Mom says NO to care for Dad. What can I do to get Dad the care he needs and keep my Mom safe?

Possible REM Sleep Disorder. Talk to his doctor, preferably neurologist, about medication to treat it. Is his dementia related to Parkinson's?

I saw this with my grandparents. When Grandma broke a hip and had to go to rehab we discovered how she had been hiding Grandpa' s mental decline. He couldn’t cope without her and died within a few months. Grandma lived 5 happy years after his death not having to worry about him.

My Mom wanted to continue to share a bed even after her hip replacement and her complaining that Dad kept kicking her at night. When he had a stroke and needed a hospital bed she still wanted to believe he would be able to move back with her one day.

Its so hard to make big changes when you are at that age, consider what they are giving up. Consider ways to make the changes in small steps.

If your mom is in denial then you will probably have to seek guardianship of your dad so that you can place him in memory care. Or as much as I hate to say this but....you & your siblings will have to wait for something bad to happen. Wait for an emergency. And then use it to get your dad placed in memory care. But the first thing I would here, if you haven’t already, is gather the siblings (and if your mother is religious, then perhaps include the minister, priest, rabbi, etc) and have a come to Jesus talk. Try to stage an intervention

Do you know if your parents talked about their wishes before his decline? It’s possible that your father made her promise not to move him to a nursing home. In this case, if you think it is best for him to be in a memory care place, you might try taking your mom for tours to the nearby ones. Once she sees the residences from the inside and talks with others, she might be more inclined to consider it. Obviously, take her to the best ones first.

Also, help her to see how their relationship could continue even if he’s in memory care. Could she visit every evening for dinner? Do they have continuing care options so she could live on the grounds in regular housing and make friends with the other ladies who are in similar situations? She might actually enjoy the friends and events, in addition to getting help with her husband’s care.

Can you leave your father at all? Take mum out shopping, sit for coffee and talk? Perhaps start with less dramatic changes, not putting him in memory care. How old is their bed? Too old? Why don’t they get new twin singles? Easier to make the bed, easier with incontinence, and less disturbance in the night. No need to mention that he won’t hit or or kick her out of bed. Find if there is anything else she is frightened of, and think of ways around it.

Once your mother starts making small changes, it may help her to see that things change, it doesn’t all have to stay the same. And look up Sundowning for suggestions about that. Click on ‘Care Topics’ on the top right hand side of the screen, an alphabetic list comes up, scroll down to S for Sundowners’ Syndrome, and you’ll find articles, questions and discussions that may give you some ideas. Perhaps your mother might like to follow up some research too. You say that she is sharp as a tack, and it may help her not to feel so alone.

Good Luck and love, Margaret

When you speak with her alone, when your father is NOT around, what does your Mom tell you? Does she says that she is keeping him home because she can still handle this, and wants to do this out of love? Or does she indicate that she is fearful of your Dad? The answer makes all the difference. I am 78. I COULD handle this still for someone I love, especially with a bit of support, and at least for a while, even if it meant separate beds. But this would have to be someone I loved very much. Fear would not be the decider.
So I think mostly you need to decide what it is your Mom really wants, by talking to her. You really have no choice but to follow her wishes. You have at least broached the subject, which is really a good thing. Will get her thinking. Just be certain not to push it so hard that it forces her to "push back" instead of really thinking about how you may be right.