My mother's health has been very poor for about 6 years now, so I've been staying with her to help her. My situation is this: I cannot endure her histrionics any longer. The stress of it has me legitimately concerned that I'll have a heart attack far sooner than I would normally. Mind you, she has always been this way, but her age (73) and bad health have only exacerbated the problem. She does not have dementia.
By histrionics I mean that she is excessively emotional and dramatic. If she's retelling something that happened, for example, the details are fantastically exaggerated. If it's something someone else said or did that annoyed her, her version of the event will be so badly blown out of proportion as to be an entirely different occurrence altogether. If it was something she did that was extremely unwise or hateful then she will greatly underplay her actions/words so as to make it seem trivial.
She is quite literally extremely offended by any difference of opinion at all, and I do mean at all, and the slightest thing can and often is turned into a full blown argument. It's as if she takes a difference of opinion as an assault on her or, perhaps, as a utter and total rejection of her. For the better part of this year I tried simply not engaging in any discourse with her beyond the most superficial of interactions and this was offensive to her as well. I've also used up most of my vacation at times in order to take her to her hospital visits or sudden emergency room visits with almost no thanks this whole time. I'm honestly not expecting that from her as she's my mom and I want to help her. Hm, I suppose it just seems that almost all help she receives is taken totally for granted, even the big chunk of money I give her every month. Additionally she has always been a profoundly depressed person, though not clinically diagnosed with any mental illness.
At this point I just can't take it any more and desperately want to move back out, but I feel very guilty if I leave her alone. If she falls she can't get back up. She's too weak to even lift a garbage bag out of the can. My job is an hour away, so dropping everything to take her to the hospital won't be an option, and my slightly younger brother (still middle aged like me. lol) cannot stand her and truly doesn't care if she dies alone in her house.
Is it terrible of me to leave? My options seem to be to stay and lose years off my life from stress or leave and risk her dying alone. Edited to mention that her and my father were divorced a very long time ago and she never remarried.
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My mother does the exact same thing as yours and behaves (or misbehaves, I should say) herself exactly as yours does. Every single thing is a huge exaggeration and God forbid ANYONE say ANYTHING to her that she can possibly misconstrue...............heaven help us all!!!!!!!
One time, her and dad went to Sam's Club where she proceeded to OPEN up a full bag of some kind of snack to 'try a sample'. Well, the security guard cornered her and told her she was STEALING and had to pay for the bag she opened. Let me tell you.............THAT story of the Big Bad Security Guard Who Did Such A Horrible Horrible Thing To HER was told and re-told for YEARS! SHE did nothing wrong! SHE was taking a SAMPLE which is her RIGHT TO DO in any store she sees fit. Betcha can relate, huh? :(
Your mother is strong like bull, in reality. She has PLENTY of strength to take the garbage bag out of the can, but why should she when she has YOU to do it FOR her? Others should be her servants! That is their lot in life while she sits on her throne and has grapes peeled for her and fed into her precious mouth! Don't buy into the nonsense anymore. If she's really THAT weak, it's time to move into Assisted Living mother, and to pay others to do for you, because I'm DONE. Period.
Move out. Now. While you still have your mind intact. While your blood pressure is still in this stratosphere and you're not on 100 medications to save your life. Because she can easily outlive YOU. My mother will be 94 soon and is doing fine; fat and healthy, although to hear HER tell it, it's one histrionic drama story after another. She lives in a Memory Care ALF (since 2014) even though there's NOTHING wrong with her at ALL (moderate dementia) and all the others are 'stupid morons', not HER. This week alone (and it's only Wednesday morning), her arm is KILLLLLLLLLLLLING her from 'almost falling on the floor' and her va-jay-jay is BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNING so badly and also KILLLLLLLLLLING her so they had to take a urine specimen (that was another whole tirade of a story), she didn't sleep at ALLLLLLLLLLL on Monday night and her legs need to be CUT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFF because of the HORRRRRRRRRRIBLE pain they're causing. Do you feel my pain? But hey, at least she lives in another location and is someone else's problem for 23.5 hours a day! Even they at the ALF know about her tendency to 'exaggerate' and tell 'stories' so they take what she says with a grain of salt. AKA: The boy who cried wolf syndrome.
Don't be a statistic. Many of us care givers wind up dying BEFORE the elder we're caring for because of the histrionics you mention. Take care of YOU now, you've done enough. MORE than enough. Don't buy into ANY of the guilt trips that others may try to lay onto you. Just slough them off and DO NOT lay them on YOURSELF, please. You are doing nothing wrong here, as I am not. THESE WOMEN are the ones who are mentally unbalanced, not US. Repeat that phrase over and over again until you believe it in your heart. Then you can move on with your life and allow yourself to flourish.
Advice from a counselor I met: firstly, listen to calming music in the evenings or powerwalk - whatever it is that helps you unwind (but preferably not 2 bottles of wine).
Secondary, take a little break. A full day away, a weekend. This will help to get a bit of perspective.
You may have been sucked into living HER life with her.... while your life slowly withers...
It takes time to disconnect from her life & reconnect to your own. I think it's called *detaching with love*. It doesn't mean abandoning your Mother, just redrawing the boundaries. It may mean finding replacement services for things you were doing. A win/win. She gets help. You get a life.
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"You are both an actor in the play and the play itself."
because I have actually told my father that with her and my brother both (he's also extremely narcissistic, but that's a whole 'nother story) it's as if they've put me in some stage production/play and have cast me as "the bad guy". LOL It's a totally bewildering experience and one you can totally relate to, I'm sure.
Thank you again for replying. I hate to leave her to fend for herself, but I pray she'll find a way to manage.
And from what you describe, mom probably needs to be living in a facility where there will be someone to care for her 24/7, as she doesn't need to be living alone. So it's time to find your mom a new place to live in a facility, where she can drive the people there crazy, and time for you to move back to your home, where you can start to heal, and start living your life again. It'll be a win win situation for you both. God bless.
You honestly have two choices. Sacrifice your life to this sad woman, or have a life. Neither are easy choices and only you can make them. Do understand that there are people in our country living this life every single day who never had a child to sacrifice their lives on the altar. You will grieve the fact that this is the life you Mother has, and has had for some time, but it is time now to live the only life you will ever have any control over whatsoever, your own. I am so sorry, as this will be painful to do, but as you have noted, others have made this decision for themselves. If you leave you may be able to discuss SOME support with your brother. However, be aware he may not want to be pulled into what will be nothing but a mess during your mother's lifetime.
You have a difficult decision; I would suggest help and support of a psychologist or other therapist (Social Workers are often good when they counsel on life passges, and you may even get extra pointers of phone numbers for your Mom to access as/if she wishes).
Let your Mom know that this is a plan now for you (should you decide) and give her a 1 or 2 month window in which you can both explore options for her should she choose to do that. Good luck. Call Adult Protective Services in your area and tell them that you are doing it now in hope of numbers for support so that you don't have to call them in future about an adult at risk who is a lone. Tell them you HAVE TO MOVE. It isn't necessary to discuss with them all the whys and wherefores. And of course tell them that your mother does not have dementia.
Run fast
Run far
Run soon
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