My mom 76 was living with brother for 4years has recently broke her back and is in rehab being released in 5 more days coming to live with me. She is addicted to xanax, takes pain pills for all her breaks from falling, and had a blood clot in knee. She broke shoulder, had surgery and all she cares about is her stupid pills. I can't handle this mom. She has become angry, wants pills wants to sleep and acts and walks like shes had a stroke, but doctors say she has depression. She stays in bed so much she's lost muscle very weak and consumed with bills money and pills. I want to see her happy, wish I could fix her but rehab just keeps sending her back home. Any advice on what I need to do. She also began incontinence and refuses to wear protection she's so hard headed.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
The revolving door of home-hospital-rehab-home hasn't been working for anyone, that's for sure.
Your mother is comparatively young. She's been on this slippery slope for at least four years, then - what were her health and physical fitness like before the first major incident (whatever it was) that led to her moving in with your brother?
The pain is real. I expect by now that her addiction to the Xanax is real, too; along with its other undesirable side effects. The muscle loss is real. The depression is real.
The impact on your brother and now you is also real and important; but it's your mother who's been going through the mill. She's in h*ll. It's no use expecting her to address the issues in a constructive way on her own initiative.
Allies. You need allies.
I don't know what sort of healthcare resources and services you can call on? You need, as a basis:
a good PCP to co-ordinate everybody else
physical therapy
occupational therapy
Aiming for teamwork you then add in all kinds of expertise, from psychology to dietetics to pain management to continence care; but let that wait. The idea is to start developing a long-term personal rehabilitation program, to be worked on in her home environment, based on SMART goals.
Approach it with a completely free imagination. What sort of life would your mother, you, your brother and any other interested parties *like* your mother to be living by, say, the end of 2021?
When you say, “rehab” are you speaking about drug rehab or rehab at a facility for her injuries?
You say they are sending her back home. Rehab cannot help someone if they do not participate in the program.
If this rehab was for injuries and she is in pain, plus has an addiction, how can she participate? Did you tell the rehab that she is addicted to opiates?
If this was a drug rehab program, are you aware that most addicts relapse? Most people go through the rehab program more than once.
It will require extreme patience and support if you wish to be a part of her life.
I grew up with an addict. My oldest brother who is now deceased had an opioid addiction. It’s a life long struggle.
Please go to Narcotics Anon for family members for yourself. You will gain the insight that you need to understand the situation better.
It may be time that you surrender your caregiving. There was a time that I cared for my brother as an adult and it became unbearable. I endlessly tried to get him to do rehab. He refused.
My brother lived in horrendous pain as well. He had a severe motorcycle accident.
He almost died on the operating table. He broke bones throughout his body. He suffered horribly.
His drug addiction was so bad that he asked me to buy heroin for him. I left his hospital room in tears and stepped out into the hallway. An incredible nurse saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I told her.
You know what she told me, “It is time for you to take care of yourself. Go to narcotics anonymous for family members and they will be of help to you.” She was right. She also said, “Go home, get some rest. I will handle your brother’s needs. We deal with drug addicts and alcoholics.” I took her advice and trusted her.
Take care of yourself. Tell professionals about your mom’s problems. She cannot stop on her own. Please don’t expect her to. Withdrawal is brutal.
I saw things as a child no child should ever see growing up with an addict.
I swore to myself that my adult life would be happy and free.
Well, my mom asked me to care for my brother. I truly tried. I succeeded for awhile. It eventually became too hard. I had to walk away.
I reconnected with him shortly before his death in the ‘end of life’ hospice facility. He received excellent care from his nurses and was kept comfortable. He died from HepC.
I know this is hard for you. Think about surrendering your position as caregiver and allow others to handle this situation.
Addiction is a disease. No one wants to be an addict. Remember this. It will help you heal. You will be able to let go of any resentment.
You will be in my thoughts. Sending you many hugs.
While I haven't delt with addiction, I get trying to help a sibling when it appears they won't help themselves.
ADVERTISEMENT
I would suggest that you start Al-Anon in order to get support and a deeper understanding of what you can do about an addict (or more appropriately what you canNOT do). This may help give you peace, and you may also find connections with people who understand resources and the system you will be working within when Mom is placed.
Wishing you good luck. Will remind you that the choices you make going forward ARE indeed, choices, your own choices, and you must be responsible for them; make them with care.
But most of us have to take a turn around the merry-go-round once or twice & really live it before it 'clicks' & we get it.