My brother has been living with my mother for 3 years. He burned out and is moving to another state. I will be moving her into assisted living in less than a month and will part time live with her.
He has taken very good care of all her physical needs, except he doesn't talk to her. They don't even eat together. He is a little on the Asperger-y' side. He has a lot of anger towards her because she was suspicious of him. She had this fantasy that he got the house sale check and hid it from her. We explained it's not true, but lately he occasionally really yells at her and even tells her her "mind is messed up". It borders on abusive. She doesn't understand. She's got some type of dementia coming on. She can take good care of herself but is a little paranoid sometimes and tends to blame him.
Should I talk to him about this and risk things getting worse by him getting angry at me too? And if I mention it, how would I do it? Would I say I think you're angry with her because she is suspicious of you and you're taking it out on her? He is very prickly and I am often afraid to get him angry too.
Thanks for any advice.
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Wishing you the best of luck!
She could thank him for doing a tough job and then move forward with her mom.
Caregiving is hard no matter what route is taken. Why do we have to grow old? Why can’t we hit our peak age and just stay there until we die? LOL
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It's actually independent living. On the campus they have 3 different levels. This is the first one.
I am going to live with her part time because I don't want her to be lonely and to partly make up for the battering her self esteem took from my brother.
There's a second bedroom. Since her memory is going they are happy about that and will allow it.
Trust me, she will remember.
Please give him a break since he is the one living with her. It is extremely frustrating and exhausting living with an elderly parent.
Surely you must realize this is no day at the beach for him. Would you have wanted to trade places with him? Just take a moment to pause and think about that.
It’s easy to criticize others that are the ones spending the most time and energy with your mom from a distance. You are not there every minute. Don’t you think your mom is wearing on his nerves sometimes? Too much togetherness is a nightmare for all of us.
You are looking at this from your mom’s point of view and I understand that. You want her to be treated fairly and with kindness.
Extended stress can bring out the worst in anyone. People aren’t perfect. Do you ever remember being completely perfect in your life? I bet that you don’t because no one is, absolutely no one.
If he is already struggling with not being able to emotionally bond with others as you say, that is only going to make it tougher for him. All that I am trying to point out is that he is burning out after three long years.
So you are making the right choice by considering assisted living. Your brother and mother will thank you for it and you can reduce your anxiety too.
I am not trying to disregard your mom or you. I refuse to push your brother’s frustration aside because I have been where he is.
I had my mom living with me for 15 super long years and it is life changing.
By the way, it makes no difference if they live with us or an adult child moves into their home. They are still roommates, 24/7. It’s too much after awhile.
Does your brother get a break from being with her? He should have breaks. Even then, it’s the toughest job in the world. Ask any full time caregiver this and you will hear the same.
Best wishes for your family.
Actually I am relieved that no one here has said I should talk to him. I would much rather not. I just felt like I SHOULD. I felt guilty for not sticking up for her.
I would go there on weekends to give him a break. He has part time work so he gets breaks there too. And he probably IS angry at her for her thinking she can't trust him. That would hurt me too.
I took care of both my parents (not living with them though) for the previous 10 years. I only lived with them while my dad was dying at home with hospice.
Thank you for your thoughts. Very helpful. And very sensitively put.