My Uncle and cousins want my elderly mother to be a caregiver, how do I stop them from taking advantage of her?

You are correct that this is dreadful. The thing is, it is your Mother who is going to have to take the stand. You cannot stand for her.

I agree with Beatty about calling the hospital now. I even said that in one of my posts. They will discharge Uncle on the info cousins give. You need Discharge to understand that this will not happen. I really think they will be very understanding that an 85 yr old woman with Moms health problems cannot do the Care Uncle will need.

With ringing hands and much sorrow in my voice, i would let them know that your mom may have misled them. That she is not one to complain about her own condition. They need to forgive her. The truth is, she is not well herself. She is unable to drive an hour,much less change or bath her brother, cook, clean, do laundry, administer meds for someone else. I’m not sure what Mom was thinking to even consider it. Of course, she wishes she could help him but her health is fragile. Even if she came it would all soon fall part. Best for uncle to get all the help he can through rehab while you guys search for working age caregivers, who can deal with a 93 yr old with special needs. You will need three by the way. One for each 8 hours. You may need two at a time if he doesn’t get the rehab. When he’s better and Covid has settled down, we will see about getting mom over to visit him. Wishing you all the luck in finding caregivers this soon. I’m sorry if this slowed you down on your search. Our parents are so sweet to think they could manage on their own. Mom needs to enjoy this time in her life. She will be where uncle is soon enough. Sorry it didn’t work out the way you hoped. She’s got appointments of her own to see to and we really don’t want her out during Covid. I guess if she gets sick, uncle will say he will come take care of her. Can you imagine at their age. Gotta love um.

Then block their numbers on moms phone.

Their behavior is irrational and incredibly inconsiderate to you and your mother.

Call your cousins and tell them your mother cannot possibly care for her brother. No apology or explanation even needed.

Your cousins do not have to do the hands on caregiving.

They will hire someone because they will know that they aren’t able to take advantage of your mom.

Tell your mother that the situation is resolved and there is no need to be concerned because your cousins are going to hire qualified help or place him in a suitable facility.

By the way, your cousins have a lot of nerve expecting this from your mom!

Have you asked your mom if she completely understands what she will be required to do?

Going through a day might help her to see that this is really more then any one person can handle and he really needs to go to rehabilitation to get as strong as possible.

I would be calling my cousins and uncle myself and telling them that he needs to go get as strong as possible with rehab before they ask your mom to take on the work of a village.

You need to advocate for your mom right now and protect her from this insane decision that your uncle and cousins have made. They can do what they want but only if it doesn't include her.

Marcie, I wouldn't wait for those cousins to call you before saying no. I'd phone the hospital direct. Get someone with authority regarding discharge (Nurse in charge or Social Worker). Ensure they note Uncle's file: Your Mom will NOT be collecting Uncle. Will not be taking him to his home. Or her home. Will not be providing any hands-on care.

I have found myself named as discharge ride home (without even being asked). Another time noted as 'providing overnight supervision' again without permission.

I ensure the hospital has the true picture now. Better for all. Then they can make accurate discharge plans.

So if I am understanding what you wrote, you say your uncle among other things, can't walk. So that means he's bedridden. My husband could no longer walk and remained bedridden in our living room under Hospice care for 22 months. How is your mom going to change his diapers by herself, without hurting herself? There's no way an 85 year old woman with her own health issues is going to be able to look after her bedridden brother. Someone(you) needs to make that perfectly clear to his children. It's outrages that they would even contemplate having your mom do that. Mind blowing actually.

He may qualify for Hospice care in the home, but other than a nurse coming once a week for 30 minutes and an aide coming twice a week to bathe him, the rest of his care would still fall on his children. Realistically his children need to be talking to the hospital social worker, about having him placed in a nursing facility. That is much easier done, when the person is still in the hospital, as Medicare will cover the facility when going right from the hospital, and if he has money, he should be able to be placed in a facility of his choice.

I am assuming this Uncle is her brother. Your Mom is not responsible to care for him. That responsibility lies with his children. If they don't want to care for him physically then they need to set up someone else to do the care.

I am with rearly real. I bet Mom thinks it is just cleaning and cooking. Is she aware diapers may be involved and cleaning him up. Giving him a bedbath. I am 71 and this would be hard for me to do. What if he soils the sheets. Does she have the strength to roll him and change the bedding. Ask Mom after explaining all this if she really feels she can do it. If she says no, then you be her voice. You call these cousins and ask them how they think an 85 year old, with her own health problems, is going to care for a 93 year old MAN who is not her husband. Tell them you have told your Mom what is involved in caring for her brother and you both agree that she cannot physically do it nor should they have asked it of her. If u make enemies so be it. They seem to be self-centered anyway.

If Mom says yes after this explanation, I would wonder if there is some cognitive decline. I would then take it upon myself to say, no your not Mom. There is no way you can do this and not effect your health and safety. I bet in the end, she will be glad u spoke up for her since she is passive. You do the calling at this point.

You may want to call the hospital and talk to a Social Worker and tell her the cousins plans for Dads care. Explain that Mom is 85 with problems of her own. That expecting her to be Uncles caregiver is releasing him unsafely. If they cannot set up care in the home, he will just have to gonto rehab.

Really, where are these peoples brains. If Dad is 93 they are in their 60/70s. If they don't want to do the care, how do they think an 85 yr old is going to do it. Poor Mom. My husband has an Aunt who would have said yes and she can just about move with her arthritis. Again, in this instance you have a right to step in.

Please come back and tell us how this turns out.

If this was my Mom, the decision would not be hers in this situation. The writing is on the wall. It will not work out. Not sure if I could be a nice to my cousins as 97 posted. My first words would have been "Are you nuts thinking my 85 yr old Mom can take care of a 93 yr old MAN and all that goes with it". 😁

Thanks everyone for the advice, want to give an update so my Mom told them she can't be a full time caregiver, my cousins reaction was angry, Mom agreed to stay for 1 week and thats it though I was against it, made it clear that they need to take care of Uncle.

Then she was being pressured by my cousin to stay through Christmas which she said was impossibe and stuck with it, Cousin was upset, he picked Uncle from the hospital and brought him back to his home where he stayed 1 week with him, then he left my Mom came to visit.
Mom says Uncle was unappreciative, no heat on in 20 degree weather, my Mom had to wear her coat to bed because he refused to put the heat on, she also spent over $150 on groceries since he had no food. Uncle is wealthy, my Mom isn't. I felt this was intentional abuse, He also made digs at her through her visit.

His other son came over to take over from my Mom, he took no precautions for COVID after flying in from a high risk state,,My Mom left, now we're told Uncle is going to sons house to stay for 1 month. Not sure what will happen after that but my Mom made it clear she won't go back.