How to make peace that you are your mother’s only caregiver even though you have two siblings (w/ tons of excuses)? How do you not explode?

Promises are all well and good; life has a way of intervening in all this. Things change. Nothing is static. I think you identified it perfectly when you said "How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years". I think basically to understand that it was your choice, that you made your own choice from the best intentions and with the best information available. Then to recognize your rage is telling you that you have reached the point where you must accept your own human limitations. This has little to do with your sisters. You cannot/you will not ever change them. Allowing yourself to blame them may be somehow a comfort, but the fact is you have grieving to do about the fact that you are smack up against the choice to sacrifice your own life or to live your own life. You may need professional help a few visits to comb out what you life is going to look like moving forward. Discuss with your husband. Leave your sisters out of it. They don't figure in this. They have already made their choices. I am so sorry. Not everything has a fix-it that prevents grief and sadness. I wish you the very best going forward.

Amy, I too have anger and resentment towards my siblings. There are many scenarios that can bring us to that place of resentment. I highly suspect that many of those who immediately like to point it that it was YOUR CHOICE to take on the caring and that your siblings have a right to their own CHOICE haven't been in OUR position, and don't really understand why it hurts so much and then turns to anger and even rage.

My mother is a life long narcissist and damaged all 3 of her kids in significant ways. I was the one who was groomed since childhood to feel responsible for my mother, under any condition. I remember bringing a date over to my parents house many years ago in my early 20's for a small party when my dad was still alive. We were having social drinks but my mom went overboard and was passing out in her chair. I was so embarrassed. I forget where my dad was, but I had to go over and coax my mom upstairs to first the bathroom so she wouldn't wet the bed from being so drunk, again, and then put her to bed.

The next day I saw her and tried to have a gentle conversation about how her drinking like that and me having to take her to bed made me extremely uncomfortable in front of my date. My mom flew into a RAGE and actually told me that I should be HONERED to help her to bed. Yes, she meant it. That is the kind of mother I grew up with.

I could relay many stories. The point is when my mom started wanting help the calls about "needing" to move near me started. I did move her, but I hate the word "choice" when I know full well I was manipulated big time, extremely anxious and unfortunately too weak to resist it. It's like saying someone chooses to be a victim of abuse. I also didn't know she had dementia, which as we know changes everything.

The first year and a half I gave my siblings a pass on being uninvolved. I understood why they didn't want to be around my mom. NONE of us do.

But going into year 2 and now 3, MY life has been so ruined by this, like you say the time lost from living my own life is time I will never get back. I feel like I've aged 10 years in 3 because of the stress. I have NOT badgered my siblings, but they know full well that I am suffering, pretty much daily, dealing with OUR mother.

My anger is because they have abandoned ME. Forget my mom, they don't care that I am suffering so much, and I've never been anything other that supportive to my siblings throughout our lives. Often being the first one called when help was needed, and I showed up for them both, many times.

Now I need them, just for moral support if nothing else, and neither show up. That's what hurts. They barely call my mom and when they do they just appease her, including when she complains about me.

I will never see them in the same light again. I'm angry and I feel like I have a right to be. This isn't about them and my mom, it's about them and ME.

I'm sorry you are struggling, and not getting any support from your siblings. The only advice I have is to try and take care of yourself the best you can, so you survive this journey with your mom, including when and if that journey means placing your mom into care. You will have a life after this, and your anger will probably wane, which will be good for you. That's what I'm hoping for, even though I know my relationship with my siblings will never be the same.

Good luck.

I think the problem here is that you "told" them that they had to take turns, instead of asking them if they would or could help you with moms care. And now you're mad at them? I think your anger is misdirected at them, when you're really mad at yourself for now being stuck in this situation, without help from anyone else. Your sisters are living and enjoying their lives, and that is something you should be doing as well.

It sounds like you need to hire some outside help for mom, so you can move out and live your life with your husband, or time to be looking into the appropriate facility for mom to move to. That way you can get your life back, and start enjoying it again. And you can also get back to just being her daughter and not her caregiver. Best wishes.

I am an only child, so I have no siblings to share in the burden it's been to deal with my folks' issues since they moved here in 2011 to be closer to me. I've managed their entire lives ever since.

The hatred you feel for your two siblings is misguided, I think.........it's more the rage of the years you feel you've lost by care giving. I understand. I have days where the resentment is SO huge that it overpowers me. Yesterday was one of those days, and my mother lives in Memory Care 4 miles away. My father died in 2015. And I STILL feel tremendous resentment over the fact that I don't have ONE day in my LIFE where I'm not dealing with my toxic mother who does everything she possibly can to drive me crazy. She sometimes succeeds, too.

I made the choice to have my parents move back here in 2011 to be close to me.
I made the choice to take over the management of their lives, too.
I also made the choice to place both of them in Assisted Living when their care needs became greater than they could manage themselves in Independent Living.

Because I am only one human being, as you are, with limitations and a life of my own. In fact, I remarried in 2009, a mere 2 years before the folks moved back here and took over BOTH of our lives. I seriously doubt my husband signed up for the craptastic life that awaited him, little did he know. He doesn't even complain very often; he just does what he can to help me, all the moves, all the stress, all the hospitalizations, the rehabs, the chaos in general. And he holds me when I cry.

I wish I had some wise words for you about how to get rid of the rage. I don't. All I can tell you is to forget about 'promises' made long ago. Things change, especially where elder care is involved. Severe dementia is normally something you CANNOT deal with alone at home. This is why Memory Care ALs are popping up like flowers on every street corner. Because it's just too much for us mere mortals to endure. I could never do it, and that's the truth. One phone call or one window visit with my 94 y/o mother is enough to aggravate me for hours afterward.

Accept a NEW choice now. A choice to look into Memory Care for your mom and to give her a new way of life in managed care, and to give YOU a new life that has nothing to do with care giving. Go back to being a daughter again instead. You deserve to.

Wishing you the best of luck.

"I Know I am making this choice".

It's OK to change your mind.
A good care plan should keep being re-evaluated & changed when necessary.

If it's not working for you - start making changes.

"I am trying to keep my promise".
What was your promise? Was it to provide the hands-on care 24/7 by yourself?
(I bet not).

My SIL once promised to care for a relative post surgery then *told* her sibs they *must* help her. She was told (politely) to take a hike.

You decide for YOU only. Would you like it if your sisters started telling you what to do?

Hi AmyL13,

I can empathize with your words. I am sorry you aren't getting help from your siblings. I have two older siblings, both brothers. One sees my father from time to time and offers to cook or bring groceries or cut the lawn once in a while. I live with my father and the other brother. He told me he is doing only what he intends to help, which is not much. When I first moved in with my father a year ago, I had such anger inside because of my brother's refusal to help that it overcame me for months. I offered to take care of the gardening and thought it would be a little haven and calm space for me, but it wasn't a pleasant experience because of the anger in my head. I spoke to my brother about things but his way of dealing with anything is to start a fight and walk out of the house.

I remember the day that I apologized to the plants in the garden for my negative energy and had to laugh. It was a release and I felt better when I headed out to weed or cut the grass. One day I took some time and asked myself where do I want to spend my energy? I had certain things that needed to get done on a daily basis, and spending my valuable energy on a person that doesn't help didn't serve me. This is my life and I am going to protect my experiences. I too made the choice to help dad at his end of life so I looked at what was available in the care system in our community and built a team that WANTED to help. I felt better and my energy for my father improved as well. My brother is still the same, or worse, actually, but he isn't my focus. My health, I have learned, is the most important, and while I felt guilty about that at first, I saw things improve and I got my smile back.

Please love yourself lots and give yourself lots of credit for what you are doing.

All the best to you, Tempest.

But YOU made the promise. Did they make the promise too? You told them. I’m sorry but you can’t do that.

I have brothers. One lives 8 hrs away and he and wife work. SIL had BIG problems with her mother. Other brother was going thru a divorce. Neither tried to keep in touch with Mom. Birthdays missed, MDay missed, etc. One SIL was good about Mom but that was before the divorce. So...it was me. I chose not to get mad about it. Its what is is. I have no guilt, I was always there. I knew my limitations so I did have to place my Mom. First an AL then LTC.

We should never promise. You never know what life will bring. I had Mom in my home almost 2 years and just could not do the 24/7 thing and my DH helped. It was like caring for a big toddler that never grows up.

Just be ready when Mom passes, if she has any money, ur siblings will be right there. So, use whatever she has on her.

Amy I hear you. I get what others have said in response to you but I also get what you are saying. No, you can't make others help and your promise is your promise, not your siblings. But.............and this is a big but. Where's the love? Where's the compassion? It's not a duty thing. It's a love thing. Isn't it?

If your Mother was an evil person then of course no one has an obligation to do anything. You didn't say what kind of person your mom is. But if she was a decent mother who did right by you and your sibs then they should help. They shouldn't need to be asked.

I was pretty much the only one in my family of many sibs who took it all on with my mom. They had their excuses. Careers, families etc. My opinion on all that is if you have time to still get your nails done, work out, etc. then you have time to help your mom. My sister, the odd time she did show up was groomed to the max, fresh haircut, immaculate nails. So, I thought, don't give me that crap that you don't have time. You had time for all that.

So Amy I do get it. My mom passed six and a half years ago but if I ponder it too long I get angry about how my siblings were. I've forgiven cause it's important for your own mental health to forgive but I haven't forgotten. I've lost a lot of respect for my sibs. That won't change.

Forgive them for your own mental health Amy. Continue to do the right thing by your mom if you can. Don't expect anything from anyone else.

Not everyone is suited to the life of being a caretaker to an elderly parent. I recognized years ago that it was not a job I would want to do and was very honest with my parents about it. I told them I would deal with financial issues, find them other housing options, etc. but that hands-on caregiving was not an option.

My brothers and sister were less honest, avoiding visiting, occasional phone calls, telling me to "let them know what needed doing." I chose to maintain my relationship with them rather than resenting their abdication. After all, I expect we will all outlive our parents and I want to stay friends with them.

You can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. What is more important, a future relationship or maintaining a grudge? My dad and one sister had an adversarial relationship for 80 years! 80 years! Why waste time and energy when we have a short time to enjoy our lives? Don’t drive them away.

I suggest you have a frank talk with each sister and ask what they would be willing to do to help you. Maybe taking over bill paying, searching for medical/medicine options, searching for in-home help or care facilities. Instead of expecting everyone to do the same thing capitalize on each person's strength. Maybe it would be helpful to prepare a list of tasks and ask them what they would be able to take over. And be grateful for any assistance.

BTW I asked my sister to research Medical Alert options. She emailed me a link to a google search page. At first I was mad, then I laughed. Later I found out she was suffering from Lyme disease and had no energy.