Do we always have to be obligated and forced to take on the responsibilities of our parents?

Blair, why is it so important that we agree with you? Because that doesn't change the situation, does it?

We read on this forum how people waste many, many years of their lives in caregiving situations that never should have happened. You're already more than 5 years into a relationship that appears to be going nowhere. So, even though you're only 25, don't you think it's time to move on?

You're not going to be able to convince your fiance to do things differently. Have you made any headway so far?

Are you all originally from someplace other than the US? In many countries, children are responsible for maintaining their parents in their old age, because otherwise, they would be without support.

With the passage of the Social Security Act (1932) and Medicare (1965) the US government released children from being their parents' retirement plan. People are told to plan for their OWN retirements and not to rely on their children's salaries for their old age.

Does your friend hold this view, or is he locked into some old world point of view?

In some cultures, daughters in law are seen as being beholden to their in laws for support. You really need to clarify how your friend views his obligation to his mother.

The fact that he can't say "no mom, I can no longer support you" tells me that something is terribly amiss here. It sounds as though she has long standing entrenched mental illness.

Sure I agree with you. But it doesn't make a difference who agrees with you because you don't need justification to feel annoyed with what's going on. It's your fiance's responsibility to decide how he wants to live HIS life, however. As an indentured servant to his mother, or, as a husband to YOU. He can't have both.

Whether his mother 'wants to let him go' or not isn't the issue; the issue is, does HE want to let go of HER?

Five years is a long time to be a girlfriend or even a fiancee. If you do marry this man (in your last post I called him your 'husband' b/c I thought you were already married, my mistake), you will have a controlling, manipulative, and selfish mother in law to deal with for LIFE. How will HE choose to deal with her moving forward is the really big question here.

I married a man in 1980 who's mother hated me. The problem wasn't that she hated me, but that HE allowed her crappy behavior towards me. That made me lose respect for HIM and sort of set the marriage up for failure. I was young then, I'm old now...........so hindsight is always 20:20. But I will tell you this: I would never (again marry such a man) and should never have married him knowing that he was unwilling to stand UP for me and tell his mother to stand DOWN. Divorce was the eventual outcome of that doomed relationship.

That's my two cents. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

This is a cruel sick minded person. A Narcissist. What your BF may be obligated to do is make sure she is cared for. He doesn't need to do the caring.

If he is 28 then she can't be much more than 60. If her health problems are chronic she maybe able to get SS disability if she isn't getting it already. That usually comes with Medicare and Medicaid. So all her hospital bills should be paid. There is more help she is entitled to but your BF needs to want to get the help for her. He can go to Social Services to see what is available to her. He needs to tell her she needs to do this herself. That he wants to live a life of his own. He is not her husband. I personally would not want a man who can't stick up for himself. And I would think first before getting involved with a woman like this. I would help him find resources for her. I would make him aware that I no longer will be waiting by the phone. When he gets it all together, gets his life on trrack and Mom fairly independent, then call you.

You are 25 years old? Please don’t waste any more time in your life feeling like this! You should be having fun, and people should be supportive of your marriage and wedding plans. This should be one of the best times of your life. If you were my daughter I know I would ask her to rethink the situation. Do you want to dread every holiday or family event?

You have a fiance problem, not a MIL problem. She can expect her son to provide the moon and the stars but that doesn't mean he has to. He is an adult. He should be man enough not to be guilted into doing things he doesn't want to. Not his problem mom did not plan for the future. Stop giving her money. Stop listening to her tales of woe. It is time she learned to stand on her own two feet. What would she do if her son was no longer around? I'd give him three more months to extract himself from this situation....if not you need to leave.

Blair, YOUR PARTNER’S GUILT is what he is choosing to impose upon HIMSELF, and his to deal with.

If he is willing to continue in the life style in which he is living at present, you will be assuming the role of “second wife”, and at some point you will become the enemy.

Tough to hear, I know, but the fact.

Your fiancé’s mother can say whatever she wants, put whatever expectations she pleases upon her son, that’s her choice. However, he’s a fully grown adult, free to make his own choices and decisions with what to do with his time, money, and emotional investments. So far, he’s choosing her.

No parent is EVER entitled to make such a statement to a child. I had the luxury of being able to take care of several relatives because I LOVED THEM, and wanted them to have the best, safest care I could get for them.

Evoking the voice of a deceased spouse doesn’t make this right, it makes it worse.

We have already told our children that we expect them NOT to take care of us, because they have wonderful families of their own. DH and I have the tools to take care of ourselves, and eventually be cared for without imposing that burden on our children.

It's my belief that a child is responsible for making sure their older parents are safe, have food, and a roof over their heads. That said, it is not the responsibility of the child to pay for all those things if they aren't within their means. The adult child's job is to help their parent find resources to help them.

I agree with the others that you're wasting your time in this relationship. Starting a marriage is hard enough (and it is hard), but frankly, starting with this kind of stuff going on, I doubt this marriage will be a long-term thing. Marriage is a lot more than a pretty dress and a big party. If you actually believe in your vows, your boyfriend's mother is part of the package and you'll be agreeing to take her on with him.