My parents’ home is in need of major repairs but they won’t take action. What can I do to help them?

I question your statement, 'they are able to take care of themselves' if they're living with mold, a sagging roof and other things, and then breaking down in tears feeling personally attacked when asked about the situation. Is there dementia at play here? They are quite young, but dementia and other forms of mental illness like depression can hit people at that age too. Having your mother acting as if you're attacking her personally with regard to needed home repairs makes no logical sense. When is the last time she's had a physical exam? It just seems odd that you're running into such push-back over an obvious situation, and one that will dramatically reduce the value of their home in the long run.

I think what you can do to help is offer to make the calls or do the research for them online. Thumbtack is a good resource for small jobs, Angie's List for larger jobs, and their homeowners insurance is a good source of roofer referrals. In fact, their homeowners insurance will go DOWN if they get a new roof. Maybe if you mention that to your folks it will be a good incentive to look into repairs. Needless to say, mold is dangerous to their health. You can even buy a mold test kit yourself at Home Depot:

https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=ALeKk03mqNedZLIQ5lsz5QuHt3MFCEIzNA%3A1608848946535&source=hp&ei=MhblX-yJHo6qtQbxo6_4Dw&q=mold+test+kit+home+depot&oq=mold+test+kit&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgBMgUIABCxAzICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADoECCMQJzoFCAAQkQI6CAgAELEDEIMBOg4ILhCxAxCDARDHARCjAjoLCC4QsQMQxwEQowI6BAgAEEM6BAguEEM6BwgAELEDEEM6BwguELEDEEM6CgguELEDEIMBEAo6BQgAEMkDOggILhDHARCvAVDKDViBL2CuO2gAcAB4AYABqgOIAdgTkgEJMy41LjIuMi4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpeg&sclient=psy-ab

Last but not least, you may want to appeal to your father about the repairs if your mother is emotionally unequipped to deal with the matter. If you offer to MAKE the calls FOR him and set up the appointments, even be there for the estimates, he may be more open to the idea.

If not, you have one final recourse: let your dad know his homeowners insurance MAY be cancelled due to the condition of the house & lack of repairs. Read this article:
https://www.thebalance.com/insurance-canceled-lacking-repairs-2645716

If he tries to file a claim and an inspector comes to the house and SEES the condition it's in, his insurance can easily be cancelled & that's a serious problem.


Good luck! If they're acting like this in their mid-60's, I hate to think what you'll be facing in 10 or 20 years from now. :(

Pam, I agree with what the other posters have suggested but am also wondering if it is a financial issue. Unless you are the one financing all these repairs, I wouldn't do anything unless I knew they were in good financial condition to do so. Your mom may break down because maybe she knows they can't afford it and she feels helpless but doesn't want to disclose something that might be very embarrassing? Just a thought that there might be more at play than what meets the eye. I wish you much success in finding out the truth of the situation.

Mold can aggravate asthma and allergies, and may even be a source of chronic sinusitis.

In some cases, mold can grow in the lungs causing aspergillosis pnuemonia, especially with a weakened immunity. Certain chronic lung conditions, such as emphysema or tuberculosis, can cause air cavities to form in the lungs which mold can grow.

Homes are extremely expensive to maintain, and judging from what you are saying it would cost in excess of $50,000+ to effect repairs. They may want to decide to sell the home and move elsewhere.

Leaking roof has to be repaired QUICKLY because the damage to the house will become astronomical.

Call you local Dept. of Aging. My husband and I were in the same situation and were given free help with weatherizing and other agencies to call who gave free help with other things to those on low incomes. We were also able to apply for a roofing loan at only 1% interest over 10 yrs. or something like that which we didn't take. There is much help for house repairs if you are low income; even small things like fixing a porch, putting in handicapped accessible bars etc. Please call the Dept of Aging in your county and see what they have to offer for your parents.

Pam, I agree with lealonnie .. it sounds like they are unable to make good judgments re: their home. It's possible there are other things under the radar that you don't see or know about..like their financial situation, etc. Mom crying tells me something .. she knows or suspects what you say is true ..that they need help, but doesn't want it to be true, and is sad that .. she knows it is true. If there is some dementia going on, this complicates things more, of course.

Maybe find help to fix their home & present it in a way that doesn't sound like you're taking their independence away from them or criticizing .. only helping them. Be creative with reasons like ... cause they're so busy, you have access to more internet options and/or contacts, you just want to be sure & ensure their safety, etc... you get the idea .. and asking "please, let me do this for you.. it worries me" can also be helpful. It's a balancing act we all go through in matters like this. They do not want to be perceived as being incapable or needing help or face being moved from their home ~ scary for them and anyone.

You say they can take care of themselves but not their home's needs. This is when you have to not let yourself be fooled into thinking things like this, imho & experience. These are signs, friend. Please be sure to get them to authorize you on their bank accounts and bills so you can better help them as things may likely progress. Soon you will likely need to help them move to their next step in their lives, and thank God you're there to do this.

Oh, and in case you haven't thought of it, Mom may need help with feeding them and grocery shopping. She may be having troubles (under the radar stuff). If you can arrange Meals on Wheels & grocery deliveries & Rx deliveries, these are helpful while transitioning.

All the best to you.

PamH89, what about your father? What does he have to say about this situation?

I could go along with early-onset dementia wrecking one parent's decision-making skills. But both of them?

I'm wondering if there is some hidden obstacle such as a financial mess that they've kept from you and don't know how to solve. When you and your brother talk to them, keep your ears open for what they're not telling you!

Wow, sounds a lot like my parents but they were in their 80’s before it became a problem. By the time they decided to do anything the costs were out of their budget. The insurance company informed them that they would lose their coverage if they didn’t do some thing to repair the house.

My brothers and I would do some small repairs but told them firmly that we would not invest money in a house that was falling apart.

Luckily they found out about a local program that offers grants to low-income seniors to bring their homes up to code. The goal was to keep seniors in their homes and out of facilities. They qualified for an outright sum of money plus no-interest loan that would be forgiven if they stayed in the house for 10 years. Dad was allowed to choose the contractor from a list approved by the agency so he felt like he had some control. He also kept a close eye on all the workers!

The best part was Mom lived in the house the 10 years required so they got 25k in free money! We sold the home to fund Mom's move to AL.

Try to keep your conversation to concrete questions that are not open ended. Instead of asking why the roof has been leaking for so long, look up the best roofer in the area and then ask if we will call them today or tomorrow. Don't give them the option to say no and don't ask any question that casts judgment. Offer a choice but in a way that directs the answers to the desired end result. This is their life, their choice, but it is also their health and safety. Make a list of what needs improvement in order of priority. Allow them to see successes. Sometimes, older folks aren't comfortable with letting strangers into the home. Offer someone you know and/or plan to be there while the work is being done. With each success that they experience, they should gain confidence in you as well as themselves. I did this with my parents. They needed an electrical upgrade and we made a list of what would make life safer. After each improvement was achieved, I made sure to reinforce the positive impact it had on day to day living. Positivity is key. It is possible that their financial situation is worse than you know and they don't want you to know. Make sure that they can afford what you are suggesting. Last, it sounds like your mom is feeling depressed. Sometimes, the outward appearance of one's home is indicative of their inner turmoil. If that is the case, some personal TLC might need to happen first. With my mom, I established a new routine, a grandmother/granddaughter pedicure and lunch outing. It is a delicate balance of honoring their independence and providing the help you would like to give (without it becoming a burden to you). Pick a small achievable improvement to tackle and help your mom enjoy that. I know what I am talking about. As I began to offer more help to my parents (they really needed it!) I went from severe pushback to just go through a small mountain of "stuff" next to their bed to make room for my dad's walker to an electrical upgrade and needed carpentry work in the span of about a year. It was a process for sure, but once the successes were enjoyed and appreciated on a daily basis, it became much easier.

Your parents might have some similarities to mine, so here is another possibility: Both my parents had what is referred to as "decision paralysis." They were always like that but it got worse as they got older. They could never make a decision about anything, large or small, never made a plan, never would commit to anything. Rather than making a choice, they would do nothing, stick their heads in the sand and ignore whatever the situation or problem. So frustrating! Both were hoarders as well, saved everything. Their home was always so cluttered. Plus, my father was too cheap to do home repairs and he was a handyman/property caretaker for the same boss/family for 50 years! He was so talented with his hands; carpentry, painting, plumbing, electrical, etc., but would not put the effort into his own place. He'd start projects and never complete or follow through. By the time he was 80 and finally retired, we began to realize how disordered he truly was: full spectrum Cluster B personality disorders, paranoid delusions, etc. Doctors always said right up until age 96 that he did not have dementia - "He's pretty sharp for his age." However, he ticked all the boxes for extreme narcissism and sociopathy and my mother enabled his atrocious behavior. Fun times. I finally had to just take over for their own protection and safety, sold their decrepit house, moved them into an Independent Living apartment for 1 year, then another one for 4 years, and finally Assisted Living. He fought me every step of the way, but my mom was grateful. It was the toughest, worst 7 years of my life, all before 2020 and Covid. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him and he hated me. So when he died in May, that was the highlight of this entire lousy year for me.
Hope you will be able to talk some sense into your folks. Best of luck!

Can the home be repaired? They haven't taken action, so that's how you can help them. Get a few contractors to come by when you can be there and see what needs to be done and give you an estimate. If the problems have existed that long, you might be talking about huge expense or a rebuild.

If you have family members that can handle it, make sure create a contract showing exactly what repairs will be made, how much for each repair, and a completion date. Treat them as a contractor and make sure there is paperwork to cover each step of the process. If they get miffed or acuse you of not trusting them - explain that all of their money has to be documented as how it is spent and there has to be contracts to verify expenses in the even they need to apply for Medicaid Nursing Home assistance. Take care of it the right way so you don't end up with a never ending project with the whole house torn up and never completed.