My mother says manipulative, hurtful and sarcastic things. How do I deal with this without lashing out? She has dementia and wet mac.

You need outside help. Other than your mother being hurtful and sarcastic, can she get up and walk or wander away from the house? If the answer to that is 'yes' then she needs to be in a nursing home for her own safety.
You're dealing with it the best you can. Everyone will tell you to have more empathy and compassion for her. That is all true. Everyone has a breaking point though. Even the most patient and saintly of caregivers lash out a little bit. We're all human and nobody is perfect. Sometimes yelling 'Shut the Hell up!' at the person you're caring for is a lot easier for them to recover from then a slap across the face or a hard shove to the floor. Situations like yours are high-risk for elder abuse. You will know when you've reached your limit and that's when it's time to put her in a long-term care facility. Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty if you have to make the decision to put her in one. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

So, she's going blind and her brain is broken. I'd lash out, too. My mother is in the exact same boat as yours, and she did the same.

Once you really take in those two points -- her brain is broken, and she's going blind -- you may be able to come from a place of empathy because you don't have those two devastating issues. She's scared and confused, so try approaching her with that in mind rather than blaming her childhood(??) upbringing.

Or, you can think about placing her in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where others are paid to manage her behaviors. Dementia normally reaches the point where in-home care becomes impossible, due to behavioral issues, incontinence, wandering out of the house at night, dangerous issues such as trying to cook or mixing chemicals together to clean.........the list is endless. Not to mention, if you're going to have a tumultuous relationship and wind up lashing out at one another, you are BOTH better off with her living in another location. There are TWO lives to consider here, at a minimum, not taking your husband/children into consideration, if applicable. Everyone is entitled to live a calm and happy life in your home. If that's not possible, make other arrangements for your mother.

My mother will be 94 this month, has moderate dementia & horrible behavioral issues that go back decades, which have only worsened terribly with dementia. There is no way I would or could care for her in my home, it would destroy MY life and my husband's life, and that's unacceptable. So she lives 4 miles away in a Memory Care AL where she gets superb care by teams of 24/7 caregivers. If she lived here, we'd be at each other's throats all the time. I have no idea how you stop yourself from lashing out if you're stressed out and resentful at having to care for your mother in your home. I'd find it impossible myself.

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with doing what's best for all concerned. And taking YOUR health and welfare into consideration here, not just your mother's!!

First of all if you have lashed out, please forgive yourself. I bet every daughter has done so in times of stress.

You can walk away to catch your breath if you feel like you will lose it.

You can take some time away if you need a longer break.

You can remind yourself that she has serious cognitive decline that attributes significantly to her behavior.

You can lower your expectations of her and you will be less disappointed.

You can remember the happy times or special memories if there was joy earlier in your lives.

You can speak to a professional therapist. It helps to speak to someone objective.

You can continue to reach out to this forum and read what other caregivers do or have done.

Best wishes to you and your mom.