How do I drag my 89 yr old mom into the 21st century? It’s like trying to move a piece of furniture that’s been nailed to the floor.

KFinn, your answers to our answers show you such a willing spirit. Hope you stick around and help others on Forum!
You say Mom has always had a tendency to complain, and you don't want to confront her disrespectfully.
Try it then with respect. Once my head nurse gave me the "We have to talk talk."
She told me that I was such a strong personality and good worker that I was respected by all and I was looked to as a leader and blah blah and blah. THEN SHE LOWERED THE BOOM and said "I can't have you coming in daily and starting to complain (about staffing and about how we can't do it with this staffing)." She told me that when this happened everyone followed me like so many lemmings off the cliff. She told me she recognized that my worry was for being able to care for my patients with short staff but the reality I was forgetting was that I was always first done and helping others; my fears weren't realistic."
Basically you see what she did. She sat me down (Sit Mom down) and she praised me so much I couldn't see straight (Tell Mom she is such a strong personality that her words carry such weight on the whole day, blah blah), and then she told me what she was always wanting to say and that was "You cannot keep coming in negative! It hurts others" So you would praise Mom to the skies for how strong a personality she is, what a force in the world, and then beg her to consider the strength of her word on you, on the kids, on the household, on the entire day.
Could just work. I never forgot it and it was a long time before I considered what had happened to me. All I could remember then, and even to day was that I got told I was a strong leader and a great worker. When really I got told I was being a pain in the neck and had to stop! Hee hee. This one is out to parents everywhere as well. Bless Mary H's soul, what a teacher she was in this world.

I guess I was the a lucky one. My Mom realized she was having problems and asked for help. She always paid the bills. Dad had no idea how to do them. Her first problem was not being able to keep her bankbook up. She forgot how to ad and subtract. She never used a calculator until I got her one. Then it was write her checks because her handwriting was unreadable. I had her sign her signature. Eventually, I had POA, I just did it all. Funny thing though, she always reconciled her bank statement by using the form on the back. I didn't do that and just scribbled figures on the statement to get my answer. She saw it and told me I did it wrong.

Can you do automatic withdrawals? I had Mom on a budget for her gas bill. Then I knew exactly what was coming out of her acct every month.
At 89 if she has never used a computer, she isn't going to understand it now. Unless you are doing it for her.

My dad always said he didn’t know online but he knew clothesline! He wrote endless checks, thought debit cards and ATM’s were ripoffs, and never knew anything about a computer. After a few tries to teach him new ways, we decided to enjoy him the way he was. He often asked me to look something up “on that thing of yours” meaning my iPad. I hope you’ll make peace on this, life is short, and this isn’t the hill to make a stand on...

Let mom be. She shouldn't have to dragged any where she doesn't want to be. I read in some of your responses to others that she doesn't even know how to use a computer, so why would you then want her to pay her bills online? Don't you think that you sitting down with her and writing out her checks would be a much easier solution? Life is too short to be in a constant argument with your mom. She's not going to change any more than you are, so why don't you make peace with the situation, and try to enjoy what ever time you have left with her?
Sounds like perhaps you are experiencing caregiver burnout, and it might do you good to get out of the house more often and do some things that you enjoy. Bring someone in to stay with mom, if she can't be left by herself, and you go have some fun. You'd be amazed how that can change your perspective on things. Best wishes.

Stop trying to solve all the problems and just listen sympathetically. If she wants help, she'll ask.

Heck, my mom never even had a microwave because she was afraid it would "crash." No amount of explaining that it's not a computer would help.

It's not the end of the world to live without online banking -- or a microwave.

Thank you for your comments, I got a kick out of your reply - especially wondering if our moms know each other - haha!! It feels good to get a laugh going sometimes.
I really appreciate your good advice and think I’m going to try & convince my mom to meet me in the middle and let me write out her cks so she can sign them.
The thing is who knows how much time any of us have left on this earth, and I want to spend that time enjoying my family & my life - not discussing/arguing over the same exact things we discussed & argued over yesterday. At 89 I don’t expect much change from her , but it helps me tremendously to be able to bring this type of problem to a great Q&A format such as this. Take good care & stay well 😉
Regards,
Kathy Finn

If she is losing her vision I think encouraging online banking stands at least a slight chance of going wrong. At 78 I find that when things go wrong on computers they go VERY wrong! Would it be easier if you just took over some of the things? It sounds as though Mom does live with you? Are you also her POA? My bro at 85 ask me to be his POA and take over writing checks, handling bills and etc, managing his trust and so on. Had I not wished to do it he would have hired a fiduciary to do it at about 90.00 an hour (and cheap at THAT I think, as once it is all in place it only takes about an hour a month). That took a great deal of pressure off him. Until you are 89 (or in my case 78) you can't really imagine the limitations. I didn't get a little jitterbug until 2 years ago; I still haven't moved to the big girl phone. And I just got a kindle. We go slower and slower, and at 89 I doubt I will be moving any farther into this brave new Century at all.
As to the complaining? Is that all new?
As to the bickering? Is that new as well?
I could recommend a little bit more time apart. Is the home conducive to that. I find too much time too close to my much beloved partner can lead to a bit of heightening of the bicker meter. I sure wish you BOTH good luck. I got kind of tickled over your post a couple of times!

Oh boy, familiar story to many. The only place that my mom wanted to go after she got older was the doctor or ER! I honestly think that she felt like going to see the doctor was like an outing!

Most younger people don’t look forward to doctor appointments. They go, but don’t see it as an outing.

All of an elderly person’s friends have died. Many relatives are dead too. So the doctor is the longest relationship that is in their lives.

They aren’t interested in going to senior centers to meet other seniors (pre Covid). So it seems impossible to get them to budge.

I feel for you. Best wishes to you.

My 86 year old mother was criticizing an equally old friend, because he goes into the bank with his utility bills and pays them at the counter. My thought was why should he change now?

The formatting you were trying to use does not work on this site, it is easier to just write in plain text on the page. Otherwise it is challenging to read a post.

Do you have Financial POA over Mum? If you do it could make thigs easier, you just take over the bill paying.

Now as you live with your Mum and know when the bills are due, can you compromise? Can you put the bills in a pile, write out the cheques and have Mum sign them. Then you post them prior to the due date. Just add it to your regular routine. If you watch a show on Wednesday evenings, tell Mum that after dinner it is bill paying time, then you will watch the show together. If she balks at this, ask her what she sees as being the solution?

Actually another question, in your profile you mention that Dad died fairly recently. When he was alive who did the bills? Was it Mum's job or Dad's?

Well, you can;t really,, I should know as I have been dealing with this for my 90 YO mom,, do they know each other? Luckily before they moved in they did use autopay,, so she gets that. But it took MONTHS to get her understand the bank card.. "its just like a check but you don;t write it out!" I have POA and am on all her accounts, and as her handwriting is terrible now I just took over the bill paying. She does not understand Twitter ( although she is fascinated by it thanks to Trump) and FB either. I show her things on FB, but she also mixes it up with email. I tell her I dont tweet, so let that go! Luckily for us she lives with us, and only has 2 bills,, her other minor stuff like onstar for my/our car and her cc bills are on autopay still.