KarenD1 Asked December 2020

Should I continue to indulge my mom’s memory lapses and confabulation? They are becoming more difficult to ignore or gloss over.

My siblings and I recognized mom couldn’t live alone any longer. She refused to consider independent living in a senior/graduated care setting so is living with me. After one month, it’s clear the correct decision has been made - but I had no idea how bad she was and in one month seems to be getting worse.
We've ignored and/or gently indulged her memory issues but today she wanted me to search my closet for a purse she has misplaced. I reminded her that we had done this together last week. This purse was a gift she received more than two years ago, she has never used it, and when we were moving her out of her home she was considering giving it away. She misplaced it or may have inadvertently thrown it out, but she’s alternately convinced I’ve hidden it or that it is at my sister’s house. (It’s not). At any rate, she became very defensive, angry and then embarrassed and apologetic and then just shut down. We’ve been planning a trip to the doctor and that will happen - but in the meantime do I indulge this behavior? She forgets increasingly important things and is making up stories which is not at all like her.

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As one who is at that stage of repeating herself... I've learned to say, "I may have asked you this before".... it doesn't help to be told you've asked that 100 times. (In my case two or three times) It just makes the person feel like an idiot which I know you don't want to happen. My sister in law was the worse offender. The thing that drove me nuts the most was instead of answering my question I would get an "I've already told you". I finally told her, "If I could remember the answer I wouldn't be asking the question again and it won't kill you to just answer the question."

Having giving a little perspective from the other side of the coin, just repeat and repeat as much as needed. It's the loving thing to do.

FYI, since I started forcing myself to eat healthier my memory has improved and I now have a circle of close friends who understand as we all have the same problem. Lots of great laughs over it. Hugs and best of luck for you as you walk this journey with your mom.

Helpful Answer (18)

Thank you very much for this answer. Everything on here has been helpful and I have learned SO MUCH in the last few days since I went looking for answers - but this is a unique and very helpful perspective. I love my mom and will do anything to make this easier for her and for me too - but for her first.

(3)

If she has dementia, and it sounds like that is a possibility, you are not going to be able to convince her that She gave the purse away, she tossed it out, or anything else. If she thinks it is in your closet IT IS IN YOUR CLOSET. If she thinks it is raining out, in her mind it is raining. If she thinks there is a child in the house, there is a child in the house.
You have to learn to redirect. You have to learn to go along with some of the things that she believes. (If she thinks there is a child in the house, is is a boy? what is he doing? what does he want? can she talk to him?) As long as she is not frightened by her beliefs, as long as it is safe to "go with the flow" then go with it. If it gets to be a bit much for you do not argue just leave the room. (as long as it is safe to do so.)
If this gets to be more than you can handle forget about her resistance and look for Memory Care for her. (Particularly if she begins to get violent)

Helpful Answer (14)

Yes, go along with her on whatever. There is nothing to gain by correcting or reminding her and plenty to lose. You will come to realize that her reality is hers. No amount of correcting will get her to remember and only results in embarrassment or eventually agitation for her.

Read the 36 hour day.

Helpful Answer (13)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen similar comments since I joined this site 5 years ago: I knew my parent had problems, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I lived with them.
I hope it gives you some comfort that you are not alone. It sounds like you are in similar place as me five years ago. Let me ask you, what will you gain by calling out your mother’s memory loss? Will that help her remember? No. It will just add to her stress. It’s a real mind shift to let that go. It takes practice.

Helpful Answer (12)

Look up the dementia FAST scale. It'll give you some idea of where your mom is on the journey, and where she's headed.

Yes, you indulge her, because there's really nothing else to be done. You won't be able to fix her memory problems, so more and more you'll have to let her take the lead with her version of reality and learn to make white lies to satisfy her desires for things that aren't real.

My mother invented a new husband when my dad died, ro for two years now we've had "Dan" as part of the family. I even went through the resentment of having my mother replace my dad with a stepfather I not only don't like, but I also can't see him. Still, he's real to her, he makes her feel safe especially during Covid isolation, and I've learned to live with the fact Mama doesn't remember her real husband of 66 years. Her reality is all that matters when we're together.

Helpful Answer (8)

Your mom may see herself failing, at this point in her aging process. When she can't find something, she is embarrassed and scared at the same time. She does not want others to notice her failing do redirects her failure to someone else. My dad did this, as well. He also became very suspicious of everyone. It is good you have an appointment set up, as that was something I was unable to convince my dad to do. I finally had to use deceitful persuasion to get him to a doctor. When you see the doctor, your mom may contradict you with information you provide the doctor, this is also normal, again, it is part of how the disease can happen in some people. Take notes and be sure you inform of the issues and changes your mom is going through. Wish you all the best.

Helpful Answer (8)

You cannot argue with a broken brain. You can try, but you'll only frustrate yourself and get her worked up. They believe what their mind believes.

If you remember what the purse looks like, look to see if you can find one very similar and say - this was in a box, is it the one you're looking for. There is every possibility she remembers, in detail. a purse from several years back. The mind gets erased from present time to past time. So she won't remember you just looked in the closet but can remember the details of wallpaper she had as a child.

So, yes. Indulge. You aren't 'giving in', you are accepting the situation as it is

Helpful Answer (8)

Your first paragraph was genius. I took a screenshot and intend to read it every day. I forget my mother's brain is broken and look for normalcy where there is none. Very frustrating. What you have written will help me be more patient with her. Thank you.

(6)

You have definitely put your finder on the problem = short term memory problems. Now comes the challenge of dealing with it. This problem will most likely only get worse so start practicing for that reality now. I suggest simplifying your mom's environment so there are less places to misplace items. I also suggest creating a routine, or schedule, with her that everybody agrees to follow. As for her incidents of misplaced items or confabulation (lying), always lean into kindness: short search of items you know she has, "reminding" about items you know she doesn't have ("you gave that away when you moved in with me" or "it wore out and we needed decided to get rid of it"), asking about feelings that go with the memories, and/or diverting her attention to another activity or subject.

Please let her doctor know about your mom's symptoms and her reactions. Your mom may respond to medications for Alzheimer's disease or may need some mild anti-anxiety agents if she is getting upset all the time.

Helpful Answer (8)

I suggest watching Teepa Snow's youtube video's. Your Mom's mind sounds like she has dementia to me since she is forgetting things and making up stories which are symptoms of alzheimer's / dementia. I knew my Mom had dementia just by her actions, I didn't need to get her tested (which I did eventually due to her chronic headaches).

That said, when I moved my Mom in with me I needed to learn how to deal with my Mom's thoughts and words and not only did this forum help me but watching the Teepa video's helped me as well. It's important to acknowledge your Mom's thoughts and then redirect.

Your Mom can't help it and you can learn how to react to her so she doesn't get upset. Stress is the worse thing for an aging person.

Best to you,
Jenna

Helpful Answer (8)

I take so much solace in this blog and I'm so thankful for forums like this. I've been taking care of my Mom for the last couple of years (with help) and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, & loss for the mom that was. It's comforting to know that I am not alone. Really the takeaway is not how to change or fix her behavior, but how to adapt and fix my own. This is a hard lesson to swallow, and to learn.
To learn how to accept that these changes in our loved ones are permanent, that we cannot turn back the clock and that we must always respond with love and complete acceptance. Very challenging but embrace the support I find here.

Helpful Answer (8)

And realizing we are all human, and at times may NOT always respond with complete acceptance and love. None of us are saints and it is important to know this is a journey, often into the unknown, and needs to be explored with self-patience and self-compassion.

This is what 'time - outs' are for - regroup, find one's balance (emotionally), return to a state of equanimity.

(0)

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Should I continue to indulge my mom’s memory lapses and confabulation? They are becoming more difficult to ignore or gloss over.

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