How can I get mom to stand up for me and my husband? We've been taking care of her for the last 4 yrs since other family will not.

You ask "How can I get Mom to stand up for me and my husband".
The sad truth is that we can't get others to do ANYTHING they don't want to do.
There is a lot on your plate and I am so sorry for that. You have been through a lot, and it seems you are entering into a time of recognition that you have your own limitations. I wish you luck in making good decisions for yourself on going.

Deathbed requests by a parent are very, very wrong. Honoring your father's request to take care of your mother means just that: you take care of her, but NOT at your own expense if you can no longer do it. Then you get her into a Skilled Nursing Facility and you don't look back.

The Virus doesn't have to 'go away' for you to hire in home help, either. Have them tested regularly and ask them to wear N95 masks while caring for your mother. That's all. Easy peasy.

Your sister doesn't feel the need to justify her theft, and your mother doesn't feel the need to ask her to. You are the one who's chosen to put up with this entire situation, in spite of having serious health issues yourself and with your DH.

Please allow yourself to take care of YOU and your DH now. It's allowed, no matter what deathbed agreement you made and under what duress that promise was made. Things change. I'm sure your father would not have asked such an unreasonable thing of you had he known you would be suffering from multiple rounds of cancer, etc. Hindsight is always 20:20, right?

Think about, and do, what's best for ALL concerned here. Otherwise, your mother may wind up outliving you! I say that myself sometimes.........my mother will be 94 in January and has less health issues than I do, and way less than my husband does. Yet all she does is complain 24/7, but at least it's from 4 miles away in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence, not the bedroom down the hall.

Good luck!

Stop expecting this from your mother. You do everything for her but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it to them.

She also doesn’t want to be placed in the middle. No one likes being in the middle of things.

You cannot expect her to change. So change your reaction instead.

This happens more often than you think. It’s very awkward and it isn’t fair but unfortunately, I don’t see it changing.

My mom does this too. She favored her sons! She catered to them her whole life and expected me to as well.

They were her little princes and I was the servant. I broke the cycle. Break your cycle.

She is not happy that I went no contact with my siblings.

Who cares? I am at peace now! I changed my reaction instead of trying to change her.

I chose to please myself instead of asking her to be fair and please me.

Please, change yourself. Do what you need to do for you.

I am no longer my mom’s caregiver. My sibling now has my mom and now he and wife number four sees exactly what I went through!

Whoever said that life is fair? Life isn’t fair. Never has been.

My mom adores my children. They adore her.

They are wonderful young women. My mom is wonderful with them.

Mom never puts me down to my children. She knows that it would hurt my daughters.

I never put her down to my children. They love their grandmother.

They are entitled to a grandmother. She deserves to have her grandchildren.

I would never interfere in their relationship. Who would benefit from it if I allowed anger to interfere?

I stay out of it. Their relationship has nothing to do with me.

I have told my children that I understand that they love their grandmother and I absolutely know that my mom loves them.

My children are aware of how mom has treated me. They don’t like it but they don’t interfere with my relationship with my mom. We are able to respect privacy and not overstep our boundaries.

Would I want mom to love and respect me the way she does my brothers and my children?

Of course I wanted that. So much time has gone by that I know better than to expect that. I stopped wishing for it.

To be truthful, I stopped caring for my own sanity. I am at peace now.

Wishing peace for you. You will figure it out. Take care.

You can not control what anyone says.
You can control how you react to what is said.
If this continues to be toxic you might want to find other living arrangements for mom so you are less subjected to what is said.
And if you are waiting for sibling to apologize I think it will be a very long wait. Don't expect it and if it comes you can be surprised and pleased.

First of all, if mom is living in your house and you and your husband are caring for her then that POA has to be changed from her grandson over to you. Emphatically insist upon this or move her out at once. Your other siblings should be made to feel guilty about not helping out with her. You have cancer and are the sole caregiver to mom. Please excuse me if I speak plainly, but your siblings should be bent low with shame that they allow the full burden of their mother's care to be put on you. That is absolutely despicable. It sounds to me like your mom is more concerned with your other siblings feelings then she is about your health. That is even worse then the shame your siblings should have about not helping you at all. And she doesn't even pay you something for being her caregiver? Believe me when I say, she will NEVER stand up for you and your husband. Not one time. In most family caregiving situations that involve a senior, the senior believes they are entitled to take over the life and home of one of their adult kids. The one who draws the short straw among the siblings was probably the one the parent treated the worst growing up or who got the least attention. If I were you, I would send mom packing off to one of the siblings. Retire from being her caregiver. There's nothing in it for you and never will be either. You won't even get a word of praise. Take care of yourself. You and your husband don't deserve this.

"I know there are no answers to fix my problem"

Yes there are! Hang in there.

"Just want to get it out"

Excellent start. Getting some of it out of your head, onto paper (or a screen).

Can you get a break? Get some home help in? Start small. An afternoon a week? Talk a long walk, sit in a park or take a drive on your own. Some physical & brain space.

Once I took a break, it became easier to see what I didn't want. Then eventually what I DID want.. then the steps appeared out of the fog for the way forward.

My brother stole almost $250,000 from my folks, plus anything of value (silver, some Indian artifacts, coin collections)....

when they hit the point they could not make their payments on their 2nd mortgage--they essentially lost their house.

YB moved them in with him. Of course the other 5 of us were beyond furious---this theft affected us a great deal.

Mom still slipped OB cash when he'd come to see her.

Because of this one rotten apple, my parents had to scrape to live. Luckily all of pitched in when we could. OB finally had a huge fight with all the rest of us and was 'excused' from being part of the family--he just could not be around any of us.

He was mother's favorite child and we all knew it. Even stealing this money and valuables from her didn't change the fact she adored him to no end.

He died about 8(?) years ago, I can't remember. It was actually a huge relief--he couldn't father any more kids, he couldn't ruin any more lives.

Mother stood up FOR HIM and NOT for herself or daddy.

I do not understand this dynamic and never will.

I've learned to never think about him and that is very helpful.

Please care for your husband and yourself first! And as for these deathbed promises, they are made under emotional duress and no "promise" made under any coercion is ever binding.

It’s one thing to care for an elderly parent in your home if u r able. It’s quite another if the load is too much.
You need to let go both for yourself and your mother. She will likely be much happier in a skilled facility with other residents.
Read the book titled Boundaries by Townsend. It’s transformative. I’ve had to set boundaries and stick to them.
My parents are both nearly 90. I’m their carer but they live independently. I will never ever move them in with me.

People can always justify why they do what they do. Its just the way their minds work. They cannot see why it was wrong. Mom doesn't want to confront the person. If it was me, I would let it go. Just know in your heart you are doing a good job and people will notice it.

Never say never. You and DH are having your own health problems. Mom may need, as she ages, more care than you can give. But, we will pray that never happens.😊