My mother is 93 and just lost her husband suddenly. She had some memory issues but now she can’t remember that he died. What can we do?

It IS very cruel that your 93 year old mother has just lost her husband suddenly.

When you say "go through the grief process over and over" - when did this happen, exactly?

The point of the question is this. The process is going to take time. It isn't really so surprising, or all down to her memory issues, that she is finding it hard to take this loss on board, perhaps wakes up every morning secure in the belief that he is still there.

Which of us hasn't fully expected someone we've lost to walk through the door or answer the phone? Thought "oh I must tell her - " and only then realised that we can't tell that person anything again.

So give your mother time. You may find that the funeral makes a difference. Meanwhile, when her memory seems to have lapsed and she's "not remembering" that her husband has died, rather than explain to her directly ask her leading questions and allow her time to recollect.

I would say let her feel the grief for now, until the service is over.

Then the therapeutic fibs / vauge answers may come in.

I would want to grieve my husband - I think that's reasonable. But not re-live that fresh grief every day.

So sorry for your loss.

Just went thru that with mom, she always believes he will be here to fix everything. I go home crying. She will ask me to call dad.
no advice, I do meditate a lot these evenings. I know I still miss my daddy.
And mom still asks me to find him.LOL she said he was his girlfriend one night. NEVER!NEVER NEVER.
God Bless Ya All!

My Mom thinks that her Dad is still alive. He’s been gone for 25 years. The first time she asked where he was I told her he passed away. She got very upset. Every time since then I tell her he’s fishing. She’ll ask if her brother is with him as her Dad must be 80 and shouldn’t be finishing alone on the ocean. I tell her of course and that the weather is perfect for fishing. She is so happy when I say this so I’ll say it forever. So I do more than distract. I tell the kind lie. Good luck with your Mom and I agree it’s cruel to have them relive the grief.

If she can't remember that he died then no good can come of telling her over and over again. She will just relive the shock and grief of hearing it like it just happened. If she asks about him or notices that he's not around, it's a kindness and a mercy in your situation to lie or try to distract her. I was the full-time caregiver along with a couple of part-time ones to an elderly woman with advanced dementia when her husband passed away. She was told at the time when he died, but couldn't remember. She would get in a loop and repeat asking after him sometimes up to thirty or forty times a day. We would tell her that he was in rehab getting physical therapy because of the fall and that the doctor can't let him come back until he's back on his feet. This answer always satisfied her and she'd ask again in a little while.
We were very careful not to mention that he died. A few times some old friends of her came by offering their condolences about her husband passing away (even though we asked them not to) and she would get totally hysterical then not remember why. It would take several hours to get her back on track to where we'd be able to get about the daily routines like feeding and changing her. I would tell you it's best to just lie to her.

I wish there was a good answer. Since his death is so recent (still before the service) I don't know whether telling her again and again or distracting her would be better. As time passes you will figure out which is the best to do. If she is inconsolable, perhaps her primary care provider can suggest something to help.

My mom has dementia and the only time she acknowledged my Dad died was at the funeral and when she had to sign up for benefits. My niece made a simple memory book that said who she was and where she lives (didn't mention where she lived before), and had stories and pictures about all her children and grandchildren. Since she was fixated on her financial situation, we printed out a list of her monthly income and expenses so she could see that she had more coming in than she was spending. We took a picture of her at the cemetery standing next to the headstone and put it in the memory book too. When we show it to her she says she doesn't remember being there.

Some days she knows he's gone, some days she will suddenly look up and ask me if Daddy is in the hospital or nursing home. When I tell her he died 2 years ago, she used to say "nobody told me." It was frustrating. We'd get the memory book out and go through it together. As time has passed, she is less worried about finances, and now when she asks where Daddy is, she doesn't get upset anymore when I tell her he died.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Praying for God to give you wisdom and the patience you need now and in the future.