How do I deal with a mother who guilts me about how much time I spend with her?

You & your mother will also have a 'strained relationship', if you don't already, thanks to her laying on the guilt trips as she does.

When my mother lays those types of guilt trips on me about how her friends have SUCH wonderrrrrrrrrrrrrful children who do this-that-and-the-other for them, I tell her, "Gee isn't it too bad you don't have THEM for children and are stuck with ME?" That pretty much shuts her up for the moment. Until the next time the guilt card is played, for no good reason, by the way. PLENTY is done for my mother and I'm the only child, to boot. She just loves to rub it in everyone's face about how much OTHERS do for THEIR mothers while she sits there all alone like a dawg. Which isn't true, it just sounds good when she says it.

What happens is, these women wind up getting LESS attention from their loved ones as a result of laying on the FOG (fear obligation & guilt) tactics so thickly. We back off and dread the visits and the calls b/c they're always shrouded in the guilt card.

It's too bad your mother made her OWN bed and is now lying in it, too. As if it's your fault that she has mobility issues b/c of her weight. Perhaps if she took charge of her OWN health, she'd wind up with a better life in general. Just a thought. But not something these types of women like to hear.

And I agree with Funkygrandma: DO NOT move the woman closer to you!!!!!!!! Then the FOG tactics will only amp UP and you'll be expected to be there daily! Trust me, I know from where I speak. Unfortunately.

Good luck setting down boundaries YOU are comfortable with, and that don't cause you to feel guilt for no good reason.

Quit trying to please your mom. She will never be pleased. Some people never will be, and just like to make those around them try and be as miserable as they are. Your mom is responsible for her own life, and what she does and doesn't do. You can only control your own life. Your mom has made her choices and now she's paying the price. It's a price that you nor your sister should have to pay, so cut your visits and calls short next time she chooses to try and guilt you. And remember that you have a choice and a say in this situation. And please for God's sake don't move her closer to you. You'd only be asking for trouble for sure. Best wishes.

My MIL is the absolute queen of dishing out the comments that lead to us feeling guilty. EVERYBODY has a better life than she does, EVERYBODY else has better kids, EVERYBODY else has had a life of total comfort and ease and she has had to work for every penny, everything she has....blah, blah, blah.

You can feel 'sorry' for someone like that--even that is weirdly twisted---sorry--or maybe the word 'compassionate' would be better--but in truth, a relationship built on your feeling guilty b/c the other person is making you feel that way--just makes you resent them. It's in no way enjoyable.

My poor DH has lived 69 years of feeling 'guilty' for ruining his mother's life. She didn't want him, wished he hadn't been born and tells him so, frequently. Only very recently has he begun to accept that he cannot EVER gain the 'love' from her that a normal mother would have, unconditionally.

My mom was a great 'guilter' too--maybe it was that particular generation of parents? IDK. I have finally learned not to buy into mother's guilt machine--but it took MANY years and a lot of heartache on my part to realize I'm not responsible for my mother's happiness.

I have 5 kids--One is currently working very hard to pull away from the family. It is SAD, for sure, as his kids are confused and don't get why suddenly they never talk to us or anyone else in our family, only their mom's. They made some choices that they are living with and the fallout is that we don't support them in this choice, but we still love them, same as always. THEY feel guilty! They can hurt us by their actions, but I don't feel GUILTY over what they've chosen. And I don't feel guilty for my MIL's miserable life nor my mom's equally miserable life.

I will not say it's easy to change how you feel, when you've been trained for many years to shoulder the burden of responsibility for someone else's joy.

“Good mothers” don’t try to shame their daughters by comparing them to “good daughters”. It’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. Do not respond to her abuse anymore. Set boundaries and live your life. You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.

Yes, well I assume the sister doesn't play her games, so thee you are. Why spend time with her, if it's no fun.
Why in the world would you want this woman CLOSER? For me, I was going to suggest she move several states away. I have a daughter in Washington State and a daughter in Wyoming, and I would never, at 78, DREAM of guilting them. Our children have their own lives. Isn't that what we raise them to have? Isn't that what a decent parent wants for their children.
The way you deal with "a mother who guilts" is to not pick up the luggage she sits down in front of you. Smile gently and walk away. Her life is what she made of it. Exactly what she made of it. I haven't known a bored day in 78 years. There is nature, there are walks, there is the garden and more books than I could every read. There's podcasts and TV and radio. There's sewing a dream I could SOME DAY learn crochet. There's social media when covid hits. And hey, I even like to clean house. As my Mom used to say, only boring people are bored.
Your Mom's choices in life are not your problem. Or your Sister's problem either. Tell her to write letters to service men if she's bored and too big to move about.
And whatEVER you do, do not move this woman more near you. PLEASE reconsider that. You will only enable her in her bad behavior. The only thing that rattles me more than "siblings at war" is parents who guilt their children.
Get on with it. Make your own life quality so that you NEVER do this to your own Best of luck. Make tough love your New Year's resolution. Quite honestly, the day you can look at her and gently address her demands with sweet compassion, and a gentle smile, then moving on with your day will be the day you know you have surely grown up.

NO ONE can “guilt” you. Guilt is a gift you give yourself. You are doing, and have done a perfectly fine job of making your mother feel as welcome in your life as you can.

It is SHE who chooses not to participate or be involved in YOUR life. You are not her girlfriend’s children and you have no idea what their relationship with their mother is.

If she is morbidly obese, she alone can address that issue in her life, and solve it or live with the consequences of it.

Read back your letter, and notice as you do that you have offered her many opportunities to interact with you. Therefore you have met your obligation. She has NOT met hers. SO - give up the guilt. It’s OT doing anything positive for you OR for her.

Give yourself permission to sift what she says to you and do not listen to ANYTHING that does not contain good ideas. Stop hearing her whining or criticism of what you are or what you do. The audience you’ve been mistakenly giving her is most probably the reason why she doesn’t like your sister as much as she likes you.

Finally, consider the possibility that you’re not doing her ANY FAVORS by allowing her to act as though she’s your life coach, when she would benefit to being a life coach for herself. Don’t get mad, don’t get sulky or pouty, just STOP LETTING HER PUSH YOUR BUTTONS.

Good luck with this. I think you might be ready to make THE BIG CHANGE.

"Mum it is great that Sue's family has more free time to spend with her. I am available next Tuesday from 10-3, what would you like to do then?"

"Isn't it lovely that Pat has 5 kids who rotate seeing her, if you give my sister a call, you will have twice as much contact with family."

Remember it is not your responsibility to be your Mum's entertainment director. If she wants to sit at home doing nothing, that is her choice. She does not get to dictate how you spend your time.