My mother insists on driving. Should I just let her keep driving?

I learned this from an extremely unpleasant neighbour, but it might be more positive for you. Get a sharp nail and prop it next to a tire, so that it punctures when the car is started. Flat tire! You can’t fix it! Sprinkle a few nails around the area for camouflage (the difficult neighbour sprinkled a couple of thousand, we used a large magnet on a lead to pick them up). Then do it again. It will also get to be a very stale problem, as well as keeping her off the road while she gets the wheel off and the tire fixed. It’s more difficult to blame you than for removing leads.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law were driving to the library on a beautiful weekend morning. There was very little traffic, except for my in-laws' car and the car that crossed over the center lane of traffic and ran into them head on. The driver was elderly and we were later told he had a lot of health problems, and was on a lot of medication.

My father-in-law was badly injured. My mother-in-law was killed.

We were fortunate that years later when my father-in-law no longer felt that he could safely drive, on his own he turned over his car keys to my husband. That was the best possible scenario because that saved my husband from having to have "the car keys talk" with him. From then on he either took a taxi to where he needed to go, or we drove him.

I know that your situation is a difficult one, and you obviously aren't doing it just because your mom has gotten older. You're doing it because she's no longer a safe driver, and because you love her.

It might help you to know that many church groups have volunteers who take members and even non-members to their appointments, to the store, etc.

In my area, there is an organization called Seniors First that was wonderful. They pick up seniors in a large van at their homes, and bring them to "happenings" and lunches and games a few times a week at the local Senior Recreation facility. It was awesome and my aunt, who lived on her own, was on that bus at least twice a week. (I think the socialization helped her live to nearly 102 years old.)

Best wishes and good luck to you.

sandwichedboomer.com

what kind of doctor is that. i would change doctors. i would let my mother hear what the doctor is saying. i would contact dmv with a doctors note . let dmv write a letter asap let mom read it. take the keys and take her where she needs to go and or pay a driver mature person that can take the time to understand what she's going through. young ppl don't have the time nor energy. take her to a therapist one or few sessions for clarity. find a good friend for her. pray and be there for mom. by the way when my mom got sick. i found out from her that she was driving all over the road, messed up her car crashing over the side walk. God was with her. its time to take the keys but she will feel like she's no longer in control. just communicate effectively to her.

This lady shouldn’t be driving but this is one of the toughest elder issues. How you go about ending the driving can depend on the particulars of you situation and your mothers mental competence.

With my dad his car “Broke Down” and had to be towed to the shop and they had to order parts etc. My dad had little short term memory at this point so I was able to continue the fib for a few days until he went into assisted living.

Its better to get the car out of sight, out of mind.

Disable the car by having someone simply pull the starter relay out of the fuse box. When it’s time to move it just plug it back in and go. Don’t mess with plug wires or letting air out of tires. Not as easy as you would think.

It was still a battle with my dad. He had long term memory and was ranting and raving about his car for weeks. It subsided eventually but he was looking for his car until he died.

This has to be done. Good luck.

If you have one iota of wondering whether mom should be driving, go walk about your neighborhood. Notice how many KIDS are out, playing..how many folks are walking across the streets..etc, etc.

How much are those LIVES worth if mom hits the gas instead of the brakes???

Mom's car had dents and bumps on every single quarter panel. No backup lights, usually only one headlight. She was driving and looking between the top of the steering wheel and the dashboard. Completely clueless.

YB disconnected the battery and put a 'club' on the steering wheel. Said she had to take the driving test He'd put her through before he's allow her out of the neighborhood. She couldn't even get the rearview mirror adjusted.

IF you can get mom to adapt, I have found Uber to be wonderful for runs to the airport and even just errands for ME when I have had a car in the shop or was going in for chemo.

I dread taking DH's driving privileges away and that's going to happen one day. I guess he'll stay home, b/c he refuses to let me drive him anywhere!

It’s so sad that the doctor is empathetic towards your mom and shows no concerns about a daughter that is looking out for her mother’s safety and others on the road.

This doctor is showing very poor judgment or should I not pull any punches and say that he lacks common sense!

NeedHelp,

Here is where a complaint can be filed on doctors who are Medicare providers:

https://www.medicare.gov/claims-appeals/how-to-file-a-complaint-grievance

It's shocking how rude your mother's doctor was and brushing off the driving issue like it's not big deal! What a jerk!!

What state are you in? You might get faster results going through the DMV. Also do you have access to her vision records?

One more thing, do you know why your mom's oncologist thought she might have dementia? Did the oncologist document anything in your mom's records about the dementia concerns?

Oh boy do I feel your pain on this one!! I've just been through a MASSIVE ordeal with my mom and the driving, and this has been going on for close to two years!

It took my mom getting a DUI to get her off the road, because her license was suspended. It's a looong story involving two states that I'll spare you but what made it even more complicated is that my mom also managed to convince a couple "professionals" that she was good to drive (meanwhile diagnosed with dementia in early 2019) including the DUI lawyer. When that case is fully resolved I plan to report that lawyer to the bar.

So on to your case- I would call your mother's doctor and tell him you will be reporting him to the state medical board and are holding him liable if anything happens for telling your mother she was okay to drive despite all of the issues you listed here and your vocal concerns. The word LIABLE should get his attention. See if that get a rise out of the jerk. In fact I actually would file a complaint.

Also you can contact the DMV yourself and report her as an unsafe driver, and they can require her to be evaluated by a senior driving specialist.

In the meantime, depending on your mom's personality you may have to wait until the DMV takes action and requires the senior driving test, which is so stressful because it feels like a crisis waiting to happen. Prior to my mom getting a DUI suspension, I couldn't disable the car or anything like that because she threatened to call the cops on me if I "touched her car".

Good luck. My patience has run out for seniors who still insist on driving when they are clearly not safe on the road. Their "independence" versus killing someone, well I'm OVER their "independence".

Needhelp2021.....when your mother starts in on all her requests(go to this store for this, another store for something else, just say no. There is a saying on the forum you may not have heard just yet.....
No is a complete sentence!! Sounds like you are doing the best you can about the car....and the nerve of her dr!!!! What is his dang problem??? Hang in there, read the book Boundaries by Thompson ( i think). Should help you. Also google FOG (fear,obligation, guilt). That will help as well. Big hugs to you. Liz

Pull a couple of spark plug wires from her car, so it won't run when she tries to drive it. That way it isn't because you told her not to drive, it's because the car's not running properly. Sometimes deflecting the blame to an inanimate object works better.

Sounds to me like it's time for your mother to get a NEW doctor. Immediately. It's unthinkable that he'd call HER to talk about your concerns with her driving! I'd be livid if it were me. And how would HE know if she does or doesn't have full blown DEMENTIA if he hasn't administered the proper cognition exam???? Seems like her doctor has an EGO that's a whole lot bigger than his brain. A 'lack of concentration' is ENOUGH of a reason not to drive. A person who's unable to concentrate won't realize there's a red light to stop at, or a person entering a crosswalk, or a stop sign ahead........or or or!

Your mother should certainly NOT be driving, for the numerous reasons mentioned in your post. If it were me, I'd hide her keys and offer to drive her if she needs to go somewhere. Who cares about the 'license' itself; it's just a piece of laminated paper. YOU have the power to keep her from driving by disabling the car if necessary so you're not rushing off to the hospital to see her in the ER after a horrible accident. If that makes you The Bad Daughter, so be it. It also makes her the Mother Who's Still Alive and/or Not Killing Others on the Road!

The elders want to keep driving, even when they know darn well they are no longer capable of it, because it's their last vestige of freedom & independence. Once they give that up, they may as well be dead, in their minds.

I suggest you get your mom to a neurologist or at least to a new PCP who can administer a MoCa cognition test to see where she's at on the dementia spectrum. The answers are scored and she's given a rating on a scale, so you'll know what you're dealing with, once and for all. Maybe she doesn't have dementia at all............but that still doesn't mean she should be driving!! Her eyesight issues alone make it too dangerous.

Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation; my condolences for all you're going through. It's not easy, I know.

My brother drove until, yes, a catastrophe happened. He lay there bleeding in the arms of his neighbor saying "I knew something was wrong". I was in another city, had no idea. I was the beginning of his diagnosis, and he and I both ended so happy that no one ELSE was injured or killed. I fear this is how it so often happens. When does your mother renew her license. She may be caught out with testing. Until then, with no diagnosis, I am afraid you are helpless, as is anyone else in her path, and your poor Mom herself.

Of course not!

She absolutely, most definitely should not be on the road to endanger others and herself.