My husband and I have been living with my mother for 6 years. Initially, we moved in because my husband was laid off at 62 years old and unable to regain employment. Over the past 4 years, my mothers health and cognitive abilities have declined and at 96 she is no longer able to live alone.
I have an older sister who lives 45 minutes away and tells me there is no free lunch. I live here for free, so I shouldn’t complain that we have given up our lives and all privacy to care for my mother. I’ve been called a bloodsucker by my sister.
I'm still working part time as a chef from 4-7 pm, and physically, it’s beating me up. My body hurts every night when I come home. At 67, I would like to not have to work, but my husband and I only have our social security each month and no savings.
We can’t afford to move, so as far as my sister is concerned, this is the price we pay for not having savings for retirement.
I'm exhausted and my husband is resentful. He thinks my mother should pay us since we can never leave her alone. I take her to all of her appointments, I clean the house, cook dinner for her before I go to work and help her with personal needs. For the most part, my mother is still able to bathe and dress herself.
I'm tired, I have no privacy, my marriage is stressed and I feel like I’m stuck.
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Ours sounds like a situation similar to your own, (i also worked part-time into my 70's), but we were fortunate to be supported by more positive attitudes. my husband used to say, "You have to live somewhere." My siblings knew how expensive hired in-home help would have been and were delighted we did not have to arrange that. My father was delighted to be able to stay in his own home. For our family, this was a very successful arrangement.
I am just being snarky when I say that, but it would not be unreasonable for your mom to pay you $1,000 a month for the care that you provide. Your sister is correct...there is no free meal. That means your mom doesn't get free care. Her care would cost more than your rent.
x4
”After some research we’ve learned the cost of live in caregiving comes at a value of apr 12,000 per month
12,000 - 2,000 for rent we arrived at what the monthly cost will be 10,000
they don’t have to charge the same as the going rate but they could say “however we’re understanding of the strains this puts so we’re willing to provide the help at a mere 7,000 ( or whatever) amount
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You buy groceries, cleaning supplies and paper products. Well, there are 3 people in the house and I know from experience that it costs less to feed 1 person when adding it to the grocery bill of 2.
Yet you pay no rent, no utilities or property taxes or homeowners insurance and you seem to think that you shouldn't pay rent because your mom paid for her home in full. Oh and you enjoyed the benefit of a cleaning lady that your mom paid for until covid shut that down less then a year ago.
You moved in when you were in need and she allowed that, I promise you that she felt like she didn't have any privacy when she opened her home to you and your husband in your hour of need. It is not easy on anyone to have other people move into their home, I don't care how helpful they are, it is a huge deal.
I think that your sister has a bit of a point and you should look at the years that you took your mom's help and didn't have to do anything but buy groceries, paper products and cleaning supplies. If you even did that in the beginning.
You really have benefited greatly from her graciousness in allowing you and your husband to live in her home free of charge for years before she needed a helping hand, it is time for a little pay back for all she did for you two when you were in dire need.
Look, once you move in with a parent, you take on the responsibility of their health decline. I agree with you, it's not easy!! But, if I wasn't paying bills here, I'd definitely been able to save a little nest egg. This however, is what family does for family. Mom is 96? I know your burn out, I am too. But, life is limited and your mom won't be with you that long. Unlike your sister, you will have the memories with your mother. I pray you find resolution. It sounds like a fair trade of to me!! Take care & good care of mom! Kelly
When someone requires live in care there cannot be any “rent” - iow one cannot say “well the live in caregiver gets room and board so that counts towards ( or as) compensation”
Similarly even IF it were allowed ( it’s not but a hypothetical) the cost of live in full time caregiving would far outweigh the cost of “rent”— the op could deduct the cost of rent from the cost of full time live in caregiving to appease the bully sister— I.e. “after deducting for rent, the monthly compensation will be paid at x amount
What will you and your hubby do when mom passes away?
If I was in this situation, I would start working on that plan - because it could become a reality any day. Talk and work with your hubby on this while also caring for your mom.
I'm in one of the more expensive regions in the country, and they live in one of the more elite cities within it. That said, the going rate for a room, even there, would be at max $1,500/month.
That's about what the average SS benefit is for one person; you have two and you also have your income.
It goes beyond that. When we said no, fmil threw her fit but eventually they got a lady to stay with her and ffil overnights and on weekends. The lady is only paid $4 over county minimum wage, but she works--get this--over 120 hours a week. Her monthly cost is $9,500.
They also employed Brother's Wife as a day-shift person/overall manager at 50 hours a week. They are paying her $7,000 month.
So that's $16,500. You could rent an entire estate for that, even here. It is certainly more than $1,500. The costs would be about half that were they to go into assisted living.
SS for two people plus your income should be able to get you an apartment, and that will then balance the scales with you and sister as well as restore some space for you and DH.
Having said that - what's stopping your husband getting work of some sort, sorry? You explained that he was unable to regain employment, but surely if you can put in 3 hours a day then purely for the sake of fair shares he's had time to think of *something* remunerative he can do?
I told him that I was going to steal his line.
It’s worth repeating!
Those who don’t do, preach!
They don’t do anything but sit on the sidelines and PREACH to the ones who are doing all of the heavy lifting of caregiving!
For anyone that doesn’t know how hard caregiving is because they have never done it should walk a mile in their shoes!
Let the sister on the sidelines take a turn doing the ‘hands on’ caregiving and she would soon be singing a different tune!
How do I know? Well, I was the heavy lifting, hard working, completely exhausted caregiver, while my brothers sat on the sidelines doing nothing!
I had mom living with me for 15 long years!
Mom wanted her way with everything. She wasn’t willing to compromise. I burned out!
Moms complain to other siblings with embellished stories! Siblings do not bother to get the whole story because they want to remain the ‘golden’ child!
When it gets to that point it is time for compromise from mom or quit caregiving and let the ‘spectators who are only good at criticism’ take over!
My brother didn’t have a clue what caregiving was all about until I dumped it in his lap because he didn’t like how I was handling things.
You better believe now my brother is seeing what I went through. I am sure that he and wife #4 are sorry they ever said a bad word about me because it all blew up in their face, backfired big time!
My mom’s doctors told me over and over what a great job I did caring for mom. That’s all the proof that I needed!
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