Mom (89 with dementia) moved in with me after brother was almost charged with neglect. Should I use her money to pay the bills?

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Carol1931 Asked October 2020

Mom (89 with dementia) moved in with me after brother was almost charged with neglect. Should I use her money to pay the bills?

My brother moved in with our mother in 2012 when he had no other place to live. She developed Dementia in the last few years and she could no longer walk and is legally blind, but he wasn’t taking care of her. She was paying all his bills and he wasn’t working. She was very thin and malnourished and falling all the time the house was very dirty and nasty. He would leave her by herself a lot. I have POA and I moved her in with me after she was in the hospital then rehab center. I quit my job to take of her a year and 1/2 ago . I have one other brother that never calls or anything. I pay all her bills and the bills down at her house that my brother still lives in rent free and utilities free. She told me since I had to quit my job to take care of her full time in my home with no income until next year, to use her money to buy groceries etc. I can get social security for myself since I will be 66 next year. I feel I should get something for taking care of her. She can’t do anything for herself anymore. I have a hospital bed in my home, I transfer her from the bed to wheel chair by myself, which isn’t easy at my age of 65. My oldest brother, which never calls, doesn’t see it that way; he thinks I shouldn’t spend her money for bills here. Shouldn’t I be compensated for giving up my job and income to step up to keep her from going into a nursing home? What happens if my health starts to fall?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Paying for Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

With her physical state and mental state....I’d wonder if she is competent to make sound decisions about how the money should be spent. Giving it to brother under those circumstances.....I’d likely take the POA to an attorney to confirm that it’s durable. So, it survives her incompetence. Ask attorney for advice on doing right by her, despite her poor choices. And possibly getting guardianship, since that would take it out of her discretion and you must then only use her funds for her. In that case you must spend only for her needs and report it to the court. Ask the attorney about compensation for your caregiving.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I am paying the bills at her old house because she has told me to pay it out of her account Because she feels sorry for my 56 year old brother who can’t seem to hold a job , he has always been a little slow mentally but doesn’t get a disability check or anything except his girlfriend living with him there and she is on disability the house is paid off but I am paying the utilities there out of her account , her social security isn’t enough to pay bills in two homes , so I am having to take money out of her saving account which won’t last more then two or 3 years maybe 4 years at the most ,she has been diagnosed with early dementia, she wrote her Will about 4 years ago when she was of sound mind, which she made me as her POA, , also a lot of her money is going for adults diapers etc, I haven’t been keeping track of all her personal expenses, just wondering can my other brother take me to court and say I spend to much of her money, he is already upset
that she has spent so much money on my younger brother for years now , but he doesn’t call her to even wish happy Bday or Mother’s Day or even call me to see how she is doing ,

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score 1 · Answer 3

Hoefully her home is paid off. I may pay her taxes, but I would not pay for utilities. I may even see if brothers name can be put on the bills so he can be held responsible. If not, tell DB that since he is living there, he needs to pay the bills associated with the house. If he doesn't, they will eventually be turned off by the utility c mpanies. If water and sewerage bills are like mine, you miss 6 months and they will turn the water off. Without water, he cannot live there. Thats the law. Tell him winter is coming. I definitely would not pay for Cable or WiFi. If he wants them, then he pays for them.

My question would be what is Moms home worth? It might be best just letting it go. Might be best way to get brother out. If he is capable of working then he is capable to keep the bills up.

I agree that maybe a consult with a lawyer is a good thing since brother is considered a tenant at this point. Do not get yourself in debt for a brother who does not care. Moms money should be used for her care. Should not come out of your pocket.

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score 2 · Answer 4

I agree with Alva that legal advice about the options would be a very good idea. There may be Medicaid/ Medicare issues for your mother as well as your own financial situation. Now that your brother is alone in your mother’s house, there is no argument that he is caring for her, and he should be paying rent. However there are also legal implications in that, if it gives him security to stay in the house. Perhaps an option might be to fix a rent that makes it very unattractive financially for him, and also give him notice about the sale. If your POA isn’t wide-ranging enough, you could look at a new one if your mother is competent, and even guardianship if she is not. The cost of legal advice (local!) should be justified if there is a house sale in this. It’s quite complex legally and financially, as well as a pain on the personal level. Don't get bogged down in the personal implications and make some bad choices without knowing.

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score 3 · Answer 5

What your brothers think about anything is of no concern to me, as they do not seem to participate in your life or in your caring of your mother at all. So will leave then out of this.
So your Mom lives with you in your home? And you currently pay for her OTHER home where the brother has lived for 18 years? I am not certain why you would continue to pay for that home. If you have a POA strong enough to allow you to sell your Mom's other home, that may be a good idea. Your brother will then have to find his own housing of course.
You could also work out a rental and care contract with your Mother for her stay in your home.
Do see an Elder Law Attorney to help you make your decisions on what is the best way to move forward. You can legally work out a payment for room and board for your Mother in your home and for her care, but this income would be then filed as income under taxes.
I think you need support and advice about the safest way to move forward, and while a Lawyer would take the Social Security money of your Mom for a month to find out the best way forward, that seems good use of the money rather than spending it on two homes, only one of which you and your Mom live in. Good luck.

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score 4 · Answer 6

You can get paid if she is of sound mind and agrees to pay you. I don't know how you can ethically get paid otherwise. My dad insisted I be paid when I moved in with my folks after his cancer diagnosis, but he was of completely sound mind and told his attorney that was his wish.

If you have POA for her finances, you have an obligation to take scrupulous care of them and keep detailed records. You may have the ability to sell her house for her, which I'd do to keep your brother from sponging off her as well as protecting her assets.

You need to consult an elder care attorney to make sure you're doing things correctly, and he may be able to advise you on compensation. You're losing money if you take SS next year rather than later, and that should be compensated as well.

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Mom (89 with dementia) moved in with me after brother was almost charged with neglect. Should I use her money to pay the bills?

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