Narcissistic Mom, Only Child. Any advice?

Saying you're a 'people pleaser' is like saying 'I can't help it'. You CAN help it. The question is, what measures are you going to start taking NOW to stop pleasing mother and start pleasing yourself?

The 'right thing to do' now is to take care of YOURSELF unless you want to be among the statistics of caregivers who die BEFORE the elder they're caring for. Your heart issue was your warning......your wake up call to start looking after YOURSELF now.

It sounds like your mother suffers from dementia, which is probably true, considering she's 98 and accusing you of 'stealing from her' and then telling the neighbors nasty lies about you. Those are hallmark behaviors of dementia. And, a narcissistic person with dementia = one ugly situation. I know, b/c my own mother will be 94 in January and has both! Lucky me. Oh, plus, I'm also an only child. Lucky me on that too, huh?

I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living back in 2014 when dad fell & broke his hip & the rehab SNF would not release him back to Independent Living, even with my mother looking after him. Which is a joke, b/c the only person mother looks after is MOTHER. So I had to rush around like mad to find a AL that would accept him, in his condition at the time, along with my mother who was 88 and only starting down the dementia highway. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still in AL, but now in the Memory Care section. Tells me every day how I 'put' her there for no good reason, there's nothing wrong with her at ALL, which would be funny if it wasn't so sad & such a lie. ANOTHER lie, to add to the other 89% of lies she compulsively tells.

Anyway, I do the minimum I can for my mother, which still adds up to a TON. It's never enough, of course, and I'm the daughter she got stuck with b/c she couldn't have 'children of her own' thanks to my father's 'shortcomings'......so what's the point in me (or you) jumping through fiery hoops for a person who isn't going to appreciate any of our efforts ANYWAY? I realized that years ago and I hope YOU will too.

Your mother can hire caregivers to help her out. She can order groceries online or you can order them for her to be delivered. You can set up automatic deliveries of necessities from Amazon. You can and MUST set down BOUNDARIES with her immediately. Such as Mother, I will come over on Tuesdays from 1-3 pm (or whatever) and do XYZ for you. Anything else you need will have to wait until the following Tuesday. I will speak to you on the phone ONCE a day at 5 pm (or whatever) and as soon as things get ugly, I'll have to hang up and speak to you the next day when hopefully you are in a better mood. These are the New Rules that we will be following according to MY DOCTOR'S ORDERS on how I need to take care OF ME NOW.

Setting down firm, strong, unchangeable boundaries with women like this is a necessity! Otherwise, you lose. Oh, you lose ANYWAY, but you lose MORE w/o boundaries. A lot more. So take my advice and set up the New Rules now. For YOUR sake. Your mother has gotten away with bloody murder now for 98 years. Enough is enough. Trouble with these women is..........nobody has ever told them to Sit Down & Shut Up. Setting down new rules is doing precisely THAT w/o being rude about it. Don't change ANY of the rules at ANY time, either, b/c she'll be waiting for you to do that......so she can slither her way back IN! That's why you need to be very adamant about following your new rules with a narcissistic mother! IMPERATIVE!!!

Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of YOUR health now & agreeing to enjoy YOUR life. You've done enough for your mother. ALLOW yourself to get off the hook now.

Hello. My mother is extremely difficult as well. I was not born an only child but both of my sisters have died at young ages and I am left with my aging mother, who I do not like, and an aging father. I work hard on maintaining boundaries with them. My mother always puts herself first and is incapable of really caring about anyone else. It took me awhile to realize this but my eyes have been opened. Please put your own health issues first and do things that make you happy! Hugs!

I've said this many times and will say it again to you. Being old does not give someone a free pass to bully or behave abusively to others.
No, it does not.
Stop being your mother's caregiver. Find her some homecare help who will run her errands, take care of her housekeeping, and help with her personal care needs. You do not have to be the one doing this at the risk of your own health and well being.
If she speaks poorly of you to her neighbors, let her. Why should that bother you? Let me tell you something. Most people when they hear an elder complaining about their kids who don't help them and how bad they are can tell if it's true or just grandma trying to get attention and cause trouble for her family. Most people can tell the difference. Please stop being her caregiver. You don't deserve how you're being treated by her.

It’s clear that the stress is harmful to you! My therapist told me when the stress starts to effect us physically it is time to make changes in our lives.

All the best to you.

Lealonnie, so many of the phrases and scenarios you’ve posted about sound so familiar to me. Sometimes you need to read of someone else’s experiences to see that the same thing is happening to you, or will do if you don’t take extreme care. “Taking care of yourself “ : I am absolutely on my knees right now with exhaustion due to mother’s daily rage about trying out a new supported living place in a few weeks’ time. I can’t sleep at night now and spend much of the day keeping away from her so she can’t start up again if she gets me on my own. “The only person mother looks after is mother” again rings true. I have episodes of severe joint and body pain (suspected fibromyalgia) plus back problems, yet when these flare up my mother continues as though everything is normal. I honestly believe that if we were on a sinking ship she would step on me to get off and save herself. “Nobody has ever told them to Sit Down and Shut Up” : yes, yes and yes! When my mother is sounding off at full throttle I find myself thinking “Would you please just Be Quiet”, but I have never actually just said it aloud. Maybe I should, I know it is all about standing up to these people, but most days I don’t have the strength. I am instead looking forward to the physical distance that will be between us soon. I read with interest how your mother has kept on complaining and blaming you for her situation, and I am expecting that plus a whole load of new demands once my mother is in supported living. But what I am focusing on at the moment is just getting to this next stage. Then the new boundaries will start to be put into place. I think my head will be clearer, I will be stronger and will be able to take much of the advice from this forum and put it into action. Thanks for laying bare your own experiences - they are a huge help and there is some really good advice here.

There is nothing wrong with you telling her NO and hanging up the phone. Cut back a bit on what you are doing. Maybe she just might appreciate you when she realizes what she is doing without. And if not, she will find someone to fill the gap freeing up your time.

Hi,

I have a mom with borderline personality disorder. She has cared about how her mothering skills look to others in the world. She cares only about her needs and wants being met within our family. That comprises of her and my brother being superior in every way to me & my dad. She screams, lies, & manipulates me when reality (often) hits her in the face. I believe she understood you when you told her you needed to slow down for your health. She didn’t care, unfortunately, like a normal person would.

I am sorry this has been your lifelong situation and you have had your health compromised due to her oddball behavior. I wish I had the magic answer. I used to fight back as a kid. No was my most used word to her. It helped get me through but still had a rotten childhood.

I would suggest accepting her no good behavior as is. It’s out of your control. Think of the things under your control. In what ways does she depend on you? Is it for errands as she can’t drive? Making doctor appointments? Do things for her from a distance and hands off as much as possible.

Love her and yourself equally. Your life may be out of whack if you put her on a pedestal as the god of your life.

Please take it easy and take care of your health!

Hello there. Welcome to the forum. You will find plenty of sympathetic support here, and will realise you're not on your own in terms of the problems you're dealing with. Be kind to yourself and remember that it's your mother who's the problem, not you. Hugs and best wishes from one "only child of a narcissistic mother" to another!

Bundle of Joy,
My mom is also a narcissist. She has dementia, but is still high functioning. She is married to her second husband. I do what I can from a distance. I have learned the hard way as she can go off on me in a heartbeat. I am still under a doctor’s care regarding high stress from caring for my dad. My doctor told me to not get involved with my mother’s issues... only from a distance if absolutely necessary. I now realize my mom was all about how she looked as a mother. Also, I am her only child. The thing about narcissistic parents is they always have a golden child... currently it is her stepson (and his wife). Actually, that’s fine with me. I’m sending you a warm hug and prayers. I don’t have any answers, but I understand your situation.

OMG! Are you my long lost twin?! I’m also an only child caring for mum 69 and I’ve only recently realised she’s narcissistic. I have no boundaries as far as she’s concerned and have been “protecting” her all my life. Now I realise it’s actually the rest of us who need protecting! I just don’t know where to begin as she’s conditioned me superbly!