Compassion fatigue, any advice?

Having a 'moral obligation' to care for your mother does NOT mean you have to care for her inside of your home, at the expense of your health, your job, and your mental state of mind.

My mother is like a 5 year old and always has been; same as your mother in that she went from her parents home to her husbands home, and was coddled her whole life, never had to pay a bill or make any decisions except what pair of shoes looked best with which outfit. She even stopped driving b/c it made her 'too nervous' and when my father developed a brain tumor & could no longer drive, she put her foot down even harder & refused to do a single thing to help him.

Long story short, I placed both of them in Assisted Living after dad fell and broke a hip in Independent Living. The rehab would not release him back to IL, even under the pretense that mother would 'care for him'. So Assisted Living it was, which turned out to be a huge godsend for both of them, AND for me, their only child.

My dad passed away shortly after the move to AL, and my mother is still alive, at almost 94, and still living in the same AL, but in the Memory Care bldg nowadays. She's fine...........why? Because she's taken care of by others. It's perfect. I pay all her bills, make all her decisions, buy all of her supplies, clothing, make doctor arrangements, hospitals, you name it, I do it. But from 4 miles away.

I maintain MY life while she has HER life 4 miles away. I'm still 'caring for' my mother, just not inside of my home. When dad was on his deathbed and asked me to take care of mom, I agreed, and I'm still doing so............some 5.5 years later.

Right from the very beginning I let it be known that NO ELDERS would be moving in with me. And they haven't. Make up YOUR mind now and figure out how to get your mother out of YOUR house and into an apartment in either Independent Living or Assisted Living. She'll be fine b/c you can manage her life FOR her, like I do, but she won't have to live WITH you while you do it.

Take your life back, my friend. You deserve to. You CAN care for mom AND yourself at the same time. Make it happen!

I hate the moral obligation argument. You are morally obligated to make sure she is getting the best care. That is not always in your home. Sometimes when you place a loved one in a facility you realize that you were not capable of giving them that kind of care. My Mom passed away last month at 93 from dementia. She was placed in a wonderful facility for the last 2 years. They did for her what I was not capable of doing. I was able to visit with her and enjoy her instead of being exhausted and drained and miserable. I was able to have long visits and holiday meals with her and she enjoyed it too. Don’t let anyone guilt you with the moral obligation statement. Do what’s best for you and your mother and you. If you are exhausted you are not capable of giving appropriate care. Best of luck to you and take care.

I was you. I had mom in my home. It’s life changing.

Lealonnie’s post is excellent! She and many other posters gave me the same advice, “Take your life back.”

You will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders when you surrender caring for your mom.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

Leslie - Read your last paragraph over again and pretend that someone else wrote it. What would you tell that person? I cared for a lady who every time I gave an inch, she took a mile. Every time. I feel that I will never recover and that I will be essentially useless to those who might need me in the future. Please don't put yourself in that situation where your current situation is so draining that future situations (of your choosing) would be jeopardized. I didn't know that compassion fatigue was even a thing, but I think I suffered from it - just as you are. I feel like so much has been taken from me and that's not what caregiving should be about. It's not about the other person stealing your time, energy, and sense of self.

Well now both you and your sister have discovered that living with mom is more than you both can deal with. And that's ok. Mom shouldn't be living with either of you anyway. You deserve to be living the life you envisioned, when your last child left the nest, and mom needs to be put in an assisted living facility with folks her own age, where she can finally learn how to live her life on her own. She may just find that she actually likes living on her own, and doing what she wants, when she wants. You owe your mother nothing!!! I know you think that you have some kind of "moral obligation" to care for her, but really your only obligation is to care for yourself. If you don't make some changes with mom, you will be the one needing to be cared for. So please, take care of yourself, and find a plan C for mom(sister was plan A, you're plan B). Best wishes.

If you collapse, who will take care of your mother?
You may want to consider other options before that happens.
I was bedridden after two months of my mother in my home. It was IMPOSSIBLE to continue. I don’t understand why people guilt others into what was their choice for THEIR LO. Not every LO has the same needs and challenges.
Colleen

I am so sorry for what you are feeling - it is quite normal and I think you realize YOU must look out for YOU now as the first priority. Once someone develops behaviors and needs that negatively impact you and your own life and safety and sanity, there is NO choice. That person must be placed no matter what the relationship was/is. This is YOUR time of life - don't lose it. And if you lose your job, then who takes care of you. Please do something now to remove this burden off your shoulders.......you need peace and a life and you can't wait. Act now, please, before it is too late.

The moral obligation that you AND your sibling(s) have to your mother is care: to make sure that her needs for safety are met, to make sure that her needs for health are met, and to make sure that all of you stay healthy (physically and mentally and emotionally) to be able to make decisions for her when she can not.

If caring your mother is beyond your abilities, then it is time to consider other options. Talk with your sibling(s) about other options: home health care aides while mom is awake and cared for in a set aside place in a family member's home, senior or assisted living (if she has the resources and ability to care for herself with a little help), or long term care residential facility if she needs a lot of her care met by others. Also have your sibling(s) help you with researching resources (home health care agencies, apartments, LTC) in your own respective communities. Many times care is less expensive - and more do-able - in one community than another in another province or state.

Caring for a parent is about making sure he/she is safe and healthy, not necessarily about providing the care yourself.

Dear Leslie, I've edited my post as I was typing over lealonnie's. So this is somewhat repetative but I agree wholeheartedly with her. In your current mental state, this is not a healthy situation. What is your mom's health, her medical condition? Does she need help with some daily living activities or is she still pretty independent? When someone reaches the stage of resentment in their caregiving, like you say you have, they become insensitive to the needs of their LO. So it's a loose, loose. Compassion fatigue is said to be the negative cost of caring. It is burnout on steroids. You may feel that you have an obligation to care for your mom but that doesn't mean caring for her in your home nor at the expense of your health. Caring for her could simply mean providing for her care wherever that may be. You have a right to the life you want to live and she has the right to live in safety and dignity. It's time to look for a new home for mom. Assisted living can provide that. Your local Area Agency on Aging or your state Dept of Aging can give you some help. Agencies like A Place for Mom can help find a place. Give them a call.

Omg...u sound just like me!...I don't have any advice but thank u so very much for sharing ur feelings on this. Prayers r being sent ur way.