My mother provided 24/7 care in his home until her death 2 years ago. He only needed assistance and monitoring but sharing expenses worked well for them. I began assisting him in 2019 and visit almost daily, setup medications, do marketing, cleaning, etc. He hasn't needed any personal care assistance or heavy monitoring until recently. He will only bathe when I insist, calls me at work for nothing, and I'm seeing severe mental decline. Loses things constantly even if they're in plain sight, calls on weekends to me began exceeding 20 times daily so I bring him home with me most every weekend. I'm 58, he's 55. He hasn't drank in 7 years but people stop by occasionally with marijuana and he confessed he smokes it. I feel they are after his anxiety medication so I keep all but 3 days in a lock box that only I can access. He doesn't seem to understand that alcohol abuse caused initial brain damage and marijuana and whatever else is only speeding up his dementia. I'm an emotional mess. I'm looking at placement in an environment a 55 year old could be happy. I explained how fast he's speeding up losing the independence of living alone and living with me isn't an option. Nothing changed. If anyone is in situation with sibling, I'd love your thoughts. Or anyone in similar situation with addicted loved one such as sibling or nonparent they are providing care for. My mother was extremely co-defendant and enabling when he was drinking actively and afterwards with the pot use. It didn't seem to cause decline then. I will not give up my life for someone who is ruining their own chance at independence. I've informed him that I'm looking at appropriate placement. He seems to think he will just say no and continue. Agencies will eventually get involved due to some services provided for him if I just walk away but he could get hurt or killed before they notice or get through red tape.
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The brain repairs itself once a person stops drinking. There are many articles that state this (you should google this yourself as there are so many articles):
Alcoholics' Brains Recover Quickly After Detox | Live Science
How Long To Reverse Effects of Alcohol Abuse? (americanaddictioncenters.org)
That said anyone can get dementia no matter their age and if they drank or not.
I also suggest that you seek out therapy since it seems to me that you are still blaming your brother as well as your mom for ruining your life, they did not ruin your life as you are in control of your own life and as an adult you need to make decisions that are best for you. Stop the blame game and take responsibility for yourself (as I said you may need therapy in order to do this).
Sorry, I do not mean to come off as harsh. My words come from my own experience as I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I sought out therapy and took control of my life and stopped blaming others for my problems. I hope you do the same.
Anyway, if you can't handle helping your brother then you should find a place that will take him. Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver. Do you have POA of your brother? There are legal aspects to this as well.
I also second that you should get your brother a total workup from a reputable doctor.
I wish you and your brother the best,
Jenna
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My bro's ex had to be in care at ALF at the early age of late 60s due to alcoholic encepholopathy. Your brother may require that care as well. Yes, if you walk away he "could get hurt". But that doesn't mean you must instead sacrifice your own life to his care. I am so very sorry.
My brother was diagnosed with early probable Lewy's Dementia at age 83. He got all his affairs in order, sold his last small home and moved to ALF. He and I always knew there was no option for us living together, much we loved one another. I took over managing his finances so his money could stay protected and bills paid. He died age 85 before he could descend into dementia to any degree. He was always the brightest and best at his ALF and learned to have his own activities and friends.
My advice is to know your limitations. To recognize and honor them. Other's judgement of you and of the amount of love you bear your brother is completely irrelevant.
Start now with a good workup and an honest conversation.
I cared for my brother. He was a long time drug addict.
His best friend offered him drugs. He succumbed to peer pressure. He knew nothing about drugs being addictive.
My parents didn’t even drink. They never thought about speaking to their kid in jr high about drugs. There weren’t any drug education programs back them. It was hard growing up with an addict.
He’s dead now. In spite of his issues he had a kind heart.
I loved him as my brother but hated his lifestyle.
There were times earlier in his life that he managed to get his act together for awhile, even owned a successful business at one point. Sadly, he couldn’t fight off his demons.
He lost everything meaningful in his life.
Our relationship was a complicated one, to be sure.
Mom enabled my brother. She fell for his manipulation. Daddy gave up trying to help him.
It broke my heart that mom had to bury her first born child.
I took my brother to all of his doctor appointments. He had HepatitisC, diabetes, etc.
I took him grocery shopping and all other errands.
I cleaned his apartment but stopped after I pricked myself on one of his needles. Thank God, it didn’t break through my skin.
He had a horrible accident and totaled his motorcycle. He nearly died.
In the hospital he asked me to go buy heroin for him and I completely lost it.
He had never asked me to do that before but he was in such extreme pain from the accident.
I went into the hospital corridor to catch my breath and completely fell apart.
I had been under so much stress caring for him and my mom at the same time.
Fortunately, a nurse offered comfort to me.
She asked if she could help when she saw me crying and I told her about my brother.
She told me to go to Al Anon meetings, and reassured me that the nursing staff dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts and for me to get some rest and take care of myself.
She was so kind and compassionate. I will never forget her.
Meanwhile my mom and brother are asking me to allow him to live in my house so I could care for him full time! I already had mom in my home.
I told both of them, “No!”
Continue to say NO to your brother living with you!
My brother bounced from pillar to post and eventually lived in a senior apartment complex for awhile.
They only charged a portion of his disability payments.
He became homeless for a time.
An old man had mercy for him and allowed him to stay in an unused trailer that he owned.
I cut ties with him because his care became too much.
I desperately tried to get him to go to rehab and he always refused.
When he was nearing death the old man brought him to a wonderful hospice facility.
My brother contacted me and wanted to see the family to say his goodbyes.
I contacted his grown children to tell them where he was. My niece and nephew came, along with his grandchildren.
I brought my mom to see him. I made peace with him and forgave him.
He died in 2013 at age 67. I had his body cremated and he is buried in the plot with my father.
I feel your pain. Don’t take on more than you can handle. Walk away when needed.
Look into what services are available.
A social worker is a good place to start.
You have your hands full. Best wishes to you and your brother.