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Ashley3 Asked October 2020

Dad with dementia insists on driving and his girlfriend encourages it. How do I handle this situation?

l live at home with my father. He has progressive dementia. His Dr recently told him he should not drive but he insists that conversation never happened and continues to drive. Last weekend he couldn't remember the directions to go pick up his girlfriend so I had to drive his car for him. His girlfriend is no help at all. She let's him drive despite what the Dr said. She is only dating him for an inheritance (gold digger). She has not tried to stop him from driving at all. I am on here to find out how I can deal with my Dad's escalating situation with a girlfriend that is only trying to get in the way. Isn't it also her job to ensure his well being? She leaves everything up to me then when my dad gets angry with me for telling him the truth i.e. not to drive, she will use this to her advantage in her attempts to try and ruin me and my dad's relationship.

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lealonnie1 Oct 2020
What can you do? You can 'lose' the car keys. You can disable the car so that he can't start it, even with the keys. You can't stop him from having a gold digger for a girlfriend, but you CAN stop him from driving a large multi-ton piece of metal that will kill others if he gets into an accident with it. The g/f may fly the coop when he's no longer able to drive, too. That would be a bonus. Even if you were to get a solid gold letter from his doctor saying he is forbidden from driving, and even if the DMV were to take away his drivers license, that STILL may not stop him from actually driving if he sets his mind on doing so. Only YOU can stop him, if you set YOUR mind to it.

Good luck!
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rovana Oct 2020
If the doctor will sign a letter or some kind of statement that he is not safe to drive, your state DMV may be a place to start. But have you explained to him that if he were in an accident, his insurance company could take the attitude that his doctor told him not to drive so he should not have been on the road and therefore they would not cover the accident? I know this is a complicated issue but it might make him think about possible being wiped out financially.
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sjplegacy Oct 2020
This is a very dangerous situation and one that he will not accept as being dangerous. It sounds as though he still has much of his faculties and, if so, wouldn't be considered incompetent. I think your best bet is to call your state Bureau of Motor Vehicles to explain the situation and how you can remove his license. Some states have a form that requires the reason for the request and a doctor's OK.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
I find it interesting that drivers licenses are kept in my state for six years before renewing.

I think it would be a benefit to us all if after we reach a certain age that we have to renew it much sooner, perhaps one year, maybe even six month increments.
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worriedinCali Oct 2020
The girlfriend isn’t in charge of him so no...it’s not really her job to make him stop driving. She has no authority over him. He dr should have reported him to the DMV. Whoever has POA should try to get him declared incompetent or at least get something in writing so that his keys can be taken away & the car can be sold or stored somewhere where he won’t have access to it. At the same time though, the POA will need to figure out alternative methods of transportation for him.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2020
Even with a POA your Dad is not going to be controlled. First thing to do is get a letter from doctor, or ask the doctor to take your father's license and report him. Then at least there will be no license to drive.
It is looking like you may be looking at guardianship by yourself or the state coming soon.
As to the girlfriend? Nah. Not her job. And appears she may be busy trying to figure how to get his funds before it is too late.
Are there others in family? It is time for a family meeting if so. Who has medical POA and Financial POA? Anyone? Apparently the doctor shared this info with someone.
So sorry you are going through this. An uncooperative elder with dementia is an utter nightmare to deal with.
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pamzimmrrt Oct 2020
Do you have his POA? And if his Dr told him not to drive, you should be able to get that in writing. then make sure his GF has a copy.. and tell her she may be responsible if he has an accident.. since you "gave her a copy" I am all about simple fibs if they will work! If you get/have his POA.. mention to her that he "has no money" and its all tied up somewhere. like in a trust or the will is solid! And quit driving him to see her. Disable the car is a good idea, but let the garage he may call know he is not to drive.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Horrible situation. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

This is tough but what can you do? Sorry that I honestly don’t know what can be done. It’s heartbreaking to witness.

Best wishes to you and your dad. A lot of us have dealt with people who take advantage of others. It’s sickening.

Others will offer advice or opinions. Stick around.
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