Step father has control issues (financial), mother has moderate dementia. Could an attorney make him spend money to get her help she needs?

Is none of their finances in HER name? If not, a good divorce attorney can help her file for divorce, split the assets they BOTH share, and then she can spend that money on some good quality of care for herself. And she can be rid of a man who has no interest in helping her in ANY way. She can stay in her own home, kick HIM out, hire some caregivers to come in and voila, problem solved by killing two birds with one divorce stone

Just a thought.

An attorney can’t force your step dad to anything. At most an attorney can help you become her court appointed guardian or help you get one for her. The attorney can help get her removed from your stepdads care. But no an attorney doesn’t actually have authority to force someone to do something.

If you suspect neglect, please contact APS. What you are describing certainly to me at least borders on neglect, APS is there to investigate situations like this.

Would step dad agree to agree to meeting with an elder care atty to look at options for preserving their assets? If your mom displays the issues you describe and she has Medicare, she may qualify for hospice care which wouldn't cost anything and be paid for by Medicare. Eventually, as her condition declines, he'll be more than happy to place your mom in a care facility to preserve his sanity.

Your step-father can't put her anywhere other than Memory Care if she doesn't recognize people and can't perform her ADLs (literally, no respectable facility will accept her in any other section). It is extremely expensive, as he may have already found out. Did your mother ever create legal documents making someone other than her current husband her durable PoA? If you have cause to believe she is being abused or neglected you can involve APS and then pursue guardianship through the courts. This will cost $10K+. If your stepfather can be proven to have cognitive problems himself and therefore unable to provide care for your mother, then you can call APS on both of them.

Honestly, I think the best tactic right now is to meet with him and have a calm, non-threatening talk about the realities of her care and his eventual needs. You can do the math for him for different scenarios: facility MC cost vs. in-home caregiver cost vs. adult day care. If he is looking for caregiving relief but doesn't want to spend money, he is deluded. If HE doesn't assign a DPoA and then experiences decline, he will become a ward of the county and they will put him in a county Medicaid facility and no family member will be in control of that or his finances until he passes. His money will not be well spent by the govt. Is that something he thinks is a good idea? Maybe he will be open to pondering some reality and facts. Or maybe you can set up a Zoom mtg with an elder law attorney with stepdad present (at his house). He won't be able to dismiss what an attorney would have to say.

Do you think it's possible he himself is experiencing decline? It often starts with loss of ability to reason well/poor decision-making. Does he have any children from a prior marriage? If so and if it's a good relationship it might be fruitful to contact those relatives to see if they can make any headway. Blended families have a lot of complexities. Control and distrust is often one of them. I wish you much success in helping your mom.