I need help with helping my grandma deal with grief. Or do I?

My preference- stay in the moment that she’s in.

If she’s “agitated”, say “He had to go to the (store, shoemaker’s, bank, Church, etc.) today so he couldn’t come with me”. If she asks again in 5 minutes, answer in a similar way.

Phone call? “....having the phone fixed....”

Not a lot of detail, just enough to give her a chance to hopefully move on to a different subject. If she doesn’t remember that he’s dead, it’s fruitless to try to impress upon her that he is.

SO - what you’re doing now is allowing her to live without the discomfort of his loss. I think you should do as the AL staff is recommending. There really is nothing to be gained for her by doing otherwise.

She’s so fortunate that you’re there for her.

You never remind a Dementia person that someone has died!!!
That would mean they would have to re live the death over and over again.

Just bring a regular picture of the two of them to put in her room.

Go along with whatever she says and make excuses of why he isn't there or just tell her he's coming because she won't remember she asked anyway so redirect her conversation to anything else.

Yours is a question that's come up before in the forum and it's a question you can struggle with. I'm sorry for your grandfather's passing. It sounds like he suspected she had dementia but didn't want to upset her with an earlier diagnosis. That showed his concern for her.

I would love to see your “in loving memory” creation. I can imagine it's beautiful. Is there any way you can remove the dates? If your mom would see those dates that could create some confusion for her. I think you could hang the picture minus the dates. You could tell her that he wants ( using present tense, not past) her to have it in her room.

As far as telling her that he died, there's no point in that. She won't remember you told her and will ask again and again where he is. She could become very confused and deny his death. Besides being creative with your memory picture, you now must become creative in your responses to your mom's questions. You might ask her when the last time she saw him was and reply with something like “that was a while ago”. Ask her to tell you about that time. Don't get into a prolonged conversation. Distract her by suggesting going for a walk or doing something else.

There is no point to "remind" her that her husband has died.
Pictures are great. I would forego the "in memory" bit
If she asks about him you can say
"he can't visit now"
"he is away"
If you tell her that he has died she will relive the death as if it is the first time she is hearing about it. Sort of like Groundhog Day every time (excepts she can not improve events surrounding)

When my dear grandmother was dealing with dementia, like most others, she couldn’t retain info, repeatedly going over something only frustrated and upset her. I would deflect with “he is working” “he’ll be here soon” types of comments. Sadly, the day may be soon that she won’t remember him at all

This was the hardest thing I dealt with as my late mother's dementia progressed. It seemed wrong to be untruthful to my own mother, but over time I learned about the benefit of "therapeutic fibs". Make a mental list of reasons why grandpa is not there. My go-to reasons included working late, golfing and fishing with my uncle. Mom accepted these answers because they were things that had happened in the past. I worried that she would suddenly remember that dad had died and be angry at me for lying to her, but that never happened. Basically, if she was confused enough in the moment to forget that dad had died, she was not going to remember what I had told her either.

why not bring in a photo album of stuff from years past with everyone in it (if possible).  I honestly wouldn't "remind" her that he passed because it will upset her each and every time you tell her.  Just let her know that he is doing fine but due to restrictions with travel, etc., and him being busy taking care of house things that he just can't come in yet.  Do not bring up why he doesn't phone, unless she asks, if she does, tell her that he is busy and that you are sure he will call when he has time.  Don't feel guilty for telling little white lies as her brain has changed and she won't understand anyway.  I don't think my dad every knew he was in a nursing home, he thought he was still in hospital from when he fell.  why torment them.  pretty soon she will stop asking and when/if you visit just talk about "other stuff".......not about him.  wishing you luck.

If your Grandma is at the point where she is forgetting things completely, then remembers as though it is the first time, I would try different tactics. Like reading to her, giving her something else to focus on, better than TV. However, if she is still quite clear in her mind you might try something else. With my mother, I tried a number of things but they did not stick. Maybe something visual would help. So I took a large piece of drawing paper and made 3 divisions on it. In the bottom section I colored it black, except a drawing of a baby in the womb. I called that "SAFE AND SECURE". Then in the 2nd section I split the section in half vertically and colored half yellow signifying DAY and the other half dark blue signifying NIGHT . In the day I drew a bunch of circles, representing family members, and I named them. Mom was the little larger circle touching the top line of that yellow section. That one I named MOM. I drew a clock showing time, a sun. On the night side I also drew some circle family members, a moon some stars. Some had a smile on their face, others didn't look really happy. I titled that section "TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS". The top section I colored a pretty light blue. Again circle faces of family members that had passed, names on each one and smiling. I place the largest circle in the middle, next to the top line of the 2nd section, I titled that section "EVERLASTING BLISS".
I showed this picture to mom and she spent quite a bit of time looking from bottom to top, and back. Finally, she looked up at me and said "can I hold hands with him?" I drew stick arms on DAD, reaching down to mom. Then I drew stick arms on MOM, reaching up to dad, and joined their hands. She studied it, then her eyes twinkled and a huge smile came across her face. She finally got it, She wanted the drawing on the wall so she could see it any time she wanted. Her whole personality got happier, and she never asked about Dad again.
It worked for me, it might be worth a try for you.
Best wishes.

My Mantra- this is NOT “LYING”. This is LOVING KINDNESS.

Juliasmygma, as others have said, there's no reason to remind your grandmother of your grandfather's death. When I first became my dad's primary caregiver, he often asked about people who had died (e.g. my mom, his mom, his dad) and I would say they had died and would show pictures of headstones, which both confused him and made him sad. Later on when he would ask those questions, I tried just changing the subject, which worked occasionally, but often not. Finally, I started just going along with his "reality" and making up reasons that he couldn't see them right now, which worked best. For example, when he wanted me to drive him home because his mom was waiting for him, I would reply, "I only have a bicycle and it's too late tonight, but we can do that in the morning after a good night's sleep and a good hot breakfast, which usually satisfied him. But when it didn't, then we would walk the memory care halls together looking for an exit so we could go "home." In short, for many people with dementia, white lies are more golden than silence (to put a new twist on the Tremeloe's 1967 hit).

Kudos to you for taking on the responsibility of overseeing your grandmother's well-being. Best wishes on this journey.