Is the end near?

Hi AbbyRose,
i am so sorry that you are going thru this. I don’t know if this will help but I too am going through having had to make the horrible choice to “hopefully” respect my mother’s wishes and allow her to possibly pass away. My mother contracted Covid and her symptoms were worsening confusion (she is now considered advanced Alzheimer’s even though a month ago she was moderate) and refusal to eat, drink or take meds. Her dr at the hospital initially thought by getting a court order to give her IV fluids with antipsychotics would bring her back to how she was a month ago. So I agreed since she could not express any wish to pass. Sadly all the IV fluids did was allow her to voice her desire to pass (as per her doctor). So I told them to respect her wishes and take out the IV and make her as comfortable as possible even if this will hasten her passing away. It has broken my heart and there is guilt that perhaps I should fight for her to survive with IV fluids, maybe her dementia is not allowing her to express that she wants to live. But she can eat or drink if she wants. I have to pray that I am doing the right thing by allowing her body to do what it wants either to somehow recover or slowly pass away. She is on a wait list for palliative care. Like you I am filled with guilt, grief and anxiety. I have never been more afraid of my phone ringing. I don’t leave the house for fear they need to reach me and I am out. I am trying to leave this in the hands of God that she will not suffer and whatever her soul truly wants is what will happen. Due to Covid I cannot visit her. Although I did once at the request of her dr with the hope that me being her daughter could convince her to eat and drink or at least explain why she is refusing. Sadly for the 1st time ever she did not know me. Me being with her only increased her agitation.
again know that you are not alone. I am praying for you and am in a similar terrifying, sad situation. All I can I think is perhaps this fear, stress and anxiety is being given to us so that when our loved one does pass we feel more relief then deep grief. Relief that they are no longer suffering.
you are not alone I am here with you.

all the best to you.

Abby Rose, at 78 I think I only DREAD one thing, and that is the fear of being made to go on in a torturous misery because others cannot let me go. I have written and explained to all family about the most solid advanced directive you ever saw, that because of what I as a nurse have seen. I have refused any even discussion of dialysis for me, no artificial feedings either intravenous or tube, and about anything else you can imagine. I have a POLST hanging in my home, done in my doc's office with her.
My own experience with the death of my Mom 92, father 96, brother 85 was that basically, after they passed into peace I left the room and took a huge breath and knew I was relieved. That they had never to walk the walk of fear and torture again. That I never had to witness their terrible losses again. That I never had to be fearful for them again. That I could celebrate the great love they gave me, the wonderful lives they lived, knowing they were at peace.
Not everyone has witnessed what nurses and doctors do witness with end of life. So not everyone looks on death as deliverance in many cases. But I hope you will have at least SOME peace. In many cases families are left begging for peace, and their loved ones as well. I hope that your mention of "comfort care" means hospice, I hope you have a GOOD one, and they will help you as you walk this sad walk with the one you love. I am so sorry.

Abby, I’m so sorry. My mother had a devastating brain bleed stroke that robbed her of most everything. She lived for four years in a completely debilitating condition. As much as I didn’t want to lose her as we were so very close, it was beyond terrible to witness the life she had to endure. Many days I prayed for her torture to end and her to be at peace. As for grief, it’s very much like you lose them twice, once with the stroke and again when they actually pass away. The grief is a repetitive cycle, coming in waves. You’re doing all the right steps and it’s normal to feel numb. I felt that for a long time. Your mother is blessed to have you following what you know are her wishes. I wish you both peace and comfort

When my cherished Mom was passing, my family took turns being with her, and it was my aunt’s unfortunate responsibility one day when I was at work, to let me know that the Hospice professionals were fairly certain that it was time.

When I got to the NH she had been bathed and dressed in a soft flannel robe, and was lying on her right side, warm and at peace for the first time in what seemed like months, but had been only a couple weeks.

As I sat beside her with my back to the door, I was flooded with the feeling that my dad had come for her. He was wearing his tweed suit, and smelled as always of Lifebuoy Soap and Old Spice aftershave.

She passed that night. When I learned that she was easing away, I had been filled with dread, but sitting with her hand in mi e for the last time had brought me to a sense of consolation and peace that I had never anticipated when I had learned that her struggle was reaching its end.

I hope you will find a similar Peace in your heart as the days draw closer to your Dearest Friend’s passing. I imagine from your love for her, that she would want you to know that she wants the same for you now, as before.

Blesssings-

I never realized just how low, frail and dependent many people become by the end of life until I experienced it - I'm holding you and your mother in my thoughts and hoping she may be granted for a brief and peaceful passing.

Oh Abby! How sad.

We went through something like this with my mom, who was in a NH and sllllloooooowwwwly declining with Vascular Dementia over the course of 4 1/2 years. She fell, broke her wrist and when she was returned to the ER, she was a shell. She was mostly asleep, didn't want food and developed a horrible expression of pain on her face. Sitting at her bedside was torture, as the pain med she was on was not helping. And since she couldnt speak, there was no way to tell what she was feeling. Talking to her doc who was fortunately in the facility at the time this was happening, he said "why isnt she on Hospice?".

It was clear at that point that we were talking about the end of the road and I was both saddened and relieved that she was going to be out of pain if they used morphine.

Truly with dementia, we lose our loved ones twice.

Abby, sit with her, hold her hand and play her favorite music if you are allowed to be by her side. (((((Hugs)))))

Sorry you are having to deal with this at this time of year AND during a pandemic.
You are doing the right thing for your mom.
She may do well for a time so to answer the basic question "Is the end near"? It depends on what you call the end. I am going to assume that she is not showing "classic" signs of EOL (End of Life) so she could do well for weeks or months.
I am sure the facility and Hospice will let you knw when she shows any signs. Although there is the possibility as you know that she may have a stroke that will take her life.
What you are experiencing with the feelings of numbness, sadness being anxious are all normal. They are all parts of the grief that you are going through. To make the decision to place her on Hospice was the right one, She will get special care from the Hospice Team. And you will get support as well. (ask them if they have Tap Cloud or other form of communication for you to be able to keep posted as to moms condition. It is a fantastic program. (There's an App for that!😉) Also know that the Hospice Team includes a Social Worker and a Chaplain so if you need to talk those services are available for YOU.
((hugs)) to you and your mom.