Ready to walk away and say f*** it all...I'm done. How do you keep doing it???

My friend's FIL has been taking his meds, not taking his meds, doubling up, skipping, eating, not eating, started drinking whiskey again.. oh boy. Lurching from dehydration, falls, overmedicated. Family no longer turn up for all the 'emergencies' & don't know when it's a real one or maybe just out of milk. Call EMS instead. No no no to assisted living. Doctor told family that FIL's wishes are die in his own home & he is doing a good job towards that & will succeed soon enough. Yikes.

I suppose some with fiesty personalities are going to go down fighting - not sit peacefully on the porch & fade away watching the sunset.

Would she consider using a Pivotell? They're not cheap, so don't waste your money if she won't agree (and/or isn't able to fill it, and/or won't let anyone else do it for her e.g. a member of staff at the facility).

Same situation here but be thankful she doesn’t live with you. At least you can walk away from it. Mom was the same way with us she has dementia although we never got the official diagnosis and we used to find pills all over the place and then she would swear up and down she took them. She would flat out lie to our faces and finally we just stopped arguing with her because it got us no where. Good luck

I have similar difficulties with my Mom. She allows very little help yet she needs it to do everything. I'm coming to feel that this is just what happens to older people. They aren't going to live forever and you can't will them to stay alive at any cost.

I'd definitely talk to her doctor and find out if all of her meds are necessary. Cut out any that aren't and see if those that are can be crushed. Maybe feed them to her in apple sauce or pudding. It's a good way to hide them.

Good luck to you, I hope it works!

Had to do this for MIL when she moved in with us. Made sure pills were in container, am noon, pm, had husband double check, 2 sets of eyes are better than 1. At first MIL was adamant that she could take her meds, ummm nope, tried skipping doses, took them from wrong days, almost doubled up, put a stop to self medicating by putting container on top shelf of kitchen cabinet, caught her pushing counter height chair by the counter, asked her what she was doing, getting my medicine, I'm going to stand on the counter to get them, needless to say I told her she already took her meds, and there was no way she was standing on my new countertops. After that meds went into the safe. Many of us have had to deal with your situation. Can you tell her that you gave her doctor your word that you would double check and that you have to keep track if she needs to get a refill? Some pharmacies also offer a service that will package pills together and label day of week, morning, noon,pm. Sometimes they charge a small fee to do this. Something else to think about, is she actually taking all of her meds at the right time? That too was another issue, I had to watch her take her meds otherwise I may find one on her side table or night stand,oh, I forgot, I was going to take it after I read the paper, show was over etc. Began a ritual right after breakfast, right after lunch, when I helped her to bed, after awhile it became a habit. Time for AL or maybe even MC for mom where her meds are regulated and given to her at the correct time. She may be independent with many things but this is an area she needs help. She may be pushing your buttons so you don't catch on to how much she has actually declined. Easier to get you angry so you leave than for you to stay and figure out the truth. Good luck, it's not easy, especially if she doesn't want to admit to needing your help.

She’s probably ready for the next level of care. Assisted living could help but perhaps memory care even better. At least you are not her live in 24/7 caregiver...Maybe some meds need to go...Talk to her dr about it. Hugs 🤗

At age 90, it's time to re-evaulate what meds our LO's are on and if they are absolutely necessary.

Daddy was taking his cholesterol meds to about a week before he passed. Mother was putting them in his food--and frantic b/c he was barely able to swallow and they taste vile.

After a long look at all the meds he was on, it was decided to eliminate ALL of them except for his palliative meds. His stress level dropped precipitously.

Mother is 90 and on a TON of stuff. She complains constantly about 'still being here' but then is so on top of all the meds, including insulin. She often points to her insulin and says "If I wanted to, I could quit taking this and I'd die in 2 weeks". Now, my line is supposed to be "OH, please, mom, no!! You can never die! Please take your insulin!"

Being the brat that I am, I say "whatever you want mom. Take your meds or don't."

I HAVE walked away from any 'care' for mother. She asked me to stop going in her apartment and 'touching her things' (that's called 'cleaning') so I agreed to stay out of her apartment. I shouldn't go in there anyway, she has feral birds that have pooped on every surface--it's a health hazard.

You don't have sibs? Then you're kind of stuck--but you could talk to her Drs. and let them know she's an elder in danger. Or call APS and let them deal.

If she's in an assisted living, they likely have 'step up' programs that allow for more intense care. YOU don't have to be the one doing it, Esp as it makes her mad and you frustrated.

Is Moms facility where its IL, then an AL then LTC? If so, it may be time for an AL. I hope you have POA. Then you will need a doctor saying she needs 24/7 care and no longer is competent to make her own decisions. The facility maybe able to evaluate her for the next level. That way the AL distributes her meds.

I would also go over her meds with her doctor. If she takes a cholesterol medication, does she really need it. (Its been proven that Statins contribute to dementia) There maybe some things that can be cut out. With my Mom she had graves desease. In the hospital she was given a med to slow down her heart. After seeing a thyroid doctor, all her tests were normal after taking the meds prescribed. She no longer had a racing heart. I questioned why she was still on the med, she was weaned off. If I hadn't said anything, she'd probably remained on them. She was taken off her cholesterol med. She had already had high enzymes. Thyroid dr. said she should never had been put back on them.

That you have checked them in no way insures that someone in this condition is TAKING them correctly. She should now have her meds delivered and may now require not independent living, but assisted. Sorry for all the trouble. You can only do what she allows you to do if she is judged competent enough to be in independent living.

If trying to check her med's are causing you such strife, then just stop trying. Just let her Dr's know what is going on, and let the chips fall where they may. Your mom will have to suffer the consequences of her choices when it comes to her medications, and perhaps because of that, may welcome your help in the future. Your visits at this stage of her life should be enjoyable, and not so stress inducing, so maybe once you give up trying to control her med's, you both can get back to enjoying each others company, before it's too late. Good luck.

I should spell out to the MDs that you will not be taking responsibility for your mother's medication. If they have concerns about her ability to manage it, let them read her the riot act and let them agree a solution with her.

Do set boundaries, only this time make the boundary the dividing line between what you will and what you will not accept responsibility for. That way you don't have to "talk about it" and she won't be mean and you won't get mad.

When (probably) something happens as a consequence, and if this also results in your being given or acquiring the *authority* to intervene, you can always revisit your boundaries. But: no authority = no responsibility is the golden rule.

You’re certainly free to walk away. You could also work around mom and her stubbornness. Maybe check her meds while she’s in the bathroom or napping. And no discussion about it at all