How did you feel when you realized the end is nearing with your Mom's Alzheimer's journey?

It is difficult.
I thought I was prepared.
I cared for my Husband of 32 years, the last 12 with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's.
I thought I was ready, prepared. The morning he died I felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it! I do not know how I could have produced that many tears. (4 years later writing this I am still weepy)
Logic tells me the tears are "selfish" that it is for me that I cry.
I miss him. But he was not the man that I met and fell in love with. The one with the fast smile, sparkling blue eyes and a kind heart.
He was a shell, confined to bed, the blue eyes vacant, the smile all but gone.
He would not have wanted to remain as he was.
He is free now.
I remember him
I keep him alive in my heart, in the stories I tell people, when I cook a meal he particularly loved, when I look at my grandkids, he is there.
Ok, I am more than a bit weepy....
Your mom will always be with you. Walking down the street, glance in a store window and you will see her reflection not yours. Sometimes your smile in the mirror will be hers. Once in a while you will smell her perfume.
Thank her. You are the best parts of her.

Dear AbbyRose,
I was so sorry to read that your mom is nearing the end of her journey in this life.

I think everyone goes through different things when they know someone they love so dearly is passing away.

my mother passed away Dec. 20th, 2020 after contracting COVID In November this year. She did have Alzheimer’s and the COVID increased her dementia symptoms from late moderate stage to late stage. She refused to eat, drink or take any medication. She was hospitalized due to this refusal with the hope that the hospital would be able to help her and return her to how she was prior to COVID. Sadly that did not happen. After over a month of being in the hospital the drs told me that she needs end of life care. That sometimes people use getting a virus as a way to finally “sleep” and move on to the next phase. She was on the list for a Palliative Care Center but was refused due to having had COVID (which I understood, imagine your loved one is in palliative care and due to the stress free environment they actually improve but then contract COVID). She was returned to her residence for end of life care. The residence was so great. I was able to visit her since she was passing away and the team members there all thanked me for allowing her to pass with them. Since they knew her for over a year and wanted to be able to continue to care for her. After having been there for about 3 or 4 days I was called early in the morning to come to the residence because her breathing was indicative of a person who is actively dying. She was given morphine every few hours to keep her comfortable. She passed quickly. By early afternoon she had taken her last breath with my brother by her side.

while she was in the hospital I was just a ball of nerves, stress and fear. Once she was returned to her residence the fear remained but lessened a bit since I knew she was more comfortable and felt safe at her home. When they called me to see her I was so scared I was shaking. When I got there I saw how comfortable she appeared which helped to calm me down a bit. I didn’t have time to truly realize that she was passing before she passed. But luckily I went immediately into shock and was able to call her family overseas to let them know. I am still in shock and know once the shock wears off I will probably feel so much loss but for now I am more in organizing mode. Sadly my brother is not really doing much due to his grief so it all falls on me. I do feel overwhelmed trying to think of which government body needs to be advised, banks etc. I was blessed that my mother preplanned most of her funeral.

sorry I have noticed (especially as I am writing this) that my mind is all over the place and not truly focused. Back to your question right now I do feel somewhat relieved. Relieved that I can go to the washroom or have a shower without brining my phone in with me in case the hospital calls. And I can go out to pick up what I need without trying to time it with a hospital call. But I have had to change my ringtones as I now associate the old ones with stress and sadness and fear.

i think I am still at the beginning of the grief as my thoughts and feelings feel more lost/numb/disorganized.

sorry to not be able to give you a super clear response. Again I think it is a sign of the grief I am feeling at her passing. Gosh I think the above is so discombobulated I hope it makes some sense and answered your question a bit.

i am saying prayers for you and you lovely, loving beautiful mother.

please message me here if you need to vent, grieve or anything. You are not alone.

God bless.

Abby, this is never easy.

When my mom started the transition she had been on hospice care for about eight months. It was a relief, and it is ok to think and feel that way. Many do.

My mom had become so sick, and her agitation was not ever able to be relieved or controlled. Her only relief was strong meds to help her cope.

It truly was a load off to have her reach that stage. Finally, mom would be released from the dreadful disease that was killing her one brain cell at a time. Gone bit by bit. Mom never would have wanted to live as she had been in those last few years.

My Mother died in a hospice facility of Alzheimer’s 4 years ago. She was only there a week. She was very agitated so they gave her sedatives and she slept for most of the time she had left. I was okay with the decisions to sedate her and let her live her short time peacefully. She had often told me that she didn’t want to continue to live if she ever got Alzheimer’s (her mother died of the same disease) - to let her go. I feel as if I obeyed her wishes. Her last day of life I played her favorite songs on her pillow with my iPhone. She was unresponsive, but I believe she could hear them.
Let her go - sometimes it’s kinder.

I'm in the same spot as you are. Today I'm bringing my mother back to her nursing home on hospice care after being in the hospital since December 17. It's time for her to rest.

The hard thing for me is how "messy" this end is. My dad died at home six weeks after his cancer diagnosis, and while it was a short time to say goodbye, we were all with him, and nothing went unsaid. It was a beautiful end, all in all.

My mother, like yours, has dementia. I don't know if she knows who I am. She's taking the long, circuitous route out. Add in Covid and no visitors allowed to the mix, and I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm just wiped out.

Today I'll be sitting in the parking lot of her nursing home hoping to intercept the ambulance that brings her home so I can get a glimpse of her as they move her back in. Every glimpse may be the last one, but I take what I can get. I don't want her to be afraid, and I think she's been terrified for the last two weeks.

I have no idea how I'll react when this is all over. The care of my mother, like caring for my kids as they were growing up, has been my occupation. I remember when my last child left for college I felt like I was suddenly unemployed, and I have a feeling I'll feel like that again soon.

Hang in there. I have no advice for you except to say you aren't alone.

Abby,

So touched by your remarks, which are so timely for me. So touched by the answers by others. Let me offer virtual (((((hugs)))) to all of you who have lost or are currently watching loved ones ebb away.

Abby, I won't offer platitudes, because they aren't much comfort. The fact that you are "ready to let your mom go" says a lot. You've accepted her passing is imminent; that God is in charge of life and death. I have prayed the same prayers.

On her GP's recommendation, sis and I just placed Mom in hospice, and though she has yet to be classified as "in transition", in my heart I know she could leave us tonight, or stay with us for months.

My relationship with Mom hasn't always been easy. We never had the mother-daughter relationship I wanted. But conscious as I am of my own shortcomings, I forgive her. For years now, I've been her advocate and protector. I'll continue to do everything possible to ensure her last days, weeks, months are as free from worries and pain as possible. By what you've written, I know you will, too. We love actively, not passively, to the very end. God be with you during this difficult time.

You said it correctly when you said "This final walk with mom is harder than I thought". The final walk is very hard. While we know it's coming, and in some way are relieved that their suffering will be over, the realization, that that the end is coming and there's nothing we can do to stop it, can be very overwhelming.
My husband who had been in poor health for many years, with many issues, and had cheated death many times as well, while during his 6 week dying process, I too told myself that I was ready to let him go. However now that he's been gone for 3 1/2 months, I'm realizing that that is much easier said than done.
I'm glad you have a great support system, as that is so important. Just spend as much time as possible with her, and let your tears flow, as there is healing in our tears. God bless you in the days and weeks ahead.

We cry because we care.

Being with your mom in these final moments is important to you. Talk with the administration of her facility to make sure that you will always have access, no matter what the COVID circumstances. If they say "yes", please wear a face mask, a cover gown, wash your hands frequently, and bathe when your return from each visit. There is no guarantee that moving your mother will keep her - and you - from COVID exposure.

Try to spend each time with your mom remembering the good days you had together. Tell her stories of fun times you had together. Tell her about what you admire about her. Remind her that you love her and that you will be ok when she leaves. Assure her that it is alright to leave when she is ready.

As an RN, I have cared for many people who have passed. Almost every one had a "task" that needed completing before passing: visit from all loved ones, reassurances that pets, dependent family members, and belongings were cared for; last rites... Whatever is important to your mother become those "last tasks;" help her complete them.

I would be very hesitant to move her at this point. You don't want to cause her additional distress or pain.

A hospice facility won't necessarily be any safer for you to visit.

I'm going through the same thing right now with my mom, and bringing hospice in over the weekend has lifted a great load off me. I've been through this with my dad already, and I am so glad to have the hospice folks by my side once again.

Take advantage of the support hospice offers the family, and be open with her nursing home about your desire to be with your mom. I know my mom's place will let you be with your loved one once they're in active dying mode, and I can certainly be outside her window anytime I want.

I feel nothing but relief at this point, because I know we've shifted away from fighting to make it through each day, and now we're truly focused on making Mom comfortable. She may be gone in a week, or in six months, but I'm comfortable knowing we won't be going to hospitals anymore, or poking or prodding her. I was able to hold her hand on Saturday as they unloaded her from the ambulance when they brought her back from the hospital. It was only the second time since last March that I was allowed to be in the same room with her, but it was enough.

I hope to hold her hand again before she dies, but she knows I love her and I know she loves me. That's ingrained over a lifetime, not just in a few minutes at the end, so try to remember your mother loves you as you love her. She knows.

HI! I kinda went thru the same journey. I was told that with alzhemer's it is called "the longest goodbye". I felt that I was in control most of the time, but in the end reality set in. It's overwhelming even though you know and feel relief. She was at peace. It was the first time that I felt that much sadness. And then I was forced to watch and feel my father's grief and sadness. They were married for 65 years, and were in the same kindergarten class. Truly life Iong partners. I feel blessed to have witnessed true love. Now my dad just waits for the time he can be with her. I only wish that I could have lived a life of love like theirs. So special!