Family member won't bathe, falls to get attention, just plain ignorant. What can I do?

I am sorry, but a UTI cannot wait 2 weeks for testing.

But if Mum is only 49 and acting this way I would assume there are some significant mental health issues at play. The only adult I have known who pooped on the floor to get attention needed several months in a mental hospital and medication to get her behaviour under control.

I wish you luck getting this sorted.

Please get her into a mental facility. Her behavior is not that of a normal, cognizant person, and she deserves better than to be yelled at or ignored for a month at a time. Her needs are beyond what you are able to provide, so it's time for her to go where she can get the care she requires, and you can have your life back to do with as you please.

The sheriff won’t come and pick her up. If you have to, take her to the ER. Refuse to take her home. Give her over to state custody. Another alternative is call Adult Protective Services. Discuss with them having the state take custody’s that you can’t have her in your home.

The sheriff won’t just pick her up. They will need an order from a judge. The UTI needs to be checked like last week. It could make a huge diff if that’s the problem. Are you sure she isn’t on drugs or alcohol? Is she supposed to be on medication? Check to be sure she is taking it properly.
She will know something’s up the minute you decide. Secure your valuables.
You have nothing to gain by putting this off. If she’s taking something she shouldn’t be, she has to stop or leave. If she’s not taking something she’s supposed to, she has to start or leave. Keep it simple. You and her brother need to sit with her together and be a united front and explain the rules to live in your house. No two weeks to think it over. Start with the UTI.

SHE'S 49??????????????????

That changes everything, I know a woman who had a baby at 48! She's really got you coming and going and there is some significant mental losses here--whatever she may say.

She could EASILY live for 40 more years--or more. You've got to stop this NOW.

I thought my 90 yo mother and MIL were difficult--and they are, but they are very elderly and very, very needy. At 49 your mom should be totally independent or at the very least, able to function in a combined living situation.

You don't put your foot down NOW, the problem is going to grow much worse, gosh, I feel so bad for you!

I think it is time for Assisted Living or another living situation. Hygiene is very important and can affect ones heath. Did she have a mental health evaluation? I would contact her primary for a referral. She obviously needs professional help. Good luck.

Thank you for giving us more information.
Has your mom ever been diagnosed as bipolar or schizophrenic or any other disorder?
Here is a link that might be helpful.
https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/browse-by-state/north-carolina

In some states the Baker Act allows for a 72 hour hold where an individual is evaluated. You need an order to do this from a magistrate or county judge. It does not require a lawyer. Look over the details on this link and see if it is helpful.
The law (sheriff) will come to pick her up and take her to the proper facility where hopefully she could be tested for the UTI and see a psychiatrist. You could call your sheriffs department on a no emergency line and ask them which judge in your county writes these orders.

Is she on disability through Social Security?

Someone needs to see what the problem is before you will know how to help her. It will not get better on it’s on.

it’s very difficult to do what you are doing. You have my sympathy. There is little mental health help in our country but there is some. You will need to say she is a danger to herself or others in most cases. Don’t give up. You need to find a way to get her out of your house for everyone’s benefit including hers.
Let us know what you find or what you have done to get her help. We truly learn from one another.

Am I reading your reply to me correctly that this person is 49 years of age?
Is it possible that Assisted Living would be an option? Or a Group Home? If the age is correct then it might be difficult to get into AL but it would be worth a try if a Group Home is not an option.
If this person is living in your home then a "sit down meeting" is in order. Explain that what is going on is not acceptable and if it continues they will have to find other living arrangements. You may have to legally evict this person. the County Court has all the papers that you need to file and the fee is nominal.

If your situation has now reached the point where you and your family want her out, then she has to go. Start looking at nursing homes for her. Let her know you're doing this too. The reasoning has to be that if she refuses to bathe and continues to instigate fights and discord then she will not be living in your house anymore. Meanwhile look around for a nursing home. I would tell you not to even try to find an assisted living facility for her. Find a nursing home for her because if she has to go on Medicaid at some point (and likely will), it does not pay for an AL and you'll run into problems when she has to transition out of the AL to a higher level of care in a nursing home. In the meantime, when she starts up with creating her bit of medical drama to get everyone's attention, do the opposite. Completely ignore when that's starting up. When she's looking to instigate a fight or get everyone going, walk away and ignore her. Make sure everyone else in the home does too because she'll start looking for allies (even your kids) that she can complain to. They need to know to completely ignore her as well. She'll stop when her behavior doesn't bring the attention she's used to getting from it. Ignore her the same way you would ignore a child having a tantrum. Don't give them attention because it will get worse time after time. As for the refusal to bathe or shower, make it clear that bathing and hygiene is required to live in your house or she will have to leave.

What is your LO being treated for? What led to her being moved into your home?
How old is she?

Is this behavior new? She should be checked for a UTI.
Do that first. UTI’s can cause increased dementia symptoms.

Yes, if your loved one has dementia, that can be very disruptive to a household.

It is always good to be mindful of how we respond to those that are ill and disadvantaged in front of impressionable children.

Not everyone is cut out to deal with what you describe.

Is there a reason she hasn’t been assessed for placement where she could get the help she needs?

Falling on purpose alone would be reason to have her assessed. Lack of proper hygiene and the falling might indicate her dementia is progressing. She needs to see a geriatric primary if possible.

As the daughter of a mom who faked SO many illnesses, I grew to be very leery of any and all 'conditions' mother had.

She'd fall, also, but in a way that was 'comfortable'..so when she fell and it was serious nobody checked on her, or bothered to look and see if she were truly on the floor or wherever. (Crying wolf!)

She'd insists she'd been vomiting non stop for days, yet upon checking, the emesis basin was not only DRY it was DUSTY.

Yes, your LO could be experiencing a UTI, and we always check for THOSE with mother, but usually, her illnesses were ways to get out of what she didn't want to do, or get people to pay attention to her.

She lives with my YB and his family. He's pretty off hand with her, but one thing that she HAS to do is shower 3-4 times a week. She knows when she quits her hygiene, she's moving to a NH, so she's been good about that.

Mom will complain to me that it takes her 'half a day' to shower, do her hair, etc., but as I pointed out to her, what else does she have going on? Didn't a hot shower feel GOOD? Clean hair? I'm slower now than I was 40 years ago--we all are!

You are right. She is showing a bad side of aging to your kids and being difficult in the search to get attention. Does she live with you? If not, don't move her in! You can use this as a teaching tool for your kids about how to age with some dignity. My kids all look to my MIL as a cautious warning of 'angry aging'.

You do not give any details about any medical conditions.
Does this person have dementia of any type?
Has this person been the type to do whatever it takes to get attention for as long as you know?
Is this person cognizant?
Most "good" aids can get a person that is usually unwilling to shower into a shower or bath. Or at least do a good sponge or bed bath.
Is this person afraid of falling in the shower? Is the shower easy for them to get in and out of?
Is it possible that this person would do better in Memory Care of Assisted Living?

You are looking at mental changes. Are they sudden? Maybe a UTI if so. Are they gradual? Perhaps looking at some dementia or mental illness. Time for a complete mental and physical workup with the family MD.