see what I’m suggesting. Each time you are asked for help, be ready to tighten the reigns. Consult with your sisters so that you are all on the same page as to modifying his actions and your collective reaction.
Learn all you can about addiction.
Rather than give him money, the three of you should take turns going for a visit that lasts at least one or two nights. You will get a pretty good idea of what his diet is, his hygiene etc. You’ll see if bills are stacked up.
Do you know if he has mortgaged his home or quit paying his taxes or is driving around on bald tires? Perhaps he spent his stimulus check on scratch offs and it’s a deal where he will stop once that extra cash is gone? Perhaps you think that’s wishful thinking. Make sure you visit the rental property too. What happens when it needs a roof? Has he kept the insurance up, the taxes paid? He’s getting the extra money from somewhere.
So do find out what the real situation is.
If he asks for money, don’t give it to him without asking for something in return.
Close any gaps with the sisters so he isn’t asking you for new tires and then asking sisters for new tires and still no new tires.
He has the right to waste every dime but you also have the right to not participate and not enable.

I know it is difficult to reverse roles with your father. He probably would feel relieved on some level to not be wasting his money but is simply unable to control his actions. It appears he lost a lot of stability when he lost your mom.

I think you are right about not confronting him. Stand beside him with this issue, not across from him.

Here is a link that offers a 1-800#.
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help

Let us know how things are going. We learn from one another.

Might be a long shot, but you might try convincing him to stock up not only for winter but as a protection against the pandemic which could continue through next year.    Tell him you're worried about his going out into public places and becoming infected.

If you can at least keep him home more often, you or your sisters can visit and take care of the bills while there, making it a treat, going out to lunch or dinner, relaxing and renewing your family bonds.    The idea is to create a situation by which he looks forward to your visits, then subtly sneak in the financial chores and integrate them with more pleasurable activities.

If your father is not diagnosed with dementia there will be no way to take over his finances. He is free, unfortunately, to flush his money right on down the toilet if he insists on doing so.

Have you spoken to his doctor about this issue? Gambling addiction can be a side effect of certain meds, believe it or not.

Unless you have power of attorney for health care, the doctor can't talk to YOU about this issue, but you and your sisters can certainly inform the doctor.

Is he reporting his gambling losses on his taxes? They are deductible.

I wouldn't be supporting him financially if he is gambling away his food money.