How to bring other things into your life when you're caregiving 24/7?

Imho, seek respite by any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, a church, et al. Prayers sent.

what is wrong with your loved one that you have to sit full time by their side?  Take some money (the mom's) and hire someone to come in and be with her for a couple hours a couple times a week and you/hubby go out....for a walk, a drive, for some ice cream......anything to get you out of the house for that short time.  If your mom don't have the money, check into Medicaid to help pay for that respite care while you get out. I know a lot of people want to keep their family members at home as long as possible but when it gets to the point of burnout......maybe placing into a nursing facility would be the best answer.  You can then visit (depends on virus stuff) whenever either by window visit or phone call.  You no longer feel burnt out and can enjoy just being or talking to your mom instead of feeling obligated to do the "work" and be a caregiver instead of a daughter.  Wishing you luck.

Been there, done that. My husband and I (when we were in our fifties) took care of my mom who had Alzheimer's. She lived with us for over 5 years. I even wrote a book about our experiences: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." As you can tell from the title, we tried to find humor where we could, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job in NY after college, (an accounting job), but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. We found that humorous anecdotes were the antidote to our stress. Best of luck.

Hey Merediths. Do you and your husband still work, or are you both caregivers in the house 24/7? I ask this because if the two of you are away at work either there's someone staying with mom during those hours or she's able to be left alone during the day. If it's the first, then that caregiver can help get you in touch with others who can help you out. If mom can stay alone, then hiring a companion might be something that works for everybody. They will take your mom out and get her some socialization. It really helps. They can also do week-end and overnight hours if you and your husband wanted to take a bit of a break for a week-end. Please look into this. You are right about being too young to be living an old person's life. I know how hard that life is to live because I've done it for years. It breaks my heart to hear of anyone having to live it. Look into the outside help. It might cost a bit, but if you want someone good hire privately.

Unless you find a way to put more hours in a day or more days in a week, you have no time for "other things" because you are caregiving 24/7. Does your mother have financial resources to pay for a home health aide for herself? Why have you assumed so much caregiving responsibility for her?

I read on your profile that your husband loves your mother as much as you do. Remember that feelings change. Remember that she is not his biological mother; now, she is his roommate. Most 50-something men are not looking to live the life of an 84 year old woman.

In my opinion, your marriage should be the first "other thing" you bring into your life. Marriage is a living thing. You must find a way to return to being a wife to your husband. What does your husband like to do with his time?

You need helpers: family, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help a couple of days every week and for an extended weekend every now and then. Let these kind folks give your hours/days to exercise, take care of appointments, pursue hobbies together and individually, socialize (responsibly since COVID is still a problem)... Your needs are as important as your mom's and you need to build in the time to care for yourselves as well as you care for her.

I understand. I’m in the same situation. Some days are harder than others. But some days are great. When taking care of a loved one your heart has to be in it. If it isn’t you will always look at it like any other job you get tired of. If it’s you and your husband doing it, you should rotate. Take a whole day off to lounge around the house while the other one take care of mom. Pace yourself when doing chores around the house. Take a couple of minutes out of the day to do some breathing exercises when you feel anxiety coming on. God bless you two for sacrificing for your mom.

It took me a while before I turned to home instead and had someone come twice a week. That made such a difference.
My mom is still able to do many things but her biggest issues are the sundowner, so I have her sweep the kitchen or her bedroom and fold clothes or dry the dishes. No, she doesn't always do the best job, but she feels she is helping and it gives you a few minutes to breath or go pee alone....or go outside and scream.

I have found trying to include her in some projects helps, of course if there are things that are breakable that isn't the project to include her on, but my mother can, at this point be distracted by doing some "helpful " thing.

Beffort you Burn Out, you deffiently need time alone, away from your Love One.

You need to hire a Caregiver to help out a few hours a day to give you a break and at least once a week, have a date night and get out of the house together.

Id you can't afford a Caregiver to help out, You might ask other Family Members, Friends, Church Members to volunteer to watch your Loved One for a few hours every week to give yourself a break.

To not get Burn Out, you really need minimum one day and one night off weekly.

The situation may be getting past the stage at which you can do all the hands-on caring. Is an AL or NH a possibility at some point? Your mother could live another decade or more, and her needs will increase over time.

I am living with my Dad, while my husband and preteen son live in another state. I understand your feeling of living like an old person...I'm 56. I do Bible study, make greeting cards and send real letters in the mail to friends back home (hoping to get some in return), I have other crafts here like painting seashells, cross stitch, books to read. I enjoy cooking for my Dad. He has a treadmill set up that I'll get my steps in on, now that the weather is bad. It's a sacrifice, loving and caring for the elderly.

I play the euphonium. The hour I practice every day is my Great Escape. Although I played, and taught several instruments during my life, none in my recent past gave me the focus and determination that this one has.

I’m getting more proficient, taking lessons, and staying faithful to my practice routine.

Before Covid I played in one band and did little outside-of-band extras. In January or as soon as it’s safe, I’ll be playing in two bands.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be band, it can be cooking, painting, photography......whatever involves you for part of EVERY SINGLE DAY doing something fabulous that you JUST LOVE.

You owe this to yourself, when you’re a caregiver. Find your “fix”, then DO IT.

Connect (virtually) with social workers or other organizations in the area that specialize in elder care to find out what assistance is available for you. Can you get aides to come in for a few hours so that you can have breaks? During the pandemic all of our options are limited, and it's best to do things where you can take all of the precautions to keep yourselves and your mother safe. Indoor or outdoor hobbies, reading, exercise...

It really depends on how much care that your mom needs.

When mom moved into our home many years ago it wasn’t so bad.

She could be left alone for awhile so we could leave the house for a change of scenery.

It gets tiresome looking at the same four walls. I needed to get out of the house to feel like I had a break.

Later on when she needed more and more care I felt like a prisoner.

So, if you can leave your mom for a bit I would say to get out of the house.

Depending on where you live determines how much you are restricted during Covid but do what you can, even if it’s just going out for coffee.

Sitting outside in your yard is nice too.

Going for a walk or a bicycle ride.

My husband and I cook together.

My caregiver days to mom are over but I spent 15 years caring for her in my home so I know how it can change one’s life.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Taking time for yourself is important. And you and hubby taking time for each other is also important. Find something that you enjoy, or you both enjoy. Like watching a movie on the computer when she goes to sleep.
Go for a walk, or sit out in front.
Read a book. You and hubby learn something together online, and so on.

What I found when caring for my husband for many years, that worked for me was making sure that I was taking time for myself. I would go shopping, go to lunch or supper with friends, go to church, or just sit outside on my patio with a glass of wine. And yes you can do everything I mentioned, even with Covid going on. As you are finding out being a caregiver is very hard, but it can also be rewarding, you just have to make sure that you and your husband are making your marriage and each other a priority too. If mom can't be left alone than you need to hire some outside help to stay with her while you and your husband go do something fun. And you can always have a security camera in the room where mom is, so when you are out and about, you can check in on her anytime. My husband was completely bedridden for the last 22 months of his life, and having a security camera in the room where he was, was invaluable for me, as I could check on him anytime when I was not home. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and if don't learn early on to make yourselves a priority, you may not survive the journey. God bless you.