I'm caring for my MIL with dementia and I hate it. How do I not lash out?

This is disturbing to hear how you are tired of dealing with your mother in law. If you're so frustrated why don't you get homecare to hire extra help. Someday it may happen to you. I help care for my 79 yr old mom me and 2 of my sisters. Sometimes dealing with your loved ones can be tough when their fighting with this disease. There were days i wanted to give up because of the disrespectful names sometime come out. I hung in there and sit down and sometimes lay in the bed with my mother and hold her hand. It soothes her. So they need love and affection too. Try that and hang in there. Find a nurse to take a break sometimes. Take a bath to soft music with a glass of wine.

Make a plan. You and hubby talk to a social worker. Work on placing her in a memory care. sell her house. Also save up money for your own place.

Wish you all the best

I don't blame you for wanting to lash out, but don't pick the wrong target. Your MIL is 89 years old and she has dementia. You don't have to like her to recognise that none of how you're feeling is her fault.

[Yes I do know how it feels when you're convinced they're playing you up. But they're not, and she isn't. She's awake early on your days off a) perhaps because she's aware you're there and there's stuff going on in the house and b) because of Sod's Law, the most powerful force on the planet.]

Now then. Why are you asking a bunch of strangers about this instead of your husband, his mother's son?

Look carefully at this pair of sentences:

1. We can't put her in a home - we live in her house so we would lose a place to live.
2. We moved in with her 4 years ago because she couldn't take care of herself.

Now then. There is no reason why BOTH of those can't be true at the same time, but you do need to untangle them, look clearly at what's stopping you moving forward, and above all don't blame MIL for the trapped feeling.

What does DH have to say about the situation? Is he just not involving himself, and if so how is he getting away with that?

Why doesn't your H, her son, do anything for his mother? Why is it all on you?

You’re not garbage, you’re burned out and need to acknowledge that the living arrangements for all you need to change. This isn’t what anyone needs. Your MIL requires care that is beyond what you can do in her home. Your own mental and emotional health require you to live in a peaceful, stable home. Please change this bad dynamic for all concerned. MIL is exhibiting dementia behaviors she can’t help, her home should be sold to provide for her care. And you need to find a place to live without this stress

Does anyone have POA? You can have her placed in a NH with Medicaid if she has no assets and her monthy income is less than the Medicaid cap. In my state the cap is a little over 2300. Each state is different. If she has any assets, other than the house, these will need to be liquidated, this includes insurance policies that have cash value. Those assets need to be spent down to 2k, that also depends on the state. You can do that by privately paying for NH until the assets run out applying for Medicaid about 90 days before that happens. Since you have lived there 4 yrs, been her caretaker and husband is disabled, you probably will be allowed to stay in the home if you can prove you can keep it up and pay bills. Her SS and any pension will go towards her care in a NH with Medicaid paying their share.

If no assets other than the house, then you may want to see if you can get her in LTC on Medicaid. Make an appt with your Social Service dept to talk to a Medicaid caseworker on how it will all work in ur situation.

You moved in to take care of a woman with DEMENTIA and the behavior you're describing is typical a person suffering from dementia/ALZ. She shouldn't be left alone at all, ever, especially if she's leaving burners on in the kitchen! If you are going to leave her alone at home at ALL, ever, then other arrangements need to be made; ie: she needs to be moved into a Memory Care Assisted Living.

This shouldn't be about you and what you can or can't afford, but about her and the quality of care she is or isn't getting by living in her own home. You agreed to care for her, in exchange (I would imagine) for free rent, and now you 'can't afford' to feed her??

Your MILs home can be sold and the proceeds can be used to finance her stay in Memory Care. You are obviously burned out in the care giving department, which is fine, not everyone is cut out to be a care giver, me included........so recognize what needs to happen here and then go about making it happen! You are not 'garbage'.......you're just tired and worn out, so it's time to think about your next move. What's best for ALL concerned?

Good luck!