Elderly Parents, Poor Decisions. Is this unavoidable?

You are at the caregiving stage of "waiting for the disaster to happen". As daughteror1930 said "events will happen that will make the decisions for you." My nurse friend who worked with the elderly said "As long as they are competent they are allowed to make their own decisions, even bad ones." So, do what you can make things safe for them but realize that they are likely to undo all your work and ignore your pleas. But the other part of this is drawing hard boundaries on how much you are willing to do for them to keep them in their home. Most of us start out doing small tasks, and then the tasks get bigger and more frequent, until finally, it is a constant to-do list and caregiving role that can't be sustained. The parent thinks they are living "independently" but they are not. DO NOT DO THIS. Learn from my mistakes. Do not put yourself in harm's way during Covid. If they are out and about in the stores, hairdresser, etc let them know that you cannot and will not be helping them or by to see them because you do not want to be infected. Put a little pressure on them in that way. Don't try to convince them that they must keep themselves safe, try to convince them that they must keep you safe. You are at one of the hardest stages in this journey - knowing that the current situation is a disaster waiting to happen, and wondering if each phone call is the disaster.

I read a lot of comments here that mom or dad doesn’t have dementia but left the stove on, got lost driving and so on.

I think the term is Executive Reasoning. Or lack of. My mom didn’t have dementia, could pass most cognitive tests, knew time, date, place, current events but would fall for phone scams, refused any outside help, would not use her walker and thought dads driving was just fine (OMG!!)

Its that no mans land of legally competent but for all practical matters a train wreck. I traveled that horrible road with my folks for years until the crisis that forced the issue.

A wise social worker friend told me years ago “events will happen that will make the decisions for you” I had to wait a very long time for the events, but they are inevitable. People age, their bodies and capabilities decline, and rotten things happen. My dad had end stage CHF for years. He wasn’t about to change his diet to accommodate it, he’d much prefer to make jokes and laugh it off, and in truth, who am I to say he was wrong? Your parents will have things happen, falls are coming, and at some point they’ll be forced to make changes. The only thing you need to get forceful about is driving, have their doctor evaluate that and make a recommendation. I wish you well, it’s not fun watching the decline and questionable decision making

My cousin's sister Bernie was the worst of the worst when it came to making Bad Decisions. She was 81 years old and still insisted on........WASHING HER FEET IN THE SINK every night!!!! Yup. Picture this: teetering on one leg, she'd lift the other leg up, grab her foot and stick it in the sink! Scrub it with soap and water, rinse, and repeat with the other foot. The very thought of me trying to do that at 63 turns my hair even grayer.

No amount of reasoning, talking, bribing, cajoling on earth could talk Bernie out of washing her feet in the sink every night.

After she fell and broke her arm in 3 places one night after washing her feet in the sink, she proceeded to go downhill very quickly and passed away a month later.

Moral of the story: you can't save a person from herself. Sad but true.

Xena...climbing a ladder to spread a tarp on the ROOF 2 weeks after having major back surgery makes Bernie's story look like a fairy tale.

First answer to this is what you are referring to are life habits, especially if you've lived in the same house for several years and it's a small house, you store your stuff high in closets, on the tops shelves, in the attic, etc... on shelving in the garage. And with dad getting on the roof, he's probably done it many many times over the years, the old saying "old habits die hard". There's also a pride factor of not wanting to ask for help, and from what I've seen usually help is not readily available and people don't want to wait a week to get the vegetable oil off the top shelf in the kitchen just so they can fix one dinner or get the antenna on the roof moved, they also don't want to hear that someone has complained they had to help them.

Through my caregiving experience I took consideration of how my parent would feel about day to day life and getting through each day, and how I would feel in the same position because most of us will be some day, and I offered the help before it was needed. A critical thinker will evaluate their storage needs to get what they need regularly on a lower level, maybe see if they'd like to donate some things they're not using since a lot of families now are having a hard time do to this pandemic and don't have funds to even take care of Christmas for their kids, that may be a motivator to declutter, if not come spring maybe a garage sale would be a motivator to clear some things out and get storage on lower ground. Also ladies and their hairdresser and dads and their barbers it can be like family, I'd leave that alone. I would address all issues with them respectfully and with great forethought. Seniors are wise(r) whether you want to admit that or not, they've seen far more than we have, I have seen many family members over the years sit, watch, listen and calculate, they simply are evaluating whether the other person in the room or the topic is worth the extra effort, don't ever make assumptions on any seniors, everyone's life experience is different just because you reach a certain age does not mean you are unaware, money gets tight sometimes, and some things are sentimental and sometimes it just hurts to move simple as that.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

I like to call it stubbornness! My mom was very stubborn when she lived with me. She had to have everything her way.

They feel that they are still the boss and don’t want anyone telling them what is best.

I admire independent thinkers. I really do but when a person reaches a certain age and can no longer be totally independent, they have a responsibility to rely on others for help for all concerned.

As you say, their independent nature wrecks havoc in all of our lives.

The problem is, we can’t force them to comply and do what is best for everyone.

I can relate. I tried for 2 years to tell my parents they needed more help, their house wasn’t safe, they weren’t eating well, they weren’t cleaning well, their behavior wasn’t safe, dad was wasting money writing checks to every charity and buying subscriptions to every magazine. Fell on deaf ears. 18 months ago they finally agreed to a monthly housecleaning. A panicked phone call in April 2019 saying my dad didn’t remember how to file taxes was when they agreed for me to handle their finances. 6 months later, a crisis with my daughter’s health meant I had to leave the state for a week and scramble to find someone to check on them daily. I wrote a 4 page letter to them on the plane explaining why they should move to AL. They read it...multiple times...apologized profusely...and then refused to move after I’d made all the arrangements. Mom started falling and they finally allowed me to put grab bars in the bathroom and remove their wobbly glass-topped coffee table. A few months later I got a call from the police department of a town 20 miles away that my father had driven there and didn’t know where he was or how to get home. So they finally agreed to 12 hrs a week of in-home help so that they wouldn’t need to get out in the car without me. After a month, they were both hospitalized twice within a 4 week period and I had to ramp up to 24/7 care with 2 hrs notice. When I got the first bill and realized it would cost $20,000/month to allow them to safely remain in their home with 24/7 care (when mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, home maintenance, food factored in) I finally said NO MORE. As a single woman, trying to keep my full-time job while dealing with all this stress on my own (yes, like most other people on here I have siblings who do nothing), I couldn’t do it anymore. Got the PoA in effect and moved them without any further justification or discussion into MM together. My mom complains. My dad is relieved. My life is much improved, though I’m now spending most of my free time cleaning out their house, managing their mail, money, etc. I’m angry at their refusal to take steps years ago that could have prevented these crises...or at least mitigated them to some degree. But yes, you will finally reach that “point of no return” where there are no longer any other options. I have vowed I WILL NOT DO THIS TO MY KIDS. They’re only in their 20’s, but I’ve written them all a letter that says what signs to look for that my life is starting to become unmanageable by me alone. And to talk to me BEFORE it reaches crisis proportions about what needs to be done. And if I refuse to listen, then to take out my letter and show it to me and remind me of what I don’t want to put them through. And hopefully I will still be cogent enough to comply with their suggestions of how to move forward safely and logically. What you are experiencing is the tip of the iceberg and you need to try as hard as you can to get them to see what lies down the road and convince them to get into a safe situation ASAP.

You're right, they are making poor decisions. Unfortuneatly your trying to convince them otherwise won't work. They think they're still 35. One thing that may help is to change all the lights to LEDs. There will be no reason to change a burned out light, the lamps will outlive them both. Your dad reminds me of mine. He was pretty much a tightwad and wouldn't pay for anything that he thought he could do.

Driving is especially a problem. It sounds like they both still have all their faculties and are functioning pretty well. However, age alone reduces one's reaction time, judgment and visual perception. Does the AL facility provide transportation for its residents? You might want to try to sell them on utilizing the facility's transportation as much as possible.

Unless they’ve been professionally assessed, don’t count on them being 95% intact. Doesn’t sound that way from your post.

This is so difficult! Why don't they just do the right thing?? They are doing such risky things and thinking they are totally fine, etc. etc.

IF they really have their marbles, then, I guess you can just kind of throw your hands up and walk away? Sure. How can you do that? Don't ask me cuz I'm in a similar boat. Ready to explode due to my mom not wanting to do what she needs to do to be a success story after her surgery.

I guess the only thing that you might need to intervene in is the driving. It seems like they should not be driving. People are too stubborn for their own good. I guess we can all have an accident at any time. Has your mom always done these poor driving skills and not had an accident? Just dumb luck?

So sorry that you're dealing with so much crap!