I moved her from GA to TX in May, purchased a home with elevator to accommodate her and she’s miserable and uses me as a punching bag as she’s angry at the world. This is the 4th time in 3 months she stated she want to return to GA and I’m ready to help her pack! I avoid her like the plague she’s extremely mean spirited! Suggestions?

My mom doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s, she’s just mean and angry! I love her but don’t like her. Suggestions??

I would encourage you to get counseling. Often when a child continues to have dealings with an abusive or narcissistic parent it is because they have been lifelong well trained to do this. You co her and enable her by allowing her to have her way while you break your neck to make her life better. You will perhaps have in the end to accept that your Mother is quite simply not a very nice person, and she may be a person you need to avoid for your own health and joy. Remember, the choice to engage with her is all yours. You are in charge of your own life. Do consider help. As someone who has had to do this (for other reasons) I can tell you that a bit into counseling, with a good counselor, you will come to a point where you want to flee, because you will be faced with acceptance and change.And change is VERY hard to do after a lifetime of training. At that point you MAY flee, because the well worn path you know seems easier. In the long run, it isn't. So stick to it. Wish you so much good luck.

Helpful Answer (20)

Good idea........help her pack! And look for Assisted Living residences in GA or even in TX if you would like to keep her nearby but not in the same house with you. I could never, ever, under any circumstances have my mother living under the same roof with me and so, I made the decision years ago to never have it happen. She's been in AL since 2014 and now in Memory Care. She'll be 94 in January. She's miserable 24/7 but she gets to complain to OTHERS for 23.5 hours of each day rather than to ME. She gets great care over there, too, by teams of people who work 24/7 in order to provide it. She also gets to schmooze with other elders in the same boat, so to speak, so they can all complain together. Misery loves company, right?

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (20)

Why did you opt to bring her to live with you in TX to begin with? Is she unable to live by herself? No one deserves to be miserable in their own home. Life is too short to put up with her negativity. I'm guessing you knew how she was before you decided to move her. Did you think she would change once she was with you? Well obviously you are seeing that she's not, and if she really doesn't appreciate all you are doing for her, then perhaps it really is time to be making plans to send her back to GA. I'm sure they have lots of nice assisted living, or independent living places there, if that's what she prefers.
Please don't continue to take her abuse. You deserve so much better.

Helpful Answer (14)

I totally get it. I did the same in January after she fell and had hip replacement. Eleven months later my marriage is suffering, I’m under a neurologist care with tremors, I see a therapist once a week- for what?
I spent $$$$$ doing a garage conversion to allow 500 sq ft of space for her and dad. She has this “special” cynical laughter which is what I get if I ask her about food, comfort, personal needs.
I had to hire a caregiver because it’s two- both mom and dad (both 94).
there are no siblings since my sis passed 1 1/2 yrs ago(by the way, they didn’t come to the funeral), no family members to help. My niece and nephews are lined up waiting to get the inheritance before their death and never come by .
I have a ball and chain tied to the house, unable to leave them alone for any given time because they wander off. They are horrible to my little dog, mean to the core to the caregiver and just hateful 24/7.
Guilt? I can write the book on guilt.
I started reading a book “Boundaries” recently. I read at 2:00 am when I wake up drenched in sweat (not because of menopause) because of anxiety.
I feel for you. I’m sending you lots of good wishes and a mental hug. I sincerely hope you find strength to make necessary changes to make yourself happy. I’m a weak person and can’t find the way out.

Helpful Answer (14)

Wow. This sounds like hell!

Who said you're a "weak person" who "can't find the way out"? Because neither of those things are true!

You aren't weak; you're hurt. And have every right to be. You've gone the extra mile and then some, and still your parents are unappreciative and ungrateful. You know they won't change. You know the way out... to have them placed and take your life back once and for all. It's just a hard, scary step to take. But you have to... these people have had enough time ruining your life. You're done.

Whatever you do, keep your dog away from them! They sound heartless enough to truly hurt or kill it.

With that... they are under your roof. And your roof = your rules. Your home is to be respected. Your rules include being polite to caregivers and NOT harming, or trying to harm, your pet in any way, shape, or form. If they can't stick to that, it's time for them to go. There's a lot of advice on here about getting parents on Medicaid and getting them placed.

If they're constantly wandering, you have no other option but to place them. Eventually they will be hurt, get lost, or fall in the street.

You sound so broken. It's not your fault! You have evil people for parents and nothing you do will fix it. They will never appreciate you. It's their loss and their problem. If you are hoping they'll finally love you after doing all you've done for them... they won't. You deserve better than that.

If they pull the "you're supposed to take care of us" card, tell them you've TRIED to care for them, spent money on them, and they're not happy. You can't do anything more for them, so they need to pick another place. The blame is on them.

Guilt is warranted when YOU have done wrong. You haven't.

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My goodness. I needed this thread. I have no idea why I keep wanting to please my mother, and it just comes back to bite me. I spend WAY too much mental energy going over and over our last interaction. Each one ends in a mess. Thank you all for your responses to the OP. They are so helpful.

Helpful Answer (13)

Exact same here. Lifelong habit of wanting to please others, and it has taken half of my life of caring for my mother to finally realize that I don't need to. NOW I feel like an adult....at 53.

(12)

I totally sympathize as I recently took in my 93 year old father who can be very pleasant but also can be downright nasty. I was the first of my sibs to say I would never allow him to live with me (although my home is best suited to this) and that if left to me, he was going to spend every last dime in assisted living. Then covid happened so here he is (with everyone's knowledge that it's just until assisted living is safer) but still he'll be in town and I'll be carrying a burden alone. And I'm having to put up with the nasty moods and yelling. I lived with those nasty moods and temper my childhood and now live a very quiet peaceful life with no yelling. This is really very hard on my husband (a nice quiet guy) and on me, who have been doing everything we can for dad until Covid is over. So, I get it. In my case I repeat to him at least every other day that this is just until Covid is over and I can get my life back. When the time comes, he won't go peacefully because it's nice here.... the lap of luxury. This is a long winded way of telling you that you MUST set your boundaries and constantly repeat it even if it's uncomfortable for everyone ... and I know it's hard. I've told dad he can't do this or he'll be out even if Covid isn't over. It has zero effect as he doesn't believe that. But I know that I must follow up on the threat. He sounds not nearly as bad as your mom, though. You are entitled to be happy but it's up to you to make that happen. And ,yes, I tell myself this every. single. day.

Helpful Answer (12)

"I Love Her But I Don't Like Her"

You love your mother, you just don't like "her ways."

YAY, YOU. CHEEEEERS : )

You still love your mother regardless of her being mean. Good for you. Most people can't understand that.

You say your mother acts miserable and has mentioned 4 times that she wants to go back to GA. It could be that she is not happy in TX.

If her wish is to go back to GA, honor her wishes.

Be Blessed : )

Helpful Answer (10)

Why did you move her?
Was there a medical reason?
Was this to make it "easy" for you to manage her appointments and other things? If so there are Care Managers that can do this for you and for her since she would be paying for the service.
If you are avoiding her then she might as well be back in GA.
If this is what she wants and if this is what you want then help her find a place that is suitable in GA for her.
Look for Assisted Living facilities that also have Memory Care. There is a possibility that with the Parkinson's she may eventually be diagnosed with LBD (Lewy Body Disease, another form of Dementia.) One of the symptoms of LBD can be outbursts and violence.
But as long as she would be safe where she ends up then it would be a "win-win" she would be back in GA and you would not have contact with her.

Helpful Answer (10)

Grocery stores will save boxes for you and Uhaul sells them. Give mom her wish and enjoy a better life for you both

Helpful Answer (10)

Walmart sells moving boxes as well, at a very low price. Sizes frm small to large.

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You are under no obligation to like anyone - even family. If she is not a person you friends with- that is ok. Also avoiding a mean-spirited person is important for mental survival. I have no suggestions -- seems like you have it under control.

Helpful Answer (8)

So what do you do when she is all your responsibility? Walk away and say "Good luck?"

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My mom doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s, she’s just mean and angry! I love her but don’t like her. Suggestions??

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