My dad, 91, lives 1300 miles away. He recently fell with minor injuries. Should I insist he move closer to family?

Don't insist, invite him into your lives. Wouldn't you enjoy his company more often? Wouldn't he have many stories to share?

Ask him because you want him closer, not because you want to care for him.

Make it about you wanting him closer.

No. You shouldn't push him to move back. If he's living independently let it be. You'll know when you gotta take over. You won't wonder. You won't be asking.

Imho, your father can no longer live 1,300 miles away, but I do not advocate that he live with you. Prayers sent.

Well, previously you talked to him before the fall happened. Time to talk to him again and express your concern for his safety, how difficult it would be for out of state children to be of real help for lengthy periods of time and see if he understands these concerns. I would push it this time. If he happens to fall again and hurts himself, moving him 1300 miles is going to be a major move and may require the help of medical transport that could be quite costly.

A place closer to you or assisted living if he wants to stay in his current city is the best option now.

Yes, you should push, push hard, and don't give up. Also, don't assume he has normal cognitive abilities anymore. He may have lost a lot of abilities over the years but he's good at hiding it. Ask him how old he was 20 years ago. That's a good place to start. If he can't do that in his head immediately, that's a red flag. If his cognitive abilities are slipping, his judgement is slipping too, and his ability to imagine future scenarios is slipping. Good luck!

When my dad had 3 consecutive car accidents (minor), he called me up and said he & my mom would like to move closer to me, their only child, b/c he was giving up his license. My mother was 'too nervous' to use her own license to drive, so that left both of them pretty helpless and dependent upon neighbors to help them get groceries, etc. My father was way too proud for THAT, so he felt he had no other choice but to make the move from FL to CO. And so, I found them a great apartment in an Independent Living senior place about 5 miles away. It worked out great; they had a mini bus for grocery shopping etc, plus the bldg was walkable to Walgreens and restaurants, etc. That lasted for 3 years before dad fell and broke his hip, and they both had to be placed in Assisted Living.

I vote for strongly suggesting your dad move closer to you. Because otherwise, something drastic will likely happen, forcing him to move, fire-sale the house, etc. And then he'll look back in hindsight, wishing he'd done the right thing before he was forced to. He's 91. My dad broke his hip at 90 and passed away at 91. My mother is still alive at 94 next month and living in Memory Care now. If they were still in FL when all hell broke loose, then what??

Sure, some people can live alone in their own home until their 100 and be just jim-dandy. Most cannot. Is your father willing to take the risk that he's in the first category or the second?

Ultimately, it's up to him but YOUR problem.

Good luck!

5 years ago we moved back home after living in other states for 30 plus years. We moved near our son and family and are living in an apartment. We wanted to do that while we could still do things, no matter how little it might be, while we were still able. It has been the best decision we could have ever made. We live very independently but know that family is near if we or they need help. Sure is nice when they pop in to see us, masks on. No upkeep on a home is wonderful. When we were younger owning a home and upkeep was fine, but now, why?

My BIL saw how well it worked out for us and he followed doing the same.

KatRoy - welcome back! It’s been like 5 years? So last you posted in Summer, 2015, your mom (83) had died.... she had dementia and had had a long long decline, then had the bad fall / concussion and her last few months was on in home hospice. Your dad (then 85, now 91) had basically been her FT caregiver for abt a decade. They moved to FL ages ago & with great supportive network there & you and your 2 nonparticipating bros live in RI. You’re the sibling that does any oversight or real boots on ground FL trips. That’s kinda it, right?

Your dads probably very realistic on his future. He know what a fall can mean. Imho enough time has passed since her death that bereavement is over and he’s now created a well rounded life in FL without her. Was he one of those that once the day to day totality of his caregiving was gone, found himself all sorts of energy and perhaps popularity within his acquaintances? I imagine he has had no shortage of attention as a relatively fit old rooster is quite popular.

when you’ve gone to visit, do you actual stay for a long long visit.... like @ month or so? Long enough that you really get to see what his life is like and not the 5 day visit with his time all focused on you, hubs & his grandkids?

If you haven’t done that, I’d suggest that you do this. Could be a lot in his life he just keeps private from his kids. It would be interesting to know what actually happened when he fell.... like who was in his support network. He could have quite the busy schedule..... that’s my experience as my mom was a widow for couple of decades - she died backside of her 90’s - and had couple of BF’s and all sorts of community stuff she went to; I suggested big time for her to move to my state, she wasn’t having it as beyond loved her home, her garden and her network in her city. Might your dad be similar?
If your dad is flat insistent about his independence, has a solid network and knows you’re there to do whatever medical & legal needed should something happen to him, he may not feel the need to move back to RI. He may be “if I die & never see snow again I’m happy”.

Also if you do a long visit, it gives you an opportunity to see where his group moves to once their home gets to be just too much upkeep to deal with. His pals are going to have Realtors they work with..... know movers.... estate sale gals.... know someone who ran out of $ and dealt with FL Medicaid. I’d try to find 1 or 2 who have kids your age that you can communicate with. There going to be an IL community or building that he’s had friends move into. Ditto for AL. Go visit them and narrow down the choices so that he can decide on a plan for after the eventual worse fall or a hospitalization. Also check to see if he needs to freshened up his legal & banking, and do this your next visit so you have all updated done for 2021. Use concerns about Covid if need be to nudge him to do things.

Maybe the OP's father figures he's rather live his life on his own terms as long as he can, and then doesn't care if he falls or something ends his life--as opposed to giving up what he enjoys because something might happen in the future. Of course this doesn't make life easier for the rest of the family, but that is his choice. Some people would rather live life to the fullest in spite of "danger". He might figure he'd rather just end up dead in his own place than potentially kept alive much longer in a nursing home or at least a restricted lifestyle. (Maybe in some sense there is too much of a mentality to "protect" old people at the cost of their freedom--although if he develops dementia or becomes physically incapacitated then the decision will have to be made for him.)

I had an uncle who lived in his own home until he was 98. A son who lived within a half-hour drive came over to bring groceries, etc. every week or so. Other family members who lived within a couple hours of him (including my father who was 13 years younger) would visit him when they could. (Although he hadn't bothered to renew his driver's license, he still drove the half-mile or so the post office to pick up his mail until he was about 97.) Finally, another son, living in another state, took him in, where he lived a month past his 100th birthday, needing more care the last few weeks. I was living some 400 miles away but I visited when I could, and he seemed content in his ranch-style home where he had lived over half a century, and he enjoyed sitting in his living room watching baseball games on TV. Other than being hard-of-hearing, he seemed okay mentally, and was able to walk without problems.

Maybe you could highlight the "fun" aspects of him moving closer to you, (rather than the medical reasons why). You could say, "You can come over for lunch," or "You can come over and we'll watch a movie on TV), etc., or if he moves in with you, you could highlight the same things. If he likes dogs, maybe he could get a (calm) dog. They can be great for easing tension, anxiety, transitions, etc. My mom moved in with us when she had Alzheimer's, and just the presence of our dog helped her.

One single fall is often the "game changer" and not for the better. At least get one of those devices he can push if he falls (if he does not lose consciousness). My neighbor down the road said his mom was a walkie-talkie but she fell in the bathroom and ended up fracturing her pelvis and ended up on hospice and died bedridden. Fractured pelvis is inoperable

Geriatric people living alone are often targets of home invaders, where they can get beaten up and killed. Hey this is the world we are living in now.

My dad was just like your dad. At first he waffled between wanting to be with us and staying put. We even had a place chosen near my sister when he did a 180.. Finally he decided on his own that he needed to unload his house. He knew he was having cognitive issues. But he wanted to stay in his city so we moved him to an IL apartment. He hadn’t been there a month when he realized he should have moved near one of us!!! So we found him a place near me and moved him again. He was 93 and moved to IL and later AL and then LTC at the end. I was glad we chose a continuing care residence.
The moral to the story is you can’t force a move and yes it is better if they are nearby. Hopefully your dad will decide when it is time in a reasonable fashion. Do know your life will not be the same as you know it. But I can’t imagine handling all I had to with him 350 miles away. As hard as it was, I am glad he moved here.

My MIL with Alzheimer's dementia lives in Hawaii while we live in Florida and her other son lives in California. She wants to die in Hawaii. My BIL manages her affairs. She has 2 caregivers that take turns caring for her 24/7. Before she had her 2 caretakers, she was cared for by home health care aides 24/7. Her current situation is better for her since she has less caregivers coming and going.

There are lots of caregiving situations that can work for your dad:

You can have dad move in with you or another family member. This would be the least expensive option. If he has some dementia or mobility issues, then living alone is probably not a good idea any more. Just be aware that many dementia sufferers progress in their disease to requiring 24/7 care.

In-home help: home health aides can clean house, prepare meals, transport dad to appointments, bathe, dress.... is the next least expensive option. My MIL can afford her caretakers because all her assets have been liquidated and added to finances from her late husband's life insurance. Unfortunately, this option was not affordable when he was alive since it required too much money and Hawaii is expensive.

Lastly, residential facilities are available in most towns. They are more expensive than in-home care. However, there are some that will take Medicare and Medicaid.

No, don't push him. Just make it easy for him to do it if he chooses.

Begin by thinking it through.
What apartment?
Independently, so needing what sort of support? Sourced from where?
You say you understand his reluctance - what are his reservations, and do you see any way of making those vanish, or of compensating for any disadvantages?

The point is that before you urge a particular direction on someone, it's essential to be as sure as anyone can be that the move will in fact improve his quality of life.

Thinking through the details might even lead you to conclude that he'd actually be better off sitting tight, perhaps with good local support which you can help him research. How long has he lived where he is now?

I appreciate the current difficulties, but could there be any way of arranging an extended visit for him to "try before he buys"?

While you can continue to hint, legally you don't have the grounds to force him to move back to where his family is as long as he is considered competent. It is hard and discouraging to see a family member become injured or make decisions that you feel are wrong. The fact of the matter is if you were in the same shoes and you had someone pressing you to move, from where you had a life with your spouse would you be willing to do so? I would try to get him to accept outside help in his area such as people that can drive him to appointments etc. if you have an agency for the aging in his hometown area that is a good place to start. See if he will be willing for meals on wheels and just let him know that when and if he decides to move that you will be there for him and keep open communication with him.
He may come round and move, but he may not. He probably sees that he has issues, and isn't quite ready to accept them himself. It is all new to him too. If he was a care provider for his wife he may be all too familiar and doesn't want to put that burden on other family members.
Best of luck

If he is still mentally capable, it will ultimately be his decision, but have a discussion with him about how he would like to live if he becomes less capable of caring for himself. His friends and life are where he lives now, but I've seen many people decline quickly after they reach their 90s. At some point he may no longer be able to drive. He may need to have aides come in to help with more things like shopping and cooking, and take him to doctor appointments, he may need to hire more help like a regular cleaner and someone to do little chores around the house like change light bulbs, etc. When "strangers" are coming into the house of a vulnerable senior the situation changes. You need to be sure that personal information like financial statements and valuables are locked up. The other option is to move to an assisted living facility at some point. If there comes a point where he needs a lot of assistance, it will be much easier for you to help him and visit him if he moves close to you, and this should be part of the discussion. Ask him if he'd like for you to take over his financial affairs, and if so, have all bills and statements sent to your address. Any move will be difficult for a 91 year old, and he will need lots of help. The very thought of it may be daunting. He may need your help selling the house. There are professional movers who specialize in helping people downsize. Make sure that all of his paperwork is in order: power of attorney (POA) for medical and financial decisions, a living will that explains his medical directives and wishes (and be sure that you know them too), will, and some banks have their own POA forms.

No you shouldn't push him to move back. As long as your dad has his mental capacities you should accept that it is his decision.

Juse let him know that you are concerned about him and when he is ready to let you know and you will help him sell his home and find him an apartment close by his family.

You might have him come to visit and show him some apartments in the area.

Your Dad might be more willing to move back if he were moving in with family instead of an apartment.

Why should he make the move out of his home which is failure to him to an apartment?

He can fall just as easily, maybe more so being unfamiliar with his surroundings and the only difference is ya'll would be closer by if he falls.

Maybe if you or other siblings offered to have him live with you, he would consider moving back home.

As of now, he probably has friends there and you and your brother are asking him to move back to an apartment where ya'll might end up visiting him once a week.

For now, to help make it safer fir him and ease your mind,, you could have cameras installed so you can keep an eye on him 24 7, make sure he has handrails installed in the bathroom area by the toilet and shower/tub as most Senior Falls happen in the Bathroom.

Have you considered selling his home and one of the brothers add on a room addition to your home for your Dad?

Alva and Grandma both offer insightful suggestions.   You can combine them and create a plan incorporating both, addressing the situation now, what it may become sometime in the future, and have contingencies worked out and planned.

I think a few issues might help put the situation in perspective.  How and why did he fall?   Was he able to get up on his own?   Was he taken by EMS to the ER?  

What I'm suggesting is assessing the severity of the situation now, and possibly addressing that while also planning for a higher likelihood as he ages.   I.e., for now, you could consider a life alert pendant, lockbox with key to his house so EMS can get in, and importantly, prepare a medical history he could take with him to an ER or doctors' appointments.    

I did that for both my parents when they became Winter Snowbirds.    I listed relevant medical policies, contact information for my sister and I, backups as his good friends, meds, allergies, surgeries, conditions and hospitalizations, plus treating doctors here with contact info.    It eventually was almost 10 pages, but it provided anyone treating them with enough information to make decisions.

I also made up a card for my with their meds and reasons; they carried those with them either in Mom's purse or Dad's pockets, or in their car.

I would consider that as potential backup now.   Provide your own contact information, all sources, so that you can be notified.   

If your father is willing, ask him to provide the other information on treatment, so that it's available to local first responders.

I wouldn't push him to make any changes in location though, especially now when life is so unsettled here in the US and across the world.   People are under enough pressure as it is.      But I would explore opportunities (apartments, etc.) in your area and keep a running list, just in case.   

Senior Centers can also be very helpful;  if your father expresses any loneliness, or being tired of meal prep, check out his local SC for him.   It's also an opportunity for brief interpersonal reaction when the meals are delivered (safely, and distanced.)

Another thing you might explore now is whether or not he feels any need for assistive devices:  cane, walker, etc.

Katroy68, as others have advised, it's probably not a good idea to insist, or even "push," your dad to anything. But, at 91, it is imperative for you and your brothers to stay watchful, visit him as often as practicable, and encourage him to visit you, as well. Communicate frequently, let him know that all you care about him, would welcome him back to his home state, and would even help him figure out the logistics and help make the move if he wants to do that. It sounds like you and your brothers are already doing those things and kudos to each of you if you are. Best wishes.

I think rather than pushing, you and your brothers should explain everything to him as carefully as you can, the dangers of staying alone in this environment and etc. Other than that there is little you can do with a competent adult, and things will progress as they will until there is real injury and you are contacted by Social Workers in hospital setting to ask who will take guardianship. You will be able then to act in your dad's behalf without his permission. Until then you can only advise. I wish you all the best of luck. This has to be so worrisome on a daily basis.

I don't think that I would "push him" to do anything. Let him come to the decision to move back or not on his own, for now anyway. He has his life where he's at now, and just may not be ready to leave it all behind. There may come a day when he won't have a choice, but to move nearer to you, but for now, I would just let him be.