Hi everyone I’m new here. My mother is not elderly as she is 51 years old yet she behaves in a way that is as if she is. She has a series of health issues that she refuses to get checked out and every time she has an episode she expects me to run to her rescue. She hasn’t worked in like ever so I am her support, financial and pretty much anything that she needs, none of her other family members help out and since I’m an only child all of the burden falls on me. I am not free to live my life because it is spent taking care of her, being her support system and it is very tiring. It has always been this way, she is stubborn, does not listen and I truly believe that she is milking her illness to the max. This behavior has went on for years, and between taking care of my own child I feel myself getting burnt out. Since she’s fairly young and has no money I’m not sure if she’s even eligible for an assisted living facility of some sort. She has no care for helping me with bills, she just adds to them, she is the most selfish individual and she expects me to put my life on hold to assist her and I am sick of it. Does anyone have any suggestions because I have obviously tried talking to her, reasoning with her, I even moved out at one point and her health deteriorated even worse and of course everyone blamed me for it. I don’t know what to do. At this point, she has left me crippled financially because all of her medication is paid for by me, and if I can’t come up with it she always puts me on these guilt trips. When she has an asthmatic episode, somehow I am to blame, when she gets her medicine and is feeling better, she resorts to laziness and she does not help herself. She doesn’t drive, she barely helps around the house and somehow seems to think that because she is my mother I owe her my own life. She is not in any way appreciative of what I do and she acts extremely entitled. She has no hobbies, no friends and basically no life and wants to stay in that state. If she doesn’t get her way then she won’t hesitate to run over to a family friend or neighbor and embarrass herself and myself with the way that she carries herself and of course I’m the one to blame for her because they always say that “I should be helping her, after all she is my mother”. As if I don’t do enough. She is taking prednisone and she is addicted to it and won’t admit it, no matter how much I have told her the damage that it can cause, doctors have told her the same, she still insists upon taking it because as she says “it’s what’s keeping her alive”, and yet every 3 weeks she has an episode. I’m just sick of it, every time I feel myself moving up towards advancement in my life, she pulls me right back. She has ruined relationships of mine because of her repulsive behavior.
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No. That isn't how this works. How this works is that your Mother had you for her own reason, whether you were planned and wanted, or an accidental pregnancy. At the point she chose to bring a helpless babe into this world it was your mother herself who owed YOU. She owed you safety, love, and to teach and raise you toward independence and strength. Then you spread your wings and you LEAVE THE NEST.
THEN you have your OWN children, and you raise then alike with love toward strength.
That is the way this is supposed to work.
You are doing your mother no favors here. I mean no disrespect but you are co-ing your mother, creating more and more neediness as you fulfill her wishes or attempt to when in reality she is young. I am 78, and were I even at this age doing this to my daughter? Well, mine is the shame if that is the case, and hers as well if she agrees to do it.
I would suggest that you get help now that is professional in nature. You are not making good choices for yourself OR for your Mom. There are many ways to love, honor and support a parent. But acting as their unwilling, guilt-ridden slave and whipping post is not one of them.
This is something you should work through with a psychologist; way too complex for any help here. It will take time, and it will be the hardest work you ever did in your life. Much of this symbiotic relationship is keeping you safe from challenge, from building a solid and independent life for yourself. It is keeping you attached in to a Mom that should have been helping you lifelong to be ready to fly from the nest. And it is keeping your mother from growing herself in the ways she must.
I wish you luck. It won't be easy. As I said, hard hard work ahead. But do remember, you have free will, and your choices now are not the fault of your parent. They are your own choices for your own life.
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Please change your journey in life. We care. We can tell our story and give advice but you’re the only one that has the power to make a positive change.
You aren’t happy. You are beyond being overwhelmed. I am afraid that your mom may never be content in life.
Speak to a professional therapist to help sort out your emotions. It was one of my best decisions. Hearing an objective viewpoint is invaluable. It will be a gift to yourself that you will treasure.
Best wishes to you.
Ignore the calls for help. She calls because she has "trained" you to respond in the way she wants you to.
She is an adult.
If she refuses medical help then at some point it will become serious enough that she will go to the ER and she will be seen, possibly admitted. At that point if they say she can not go unless some one will care for her you say..I am sorry I can not care for her, I am not equipped to care for her. The Social Workers will sort it out and she will probably be admitted to a Care Facility.
If it is determined that she can not make decisions for herself then a Guardian will be appointed. It can be a family member or it can be a Court Appointed Guardian.
**side note if her doctors are telling her to discontinue a medication how is she getting more? She is obviously seeing a doctor somewhere.
You mom has responsibility for HER life.
Assisted Livings cost 5k a month, at least. These are private pay. What Mom may qualify for is a HUDD subsidized apt. They charge rent based on her income. There are HUDD vouchers. There is low income housing.